HOWEVER, I do want to stay on top of things to maximize my chances to seeing this through.
I AM making changes for ME. However, Puppy and Allen have both said vigilance is NECESSARY, and both have had to re-expose before.
I am just keeping a watchful eye out should I need to do that again.
But you are also right in that it is quite painful. Seeing some of the things she says really hurt.
But in the end it help me to face REALITY. It lets me know what I am up against.
you can't fight a battle without good intel, and the more you have the better.
Like right now I wouldn't have known she is trying to sell the house in order to put a down payment on a condo and leave me to fend for myself in a crappy apt.
That is the ultimate thing that pushed me over the edge in deciding to set boundaries and NOT let her call the shots about where I live and my life in general.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
QS: I agree with SR in that if you obsess over this stuff, it will really hurt your ability to GAL. Only you can know if this is an emotional obsession or a necessity to keep the upper hand. Perhaps Allen or Puppy can help with that. Give it some thought though!
I've been there, done that... and I know that personally, I was much more capable of GAL and keeping the PMA when I was no longer trying to figure out what H was or wasn't up to. And I'm referring here to the past, with 1st H (who DID take active steps through divorcing me, btw, then wanted me back) to current H, with past cyber-affair and current sitch. Just my opinion but I do have some experience here.
We have a dog who is VERY old, who my wife has had for 16 years. On our first date, she (the dog) greeted me like crazy and was sooo happy to meet me. That was one of the things that my wife said totally drew her to me. The way the dog came to me. My wife said she just followed the dog along.
Now my wife is going to have the dog put to sleep sometime soon. Against my wishes. I take care of the dog day in and day out, and she is very happy and filled with life.
And this morning after the gym, I let her outside to pee, and went to the shed for something. Then I saw the way a big sunbeam streamed down on her in the yard, and made her look like an angel.
I ran inside to get my camera, and I took some pictures. They are the most poignant and emotional pictures I have ever seen. You could see that she is old and tired, but still filled with love. The sunlight in the background looked like a path toward Heaven, where God is calling her back to.
It just felt like my marriage is going to die with her. I always knew that she was one of the catalysts to my wife on our first night together. And the end of her life parallels the death of my marriage.
I have never cried so hard in my entire life. This whole situation is just horribly sad, and an entire family is being ripped apart.
I cannot look at those pictures without tearing up. But they are so beautiful it is hard not to. I often just wonder why this could be happening in my life.
I am going to lose my wife, my home, two of my dogs, one of my cats, and my in laws. How can so much pain be thrown on one person, and they be expected to "be all right".
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/16/1011:24 AM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Part of your wife's wanting to end the marriage may have to do with her accepting the dog passing too... Its very common to start an affair after the loss of a loved one...
If your wife brings up you trying to hold onto the marriage and her hit her with this :
"You are trying to hold onto me and the marriage, well it wont work!!!"
You think I want to be married to someone who acts like YOU? What I am DOING is trying my damndest to NOT be YOU. I am OK with divorce, I just don't want an UGLY divorce despite your efforts to have one. YOU are trying to hold onto an UGLY divorce and I wont' accept that. Let the anger GO will ya? It's not helping this process, its just making you look bad.
For the record, my position on "snooping," from my personal archives:
And that right there is the problem with deciding to gather intel ("snooping"). If you can handle it, if you can detach yourself to such an extent that you are more "hovering above" the marriage than emotionally in the MIDDLE of it . . . almost like a "game-playing" mode . . . then the information you can gather is invaluable.
However, if it's only going to serve to beat you down, and defeat you, then it's probably best not to do it.
In general, I'm only in favor of snooping when:
- you’re initially trying to confirm an affair;
- as a gathering of evidence for a "cause" legal action of adultery, or to help you make a decision about custody;
- to confirm no-contact, as part of a MUTUALLY-AGREED-UPON transparency plan;
- you are concerned about dissipation of marital assets, or a drug, gambling or alcohol addition, or some other behavior that might prove harmful to the family.
I detached from this thread -- I don't have any specific advice for QS that I haven't already given. People were throwing around the whole "when do you stop snooping?" thing, so I thought I'd post my position.
