Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

Thanks for the words of encouragement.
This morning I woke up and told myself I had to try as much as possible to distance myself from him.
First - I need to remove him from my cell phone plan. So for the first time, I drove to where he has been staying and called and asked to see him. He was not there - nor has he been staying there. He told me that he has made "friends" both males and females and he has been having their phone numbers blocked in order to protect their identities. I said - "to protect them from your psycho wife? - is that what you are doing? I engaged (shouldn't have I know) and said "is this the HONEST life you were searching for? is this you being DISCREET?" He said "I knew you would be able to track down their names and addresses and I wanted to protect them." I told him that he needed to establish a new cell phone plan for himself by the end of the day. (I truly did this to protect myself from seeing the calls on the bill). I also told him that he would need to find different accommodations in Fl if he was still planning to go down to S's tournament - I thought I was strong enough to keep it together for the week - but I'm not and he already had a back-up plan. I asked him why he put his wedding ring back on and he said that he wasn't ready for the kids to see that yet. I told him that S already saw it at the last game - that he is always watching for it.

I call my best friend (AGAIN) and sob (AGAIN) - I feel insane! In my mind, I still have him on this pedestal and romanticize the kind of life he is living away from me - that these people he is engaging with are the "tier 1s" that he feels he deserves. My friend, God love her, says - "he isn't telling you where he is staying - he doesn't want YOU or ANYBODY to know who these people are - when was the last time he contacted ANY of his family members (did a check - it was in June) - he is ill! Accept it!" I have ALWAYS felt like I was NEVER worthy of this man (yes, one of my contributing problems) - but I WORKED like a DOG to bring joy to his life. And from much of the evidence - I was successful. But something was missing for HIM.

So I'm sitting on the porch, talking on the phone, and H does a drive by. He thought I was at work and I think he was going to try and stop by to see S. I finally call my sister and my father who live in another state and ask them if they can come and stay with me for a few days. I NEED HELP! I am trying so hard to stay strong and calm for S - but I am broken - and I need a support system. I need people who know me for me - not for as the "hometown hero's" wife.

Did I say I was broken?