I rather thought there would be a "confrontation" this a.m. He wanted to "talk". Had his hands on his head and took a deep breath and asked me to write down all the things I wanted (material things) from the R. He said I could have the house and the property, he just wanted his sailplane and his Gmother's furniture. I said that's fine. He wanted it done today and I said, no, I'm going to take a bit of time doing this. So he said OK.
He is "so angry" about my going to the other side of the house and I validated that this must be hard. He didn't get ugly, and stayed pretty calm through the entire thing. He got up to leave saying he needed someone to talk to and I said as long as he stayed rational he could always talk to me. So he came back but it didn't last long--but I did get some more validation that he feels unloved and uncared for and feels "done".
I stayed calm, rational, validated, let him go. I feel this is rather inevitable. I don't think he truly is done at all--he was far too generous in all that he "gave" me. And if he is serious, well, I'll take it!! happily!!
And he was far too "angry". Last time he was "done", and...I think he was....he was sad--just crying and sad. Remember that Laura!!!
Sooo...Kat...I hope you'll respond...do you ever wish you were still on this roller coaster? How does it feel to be off??
With my 20/20 hindsight, I would say I am glad to be off. It is exhausting always trying to figure out what to do, try or say next to get the darn ship turned around. So much time is wrapped up in their wants and needs, that you quite literally lose yourself.
That being said, when he actually filed, I was devasted. I mean he had a long term affair before and stayed, how could he now choose to leave for another woman with 4 kids involved? I was depressed even with going to a C. I found this site and I felt so much better. In a couple of weeks, it will be 2 years since the divorce was final. My C was right, I had been doing so much of the heavy lifting in my marriage, it really wasn't that big of change.
So mentally, I am better off. The five of us still have our moments on occasion but I believe we all would be much happier with someone that actively wanted to be here. We are a work in progress.
I hope that helped you. Feel free to ask whatever and I will always try to answer to the best of my ability. So where do you want to go from here...really?
Hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Where do I want to go really? On a long vacation with my S. Just he and I. And find a horse--a thoroughbred--that can be trained for jumping and trails and some dressage....
Probably not what you wanted to know.lol. I appreciate your listening and helping me out so much! I want to know if there is life after this. I'm only a little older than you...
Anytime hon. There is a life after this. I have had a couple of miss starts so to speak, but not giving up. I know I can do this by myself, but I would like to share it with someone and I bet you feel the same. If I don't get over here fast enough, you can find me in surviving.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks so much Kat! I need to find your thread again--you had me in stitches that last time!
I look at some of the posters like yourself--so sweet, kind, helpful. It didn't turn you into a bitter person. You know, if this makes me more like that, it will work out just fine!
I have been doing a lot of daydreaming about what I want to do to fix up this house. I have visited some 3rd world countries and no, this is not THAT bad, but no floor in my kitchen for 6 years? Black mold in the grout in the bathroom for years? Even new paint just makes things smell good and look fresh--I have picked out some of those new green/blue colors and think I will repaint the office. And replace some light fixtures--they are pink (think 80's peachy/pink) and shiny brass.
I have brand new appliances out in my garage--a new dishwasher that I want DESPERATELY to use--the one in the house now gets about 1/2 of the dishes clean. And a fridge and oven!!
It's fun to daydream! I would love to have a sitting room off the kitchen instead of a dining room. Neither H or I ever saw the need for a formal dining room (we always ate in kitchen) and my neighbor changed hers into a sitting room where her kids do homework while she cooks. I think that would be cool!
Nothing wrong with wanting your house put together! Mine is like a living and breathing thing! It gets messy so fast with the four kids. Still trying to get them to see what doing one more step can do. lol. They try and that is the important thing. They will be gone so fast, the house will still be here.
Get your appliaces in where they belong. It will make you feel so much better. I don't know what will happen between you and your H but I hope you both can be open enough to say what your ultimate goal will be for your family. Hugs to you. If you stop by my thread you can see how I experienced betrayal via ice cream.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Well tonight we had a "talk". I knew it was coming. Asked people at church to pray for me and give me peace.
I don't remember the details, just that I said it was best that he leave. He said he would take care of it. Then he made some phone calls and I called my sister-in-law.
It feels like he's playing with me again. I don't believe him. I don't know if it's denial. I plan on continuing life as usual. We'll see what he does....
I am so sorry Laura. You know he has to change in someway as things couldn't go on as they were. You could go ahead and retain one and let your H know that everything legal has to go through L. It is business now and don't use the L as a sounding board. That is what C is for.
Huge hugs.((((((Laura))))))
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Thanks so much Kat--yes, this had to happen. I have been told by my stepmom, who worked in the legal field many years (my dad was an attorney) that I don't have to do anything yet.
I am livid he took my S to the apointment WITH him!! There was no reason to take my S who is almost 15. He could have stayed home for an hour. I was gone only an hour and had NO idea he would do this. WHY would he take my S to an INITIAL consultation like that!!!
Kat, I appreciate your hanging in here with me. I think I'm going to soon be heading down your way (to surviving). Do I even TRY to DB at this point? I don't really know what I am dealing with here...but improving myself has NOT worked at improving the R. I have always been so positive that if there weren't drugs or an affair, most will respond to positive changes. But mine has not...
