Think I am dead now.

[Greek]

That is correct. I really did think about killing myself. The gun that I bought is setting right here beside me. I didn't buy any bullets. I don't understand the codependancy attraction. I try to convince myself that you guys really don't know the whole story but you do. I didn't lie. I didn't leave anything out. We had good memories before. She is married. I told her the other day that I do not talk to or mess with married women. It is crazy that I feel this way what is stupider is my post that you probably didn't read. I thought she was coming back because she missed me and was in love with me, nope, her mother told me that the apartment complex told her she had to leave because she was knocking on doors asking people for pain meds. God, I am dumb. I am 41 for your info with a high IQ, a golf pro, lots of friends, just a low low self esteem right now. And I am just not thinking clearly. I really want her to come back. Why? I can't answer that myself. You think that calling me stupid and a fool bothers me, hell no, I know that I am. There is no logical reason for me or anyone to say that I should be with her. Her parents want me to be but they are shocked that I am still willing. My parents can't believe that I would take her back but will support any decision I make. I don't know if it is some kind of competition to me or why I feel the sense of loss that I do. It hurts. She is sorry as they come. It is plain stupid. I know it.

I didn't call you a fool to "bother you" - I am pointing out what I see from here. A 41 yr old man with high iq and a fine profession is a fool to tangle his life with a married pill popping XW. You yourself write there is no logic to what you want and that her own parents are "shocked" you would hang so long. It sounds to me like there is a chorus of people who CARE telling you to cut your losses and let her go.

Greek