Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

So much for doing well!! I am broken again!
H wanted to he and I to meet with S so that we could address some "attitude" problems S is exhibiting. H does all the talking - minimizing the impact of his abandonment. Tells S he's just going to need to get over things and not let them interfere with his life.

H looks at me like I DISGUST him. I'm taking the trash out, cleaning out the car, watering the plants, just drove S and teammates home from Nashville - and H pops in all dressed for a night out. To boot, I get the cell phone bill and there are several restricted calls lasting 66 minutes to 77 minutes late at night. So I'm thinking he has now latched on to someone. I am broken, my kids are broken and I want to strangle H!!!

I know: PRACTICE WHAT I PREACH!!! WALK THE WALK!!!! But the hurst NEVER goes away!

[irishblessings]

OK - it's now an hour plus later and I've stopped crying. I know the feelings that I am having are to be expected. I'm tired and hurt.

I almost backslid - I texted my H and asked if he was busy. I was going to confront him about the phone calls. He replied "not busy what's up". I waited and texted back "never mind - sorry to bother you." H texts "what's up" I text "nothing all good" He texts "I don't believe you - what do you want to talk about" - and I text "just a long day - thanks though - sorry for bothering you." He texts "what's going on" and I text "all good. I promise - have a good night" I am glad that I stopped myself - which I would have done it prior to even sending the first text - but I'll forgive myself!

Wow - I can't believe this is my life right now. Posters have been talking about how the MLCr "rewrites" history - and it really is incredible! With a flip of a switch, my life has gone from a "normal" middle class family - to this broken one. And I feel like H is in complete denial. The kids and I feel like roadkill! With him driving the steamroller!

OK - pity party over! I'm going to bed!

[Grace_O]

Irish,

Tells S he's just going to need to get over things and not let them interfere with his life.

"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon..."

At some point your S may (or not) address his feelings with his Dad. That's really up to him.I would (as the occassion arises) talk with him about what he thinks/feels about all of it. He may or may not share. I have one D that wouldn't say "shite" if she had a mouth full, so I have used what I refer to as "backdoor" methods to talk with her about alot of this stuff.

Sorry you're having a tough night. I hope you get some rest.

HUGS

[Truegritter]

I know the feelings that I am having are to be expected. I'm tired and hurt.

Yes.

They are.

BUT

How you react to them is the key.

And you just went through a trial of that.

It may not feel like it but you did well.

You will be tested on a daily basis because you have to interact with H becuase of your children.

I don't have children. So I would go weeks without any trial with my W and then BAM!

It is all part of the process of becoming the new YOU.

There will be a day when you will do this without thinking, without having to hold yourself in control, because it will be you.

It takes time.

You are doing good. Keep going.

[PEI]

But the hurst NEVER goes away!

I'm gonna assume you meant HURT ...

Irish, the hurt will eventually fade and even go away, but that time is not now. Right now you need to feel it, use it to examine your role in any of this mess, and then use it to propel you forward. Become the best version of Irish possible. Use the hurt to remember any mistakes you've made in your past, use it to drive any changes you want to make, use it to avoid backsliding ...

You, my friend, are doing very well. Chin up. It gets easier. It really does. And DBing will become for you a way of life, a way of relating to people ... it will become effortless and integrated into your life. You are strong Irish, but that doesn't mean that you won't hurt and you won't feel. As Grit says, it's all in how you react to it. And you are doing fine!

Peace
PEI

[punkin]

Irish,

There was a time when just hearing my H's voice on the phone sent me running for Xanax and hiding in bed all day. Now, I just open a Wine Cooler and see what's on TV. That day will come for you.

The sad part, for me at least, is that as that day comes, you come to care less and less about the man. Not that you stop loving them, they just don't "rock your world" anymore. I'd rather watch a rerun of 2 1/2 men.

[irishblessings]

Thanks for the words of encouragement.
This morning I woke up and told myself I had to try as much as possible to distance myself from him.
First - I need to remove him from my cell phone plan. So for the first time, I drove to where he has been staying and called and asked to see him. He was not there - nor has he been staying there. He told me that he has made "friends" both males and females and he has been having their phone numbers blocked in order to protect their identities. I said - "to protect them from your psycho wife? - is that what you are doing? I engaged (shouldn't have I know) and said "is this the HONEST life you were searching for? is this you being DISCREET?" He said "I knew you would be able to track down their names and addresses and I wanted to protect them." I told him that he needed to establish a new cell phone plan for himself by the end of the day. (I truly did this to protect myself from seeing the calls on the bill). I also told him that he would need to find different accommodations in Fl if he was still planning to go down to S's tournament - I thought I was strong enough to keep it together for the week - but I'm not and he already had a back-up plan. I asked him why he put his wedding ring back on and he said that he wasn't ready for the kids to see that yet. I told him that S already saw it at the last game - that he is always watching for it.

I call my best friend (AGAIN) and sob (AGAIN) - I feel insane! In my mind, I still have him on this pedestal and romanticize the kind of life he is living away from me - that these people he is engaging with are the "tier 1s" that he feels he deserves. My friend, God love her, says - "he isn't telling you where he is staying - he doesn't want YOU or ANYBODY to know who these people are - when was the last time he contacted ANY of his family members (did a check - it was in June) - he is ill! Accept it!" I have ALWAYS felt like I was NEVER worthy of this man (yes, one of my contributing problems) - but I WORKED like a DOG to bring joy to his life. And from much of the evidence - I was successful. But something was missing for HIM.

So I'm sitting on the porch, talking on the phone, and H does a drive by. He thought I was at work and I think he was going to try and stop by to see S. I finally call my sister and my father who live in another state and ask them if they can come and stay with me for a few days. I NEED HELP! I am trying so hard to stay strong and calm for S - but I am broken - and I need a support system. I need people who know me for me - not for as the "hometown hero's" wife.

Did I say I was broken?

[TimeHeals]

There was a time when just hearing my H's voice on the phone sent me running for Xanax and hiding in bed all day.

When I was 22 years old, I had Guillan-Barre Syndrome, and I became paralyzed--30% breathing capacity, couldn't walk, was difficult to even comb my own hair--my girl friend of the previous 3 years dumped me when this started, and I spent two months in a rehabilitation center in a hospital 2 hours from my home, so I was pretty much isolated most of the time while I was learning to walk and stuff all over again.

Shortly after going into remission--about 3 weeks into this--I told my neurologist that I was depressed and would probably kill myself if I were capable, but I couldn't even do that.

So they sent me a psychiatrist. He talked a lot about his new Bang & Olufsen stereo system that he was very proud of on both of his visits. On the first visit he asked me if I was depressed. I said yes. He asked why. I said I was paralyzed.

He prescribed Xanax. I took that once. I sat there in my bed watching Quick Draw McGraw cartoons on the hospital room TV while thinking, "These Hanna-Barbera
guys are geniuses".

Never took that stuff again.

I had people bring me self-hypnosis and relaxation tapes (yes cassette tape era) instead.

[irishblessings]

What a terrible experience for a 22 year old! But a hilarious drug story:) You made me smile!
What was Quick Draw's droopy partner's name?

[irishblessings]

Ok you all...Not having a good day AT ALL!

While S was asleep I moved the rest of H's clothes and personal effects to the driveway (nice sunny day) called and told him that he needed to come get them before S wakes up. He did.

Now gentlemen - before you go off on me regarding agitating the lion - I have to defend myself. I am trying to prevent my own CRISIS. If I see one more thing of his around here while knowing he is trying to "protect" his new "friends" - then I don't think I can heal. Other than the phone call to the "sex line" - I've not harassed, pursued, anything.

I have been trying to do this all on my own (with a C) - I've been trying to be strong - to not break down - to keep things "normalized" / however I am at my breaking point. This does not mean that I am not standing for my marriage - I am. But my H is mentally ill - delusional - irresponsible - and completely detached from reality. He is living out of his car - hopping from one "friend" to another. This is NOT a good thing for my S to be exposed to.

I've got to get this s**t away from me. I can't think straight! I've called my sister and my dad to come in for a few days to help me and maybe distract S and help me get a grip and get organized for the attorney. I can't believe those words are coming out of my mouth (or hands)!

How did this become my life??????????????? What is MY role in this madness???? I can't answer this - I was not the perfect wife - I was controlling - I was insecure - I was distracted - I did underestimate my H's feelings - I did let myself get frumpy - but I also did go to counseling / did admit / did try to make amends / was willing to do ANYTHING! I am broken!!!