Question

[awest1217]

It really is a down day. I read a forgiveness book, and true forgiveness does take time, but the first part is really understanding what you are mad about. Identifying it specifically so you can let that go.

I am feeling better now. I just can't believe doing to someone what he has done to us. I asked him to get boxes and get the rest of his stuff sometime next week so I can rearrange before school starts again. Of course, no response. I am really trying to be polite, but I also want to just be done with his games too. If he doesn't want to be married anymore, then file and move out completely so I don't have to keep "storing" his stuff. It isn't my fault he hasn't saved any money in the past 15 months. He should by now have upwards of $10000 saved by now, but he is wasting it on who knows what (that is taking out him paying child support and his one bill). That would be enough for a small good down payment on a small house where we live. Even ours now which is 3 beds, 2 baths is going for 90,000 so he could definitely get a decent house, if he saved anything.

I am more frustrated with how naive and immature he still is, but when it comes to us, I really feel mad at myself for choosing him.

I am not hating him or anything. Just trying to move on. I know the bouts of emotions will come and go as the process continues, but hopefully we can do this smoothly and be done quickly so we both can move on.

[ClingingToHope]

You have to get tough with him. Box up his stuff and drop it off at his parents house or send him a text saying it's going to the curb if he doesn't pick it up.

I'd drop the stuff off at the parents house. You may look like a b*tch for doing so, but don't you have to wake them up to? Aren't they enabling his behavior?

Why did you choose him, anyway? Just curious.

I've been asking myself that question. I met STBXW when I was 18 and she was 16 and she was gorgeous. She was the pretty one in the group who never talked. She always had this air of mystery to her and her silence intimidated me because I've always kind of needed affection.

After college, I ran into her again totally blitzed out of my mind and don't remember any of a 30-minute conversation that apparently so impressed her she spent the next six months trying to manufacture a way to "bump" into me.

When we finally did run into each other her best friend had to tell a friend of mine to ask her out because I never would have.

So when things progressed I never really doubted we were perfect for each other even though there were alarm bells. I was very into the idea of us.

[awest1217]

We met in high school. I am a year ahead of him, although only two months older, because of IN laws and the fact you had to be 5 by June 1 when we started school. H's birthday was June 11 so he started a year behind me. We were both in band and I didn't like him his freshman/my sophomore year. Then the next year something changed. We started to hang out a bit during football season. Then during "homeroom" we could move around to get help from teachers. I was in 2nd year chem and my teacher told me he wouldn't help me until all the 1st year students were helped. In order to get my way and get help, I started to help the 1st year students. I went to a group of my neighbors and band friends which included H. After about 5 months of being friends and going out with groups, one of my friends encouraged H to ask me out on a date and we have been together ever since.

I really want to just drop off H's stuff, but they have no room at their house at all and I feel bad for H's "good" brother. The one who I am friends with because it will overtake his stuff even more, and he doesn't deserve it. MIL is a horder and has tons of junk and keeps getting more, plus now younger BIL's stuff from college until he starts again in the fall, "good" BIL's stuff because he is 25 and still living at home, plus all of their toys from growing up and all of her old teaching stuff, plus all kinds of other junk like tons of beaney babies, scrap book stuff, and the fact that she keeps enough food for a 7 person family when only 4 people live there and for a while only 3, and finally now all of H's stuff. I feel bad for "good" brother because he always tells me how he can't stand it and how H's stuff smells (some of the stuff he packed is nonperishable stuff, but it is still stinking).

I do like the family, but i also want to get rid of his stuff. I guess it is their problem and not mine. I would just have to tell them I am taking it. i will give him next week and then if he doesn't get it, I will have to call MIL and tell her I am going to drive it over. Very tough to do.

[awest1217]

As always, whenever we have a R talk, H is completely silent. He won't respond to anything and doesn't ask about S. That is the part that i don't get. I have such a hard time letting S go with H when he doesn't even know him. He has no idea what goes on in S's life from day to day. He just wants to have his cake and eat it too I guess. He wants to see S and be his "playmate", but not really parent at all. Not help if S is sick or go to appointments, unless it is convenient for him.

He wants to stay married so he can have family time and show off his family so he doesn't have to deal with the backlash of everyone knowing he left his family.

He wants to stay married because then he has no financialy responsibility, but can get some of the perks of being married, but only have to pay for child support.

He is such a different man than what I married, or at least I thought I married. The man I married had selfish points, but really wanted to do what was best for us (maybe not as much as I thought because as he pointed out he only bought "extra" stuff for him and never anything for me, like DVDs, TVs, iPods, gaming systems, and video games). I always thought he was the most loyal person in the world and that was one trait I could stake anything on. Well...that was wrong... We talked in length when another family we knew was going through divorce and separation how hard it was on the children and how the girls were suffering in their Rs (the oldest girl was in junior high and high school and she was throwing herself at guys). How the dad needed to make up his mind because he would eat dinner with the family although they were separated and Ding (but that dad still completely gave all of his money to the family) so it hurt the girls because it was confusing if they were together or not. Now he wants that exact life. Funny how people change.

[ClingingToHope]

He just hasn't grown up. He will someday ... and the emotional consequences will be devastating when he figures out what he's done.

When I was 28 we'd been married for a year and the relationship was good. But I still had a lot of selfish thoughts and immature feelings, jeez, that continued probably until two years ago.

It took the very, very real threat of losing my family to make me look at the little selfish ways I treated STBXW and the conditional love I showed her.

Unfortunately, by the time I realized it it was too late. That I'll have to live with.

But I can't own all of it. She's struggled with depression from Day 1 and there are some traumatic events from her childhood that may keep her from ever being really healthy. I never cheated. I never abused her physically. I never blew our money on addictions. I pitched in around the house and am a devoted father. I was good and faithful in all of the major areas -- and the vast majority of wives would have found a way to make it work. I chose the wrong one.

You've already come a long, long way since I began to read your thread. Go back and read your earlier posts. I think it will help you. You'll realize that you are far down the path and some day you'll be able to make some very big steps.

[Lucky11too]

So my original thread is now locked - not sure what happened there - but my new thread is at:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...755#Post2038755

That's crazy about how you met. It sounds similar to H's my story! We met thru band too. I played the clarinet and H placed the trumpet. The only difference is that H was ahead of me in school by 2 years.

It's so hard to take in what our H's have become. I liked to believe that they did have the best at heart when they married us, but obviously theu just couldn't follow thru. I remember me and H having similar talks about other couples getting divorced and how we would never do that, especially with kids, blah blah blah. Yep, same story, same outcome.

I agreee with CTH - it really is a complete lack of maturity thing. It's unfortunately that it's most likely going to be too late before they ever figure it out. =/ Unfortunately too, we can't save them, so we just have to continue living our lives and try to make the most of the life we've been given - even as unfair as it is.

I hope you are having a better day!

[awest1217]

I am really doing a lot better. I have bouts of tears, but ultimately I am going to be ok. Yesterday i saw an old friend, actually my flower girl and her mother, at the store. She had heard a little, but I validated the rumor that H and I were separated. She was so upset for me. I said that I am doing fine now, which I really am. Compared to last year at this time, which is before DB, I was a wreck.

I spent most of yesterday working on sunday school stuff. I tried to go to my school, but they are cleaning the academic area so no going there to get organized until next week. Today i might do a little shopping (I need a new bathing suit and thought now they are on clearance so good time) to get S out of the house because it is supposed to storm.

Tomorrow is H's first "weekend" so we will see if he remembers or follows through, and hopefully soon I will find out if he is going to file or not.

[ClingingToHope]

Glad you are doing better. Summer is about half over isn't it? What are your plans for the weekend?

[awest1217]

Yesterday was strange. I went out with S to do a little shopping and got probably a little too much for myself, but it was all necessity stuff. Then on the way home i notice a bunch of smoke. A substation was on fire and so my house had no power for a while.

I spent the afternoon at my parents.

Then at night a friend was preaching at church. He is single and although I didn't really flirt because my younger sister is in love with this guy, it did remind me of how much I miss having a guy to hold my hand, kiss, hug, tell me I look nice, etc. Whenever we do D, I think I will be ready to at least date casually and meet some people.

No possibility on the guy, but it was fun to look a little.

[awest1217]

Oh yeah, and I forgot to put at 10 pm last night, H text me to confirm today. I am glad he remembered, but at the same time, I just want him to fall off the face of the earth. Anger takes a while to get out of your system, but I am getting over it. I asked questions about what they will be doing so I knew if I needed to pack anything.

It was just weird that he text me that late about today. He could have waited until today. I wonder if he drove past the house and saw my car not there, I was at my brother's with my sister visiting our friend. We were friendly, but factual, and he said he would get me $ for the car insurance. What is he thinking? I didn't want to get into it late at night, but he doesn't want to be my husband so find your own insurance. I have had this insurance policy since I graduated college. He can find his own. I don't care that it will cost him more. Consequences. So definitely a conversation to have today sometime.

He is so confusing!