And I'm making some decisions because I am ready to make some decisions. Period.
Only you know when you are ready. I respect that.
Quote:
I'm not sure where you get the confusion, I can tell you that I base my WAH thoughts on our last 6 mos of conversation re the last 6-15 years, and then honest and careful reflection. And you're right, H has not stopped seeing OW, but he took the last 6 years to really think about our M.
Are you sure about this? He didn't just walk away...he waivered. I don't mean to question you...I am sure you put a lot of thought behind this..however, your H has been involved in an A...they tend to rewrite history- making things seem a hell of a lot worse than they actually were to justify their actions. Are you sure he took the last 6 years...or was that just another justification for his actions. I am just putting this out there...I don't know the answers.
PEI- IMO...if a man walks away WITHOUT another woman in the wings...he probably gave the M an honest look...he put his ALL into it.
When they walk away as a result of another woman...I don't think they had time to reflect on everything....perhaps anything. They go into self preservation mode...
My wife must have been ______ My M must have lacked _______ I am not happy because my wife didn't give me ______
Why else would I have done this??? It couldn't have been something lacking in me...it must have been the M or my wife.
When you feel so terrible about the person you have become..the actions you have taken....it is so much easier to explain it away. It is too painful to take responsibility for it.
I am not saying that you didn't have issues in your M...and these issues weren't the responsibility of both of you...
I'm just putting this out there. IMO- it is a cop out.
PEI- Why do you need to make a decision right now? You are feeling down today. You are the only one that knows your H...but do not make a decision based on how you think your H feels or his actions.
Hon, any decisions I'm making are based solely on how I feel. Really.
And that's exactly what concerns some of us -- for you -- right now, PEI. You shouldn't make life-altering decisions based on FEELINGS, in my opinion.
There is a very wise poster that I've learned a lot from -- one who successfully DB'd his marriage, too. In fact, he and his wife BOTH post on here, so it's been great to get both of their perspectives on what he did to win her back.
Anyway, he posted something on this very subject one day, and I thought it so profound that I decided to archive it, in case someone else could ever benefit from it. This is the very first time I've ever re-posted it (the title is mine, btw, not his):
Quote:
Coach’s “Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings” philosophy:
Respond in a way that reflects your values and beliefs not your feelings. As a Coach and a former military officer I know lots of ways to change how you are feeling. Feelings are fleeting, can be manipulated, can be dysfunctional, situational and are a poor compass.
Prisons are full of people who went with their feelings. To be a great DBer you need to be able to think. Detach and look at the situation in 360 degrees. State your goals (which are consistent with your beliefs) and come up with a plan of action. If your actions work keep doing it, if not try something new. Open your mind and don't let fear hold you back from acting.
If you love your spouse and let them go. It's not lying to do that, even though you don't feel that is the best thing to do. Understand your feelings, know why you feel the way you do and take healthy productive action based on your goals.
You have a choice in how you handle things. You can choose the path of love, self-respect, healthy communication, forgiveness and responsibility for your self. Or you can choose to be a victim, make others responsible for your feelings and let things happen to you. "Love your neighbor as yourself."
Don't let your feelings define you. Let your actions which is a sign of your character. Handle it.
PEI- IMO...if a man walks away WITHOUT another woman in the wings...he probably gave the M an honest look...he put his ALL into it.
When they walk away as a result of another woman...I don't think they had time to reflect on everything....perhaps anything. They go into self preservation mode...
My wife must have been ______ My M must have lacked _______ I am not happy because my wife didn't give me ______
Why else would I have done this??? It couldn't have been something lacking in me...it must have been the M or my wife.
When you feel so terrible about the person you have become..the actions you have taken....it is so much easier to explain it away. It is too painful to take responsibility for it.
I am not saying that you didn't have issues in your M...and these issues weren't the responsibility of both of you...
I'm just putting this out there. IMO- it is a cop out.
Hey, couldn't agree more ... and he did walk before OW entered the picture. That's part of what I've come to understand. He was done in December, dropped the bomb in January and fell for OW in late March ... do I think he needs to do some major self work, yep ... but it does't change the timeline or his maturity level.
thanks Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
PEI- Why do you need to make a decision right now? You are feeling down today. You are the only one that knows your H...but do not make a decision based on how you think your H feels or his actions.
Hon, any decisions I'm making are based solely on how I feel. Really.
And that's exactly what concerns some of us -- for you -- right now, PEI. You shouldn't make life-altering decisions based on FEELINGS, in my opinion.
There is a very wise poster that I've learned a lot from -- one who successfully DB'd his marriage, too. In fact, he and his wife BOTH post on here, so it's been great to get both of their perspectives on what he did to win her back.
Anyway, he posted something on this very subject one day, and I thought it so profound that I decided to archive it, in case someone else could ever benefit from it. This is the very first time I've ever re-posted it (the title is mine, btw, not his):
Food for thought.
Puppy
Thanks Pup ... again, here I go posting and not being careful enough with my words ... the emphasis in that sentence was supposed to be the "I" as in not based on "HIM".
I am actually not being reactive, not acting on feelings, ... it's where I've seen the most growth. A "reactive" PEI would be handling this a LOT differently, let me tell ya!
I'm a huge Coach fan, and Greek too for that matter ... I've gotten great advice from both of them since my sitch started ...
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Originally Posted By: Coach
If you love your spouse and let them go. It's not lying to do that, even though you don't feel that is the best thing to do. Understand your feelings, know why you feel the way you do and take healthy productive action based on your goals.
You have a choice in how you handle things. You can choose the path of love, self-respect, healthy communication, forgiveness and responsibility for your self. Or you can choose to be a victim, make others responsible for your feelings and let things happen to you. "Love your neighbor as yourself."
My goals and objectives have changed and evolved based on many factors and this is now the path I am on - the basis for my choices, actions and decisions (ie. save my marriage at any cost is no longer my goal, I have standards and deal breakers regarding the treatment I receive). That is articulated so much more clearly than I would have been able to accomplish!
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Ummmm ... not sure exactly what you're thinkin' 'bout me right now Jack??? Hmmmmm?
What would Jack being thinking about you?
Do you think Jack is making a moral judgement about you?
It matters not what you think Jack or anybody else is thinking about you.
What matters is what you think about you.
That is what concerns me.
You are defending your decision with a great amount of weight toward
-what H is capable of -what your M was -a sense of time is of the essence -blaming yourself for holding H back -blaming yourself for controlling H -blaming yourself for H becoming someone different because of you
Your response to Jack tells me there is still a great amount of uncertainty deep down under the layers of
-your new found YOU -the hope for a better life -your healing -your growth
I have already written about this on my own thread.
When you receive grace during this process it is the most wonderful thing.
It is such a joyful revelation that...
...from such pain can spring joy, hope, love and understanding.
And we receive this ourselves and try to let it take hold in our life.
And we want to just bask in the glow of this and for it never to leave us.
BUT
With this new found grace is also a responsibility.
And we know it's there but we don't want to look at it because it is Grace manifest in its whole.
Manifest in the whole...
We want to deny it.
That which has been given us,
we must also GIVE.
Give without any expectation to whom we give it.
Yes this is the mystery of our journey in my opinion.
If you can think but for a second that depsite all outward appearences to the contrary,
Our spouse values most the love we give them.
There is nothing of more value we CAN give them.
Not space, nor freedom as these are all results of love.
It is the thing we most seek in this life is it not?
We marry when we fall in love hoping we have found someone who will love us no matter what.
Now we may not have done that in our old M.
When we receive this gift of grace it is not something we can deny in our life anymore.
THAT BELL CANNOT BE UNRUNG!
I leave you with one question for YOU
What is the ultimate expression of YOU
Of your character
Of your grace
Of your compassion
Of your courage
Honor Dignity
Answer THAT question.
And all the other ones matter not.
This is not about you standing for your M.
This IS about standing for you.
This is about growth. The best part of it IMO is the realization(awareness) and manifestation of grace in your life.
So what does that mean for YOU?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Just sayin'.