I feel your pain in trying to protect yourself from being hurt by someone that has been your life for so long. It can be a hard realization, I know. Talked with my FT today about how it's so difficult to proceed just thinking about "me" rather than "us": that the actions I take now have to be for whatever my future holds rather than what happens in my M. The beauty of that is, doing so gives the best chance for the survival of the M. BUT... we can't do it for that reason because somehow, it's not authentic and won't ever come across as such!
Geez...life is complicated. I'm glad you are getting good advice from good people here!
I read in one of Jack-Three-Beans replies that he was SO disgusted with his WAW that not only did he totally disconnect, he was looking forward to a life without her. Divorce became Plan A and he treated her as such.
That was her wakeup call. When she broke off her affair and came back and wanted to reconcile, he put her through hell because he was set on the divorce path. He wanted her to fail so he could call it quits.
But darned if she didn't repent and become the model wife after that. He ran out of excuses to NOT reconcile and break up his family (they have 2 boys).
Sunny's right - life IS complicated. I detest relationship games, but it seems the BS's "I'm done" one seems to create the best chance of success. Go figure.
SR, its because the LBS is always the safety net... always...
The WS never admits it, but they want to keep the WS around as a safety net... while they press the boundaries of the marraige gradually and watch the LBS fall apart. As long as the LBS shows a willingness to BE THERE the WS is going to explore the affair further and further.
Think of it like a high wire act in a circus... the LBS is the safety net and the affair is the tightrope the WS walks along...
Once you STOP being there... particularly by shutting your WS OUT of your life and they have no idea what you're doing or where you are going, the WS has to go back and check the safety net...
The begging, the pleading, the pursuit, the constant contact, even curses and blaming ALL REINFORCES to the WS that the net is there in tact.
Even threatening divorce won't stop them... when they SEE that the net is being taken away, or they are shut out of the LBS' life and don't KNOW anymore (effectively blinding the WS) they are forced to backpeddal...
This is why its so very important to expose the affair and then dissappear... this takes away the safety net AND shakes up that tightrope like crazy...
With a tightrope starting to unravel and the WS can't see a safety net in site panic will set in...
I'm really not sure where I'd be if it weren't for the advice from people on this board. It's really helpful.
I have to say that I'm feeling a bit like Jack-Three-Beans myself now because this is the first I've felt like I could tear him apart with my bare hands. Right now he's off on a vacation (not with the OW but with 2 male friends) seeing amazing sights, and I'm here picking up my shattered life and handling everything because he won't, and that's bad enough, but this yard, my god. I have over an acre to take care of and it's like a small park. I have a decent riding mower and can handle that fine, but the weather here has gone from drought to lots of rain so there are weeds like 1 foot to waist high everywhere and I am trying so hard to take care of all this and I'm just a wreck. It's so overwhelming. I do not at all have money to hire someone to take care of this for me. My friends, well I have been leaning on them to a ridiculous degree for emotional help and stuff, and I don't feel right asking someone to come over and do my yard in additiont to theirs. It's a ton of work. And the property settlement is on its way to my WH to sign and it gives me the house for my buying out his equity, and that's because he took everything else from me so I do not want to lose my house because I am most secure and happy here, but I am feeling like I really can't handle the workload. I mean right now I'm off work; if I can't handle this now how will I once I am back fulltime again? I'm just beyond frustrated today. Thanks for letting me vent.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Dont' sweat letting your friends help you... They may need YOU to help THEM sometime soon too... and they KNOW it..
This is how communities are built : Crisis builds families and communities.
Your H is running away from all that and it will come back to bite him in the arse don't worry about that... 99% chance it will come back to bite him... HARD.
I read in one of Jack-Three-Beans replies that he was SO disgusted with his WAW that not only did he totally disconnect, he was looking forward to a life without her. Divorce became Plan A and he treated her as such.
That was her wakeup call. When she broke off her affair and came back and wanted to reconcile, he put her through hell because he was set on the divorce path. He wanted her to fail so he could call it quits.
But darned if she didn't repent and become the model wife after that. He ran out of excuses to NOT reconcile and break up his family (they have 2 boys).
There were many projects that required my wife's help. While she was away I had the support of friends and family. At first I felt guilty for relying on them for help, but they didn't it mind it one bit. I also found that it was nice to work WITH them to help get things done and take my mind off the situation.
M34 W35 S5 S2 T10 M6 on/off over the years including her A Recently- Nov 2015 bomb Nov 2015-Feb 2016 Reconciling Feb bomb March-April Reconciling May - bomb Mid-May I tell her I'm done
Well I've put out a few requests for help, am waiting on responses. I've already been told by my mother, though, that based on all that everyone in my family has had to witness with me and all the heartache and now all this sheer workload he dumped on me, that if he ever came back that THEY would never forgive nor accept him into the family. It's like I'm getting warnings from them now that if that situation were to arise, that I'd nearly have to choose between them. I mean he just walked out leaving me a horrible mess outdoors. Our shed, you can't even walk into it, it's a total junk pile and I don't know what's important and what's not. I asked him what I'm supposed to do with it and he said "burn it down." ??? Our mower broke for the last time and was unfixable the first time I used it. It was so old he had kept it hanging together by a thread. I had no choice but to go buy one on credit because it would cost me more to hire a service for a year than to buy a mower. My alternative of course was to allow him to keep doing all this yardwork. Oh, he offered, many times, but I feel like that crosses my boundary of protection and only allows him to feel useful. I don't want that. It lets him have it both ways.
today I feel like throwing in the towel with him. For real. Like I need to file for what he has turned my life into. But it's only 6 weeks today since the bomb dropped. So maybe it's just today.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Emotions are fickle, Antonia. You'll feel one way today and different tomorrow - or a half dozen in one day! lol
I agree: let people help if they will and don't feel bad about it. It actually helps other people when they know they can do something specific to help you! It makes THEM feel good.
As for the family, well, MWD talks about that. You can't even worry about that right now. Cross that bridge when you get there.
Allen....LOVE the tightrope analogy! That's perfect.
The WS never admits it, but they want to keep the WS around as a safety net... while they press the boundaries of the marraige gradually and watch the LBS fall apart. As long as the LBS shows a willingness to BE THERE the WS is going to explore the affair further and further.
Think of it like a high wire act in a circus... the LBS is the safety net and the affair is the tightrope the WS walks along...
Once you STOP being there... particularly by shutting your WS OUT of your life and they have no idea what you're doing or where you are going, the WS has to go back and check the safety net...
Allen, I think this is one of the MOST profound things I've seen you write - and you've written a lot of really, REALLY good stuff, LOL!
But why do they want to destroy the LBS and see them 'fall apart'? For ego?
