What was the "bomb" your husband dropped that helped you to turn around?
I personally believe that boundary enforcement is not necessary if you have respect. Because we would not do certain things and we would have "good" manners with that person we value.
I came back from a trip and my H told me he wasn't sure he wanted to be married anymore. He told me that it was too late, he didn't miss me when I was gone, had been too hurt by things in the past and he didn't see how it could change. He did ask if we could go to counseling as his own IC had recommended it. I got into IC myself, so at that point we both had IC and MC. I mostly listened in MC and filled in information when it was clear he'd taken a point of view about me that was just mind reading. My H had a bad habit of just making assumptions and never speaking up. He never once asked me to change or stood up to me.
It was mostly a bomb because, though I'd thought about leaving myself, I thought he never would. A million other people, maybe, but not my H. Well, he surprised me.
I also figured out he was smitten with a woman he worked with, and one night while he was sleeping, I found a love letter he was crafting to her. The thing that killed me were the painstaking edits in red pen on the page. I know my H, and I watched him woo this woman. It was tough, but I sucked it up and worked on myself. It took us 3-4 months to reconcile after the bomb (quicker, I think, because the woman wasn't into him as more than a friend, but there's not way that ho' didn't know his feelings), and we were in MC for another 2+ years. I feel like last summer was when it was finally "over."
And I agree with you, if there's respect, there's very little reason to enforce boundaries. However, if someone doesn't realize it's a boundary (and my H still surprises me all the time as I do him), you have to speak up about it. That's mostly what I mean about enforcing boundaries once you've reconciled.
It's been a looooong journey, but I'm thankful for it now. It's made my M a lot better. H actually in a roundabout way thanked me this week for stepping up and standing by him while he was in the fog. In the end, it's brought us both closer together.
But it wasn't a quick fix by any stretch!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
