Hi all ... I'm not ignoring anyone, or anything that any of you have said ... I'm having a crazy busy week at work, a family wedding this week and on top of it all, today sucks.
Today would have been my neices 6th birthday. I can't believe it's been 15 mos .... there is no way to sugar coat it. Today sucks. Period.
I have a few minutes so I'll address a few points ...
First, some details that haven't been posted:
I now firmly believe that H was a WAH (a long time ago, just tried to "do the right thing" for years). He's been DONE for a long time. I do also believe that he is having a MLC, or identity crisis, or whatever ... but I think it hit after he decided he was "done". Some of you may say that doesn't matter, I beg to differ. Let's agree to disagree.
H is in a full blown R with OW. He told me it was over before he started it, so is it an A? I guess legally yes, since we're still married, but he's been emotionally divorced for a while now. He grieved our M in bits and pieces over the last few years and then finally in Dec/Jan before he ever dropped the bomb.
I am well aware of what our dynamic did to us personally and emotionally. We were codependancy at it's "finest". It completely obliterated his self esteem and it changed who we were - and not for the better. We were good friends, and I think we still are, but on a deeper level, we just don't seem to connect. And it's not revisionist history to say that we probably never have. Not on a deep, meaningful "I really see you, ALL of you" kind of level. We were two kids, having fun, who fell into a pattern, without any relationship skills or experience to know any better.
I've considered so much ... could he change? Would my changes be enough to spark change in him? Should he change? What would we have to compromise? Who are we? What do I need in a partner? Is H that person? Could he be that person? What does H need in a partner? Am I that person? Could I be that person? Am I afraid to be alone? Do I have regrets? Will I have regrets? Have I done everything I could? Everything I should? What are my motivations for the decisions I am making? Do I love unconditionally?
H and I had a very open weekend, we talked a lot. He asked me if I was interested in, or seeing someone. I told him I was interested in starting to see someone. I'm ready. He is happy for me (and I know y'all think it's guilt and justification, I did too, and I'm sure that some of it is). I've known this man for 15 years and he is genuine. He wants me to be happy. I am ready to live my life
He's in a R with OW, has met her daughter, has started attending family functions etc. He is rediscovering who he is and he is happy. He's seems at peace.
We hung out a bit, took the kids to the beach ... he even cracked a few jokes about "Gary Unmarried" (for those of you unfamiliar with the show, it's a sitcom about a divorced couple who stay friends ... also kinda like the "New Adventures of Old Christine").
J3B ~ I'm not rushing ahead with anything. I want to move back into my house. I'm not filing anything or forcing him to do anything, I'm just ready to live my life and take back some control over MY life. Not his. I'm not slamming the door shut. And now for question two, have I met a nice person? As a matter of fact I have ... ME. And I'm ready to introduce her to the world ... and yes, that world involves men.
Twink ~
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For our first 30+ years together, except for a couple of tough times, we were very good together on every level, and I couldn't deny that
This is my point ... if I'm truly honest, then this isn't true of us. Not on every level, only on the surface. Fate? Not likely. We could have learned new skills, stayed together and figured out how to best make it work for the kids, but that, my friends takes two.
Grit ~
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You knew we would challenge every aspect of this.
Yes I did. I'd be disappointed if y'all didn't.
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My general observation that comes from my own experience is that I have come through an amazing transformation during this process.
I have become a whole new person from a month ago...capable of much better and greater things I never thought possible.
I hear ya. Me too. My capacity to love unconditionally, be compassionate, honest and true ... I didn't know I had it in me. I really didn't.
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What happens in a relationship when people grow and are allowed to be themselves, without our control, expectations and fear?
I don't know either, but I can't wait to find out. With whomever my next R is with. What I can say is that whoever he is, he will be getting a better me. A more honest, real, authentic me. And for that I thank my H. Without this experience I would not have grown.
Eric ~ I know you said not to reply, but c'mon ... seriously? Me? Not reply? Whatever I have three small kiddos of my own, so yes, the bandaid story is all too familiar. I know what you are saying. I do. And I appreciate it. I get it. I thought about it. I slept on it. And I'm comfortable, and honestly, telling you ... no bandaids. Not anymore. I've used emotional band aids since I was 5 years old and I'm not doing it anymore. My C and I were already working on this, exposing those old wounds to the air.
Now, I'm not suggesting that I'm 100% healed ... nope. But you know why? We're human, we hurt, we feel. We take our experiences and if we are to learn from them, we continue to feel them. So I will always carry the scars from this experience, the same way I carry scars from all of the experiences that brought me this far on my journey. Scars. Not scabs. Not open wounds.
Yes Eric, my truth. I'm living it. And it feels good.
missher ~ I hear ya buddy, I really do. Anything is possible. And so is nothing. I don't have the proverbial crystal ball so I've decided to live my life. No regrets. None. If H and I come through this friends, and that's it, and he's happy then I truly am ok with that. I love him enough to let him be himself and make his own choices. I also love myself enough to make choices for myself and to move foward, even move on ...
Thank you, all of you, really ... Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Today would have been my neices 6th birthday. I can't believe it's been 15 mos .... there is no way to sugar coat it. Today sucks. Period.
(((PEI))) My heart goes out to you today.
Originally Posted By: PEImom_of_3
I've considered so much ... could he change? Would my changes be enough to spark change in him? Should he change? What would we have to compromise? Who are we? What do I need in a partner? Is H that person? Could he be that person? What does H need in a partner? Am I that person? Could I be that person? Am I afraid to be alone? Do I have regrets? Will I have regrets? Have I done everything I could? Everything I should? What are my motivations for the decisions I am making? Do I love unconditionally?
You are very brave and I admire your ability to ask yourself such tough questions, learn, grow and 'live your truth'. Take care, PG.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
PEI- Why do you need to make a decision right now? You are feeling down today. You are the only one that knows your H...but do not make a decision based on how you think your H feels or his actions.
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He's in a R with OW, has met her daughter, has started attending family functions etc. He is rediscovering who he is and he is happy. He's seems at peace.
That is your perception of him right now. I don't know about you...but my feelings change day to day-some times minute by minute.
Your H may seem at peace right now...and he may rediscovering himself- but that doesn't mean the end of your M. From reading your thread..he doesn't appear to be a WAH..he appears to be confused. It doesn't appear that your H ever stopped seeing the OW...so when did he take the time to really think about his M? IMO-he hasn't.
I am truly sorry today is soo awful for you!! (hugs)
PEI- Why do you need to make a decision right now? You are feeling down today. You are the only one that knows your H...but do not make a decision based on how you think your H feels or his actions.
Hon, any decisions I'm making are based solely on how I feel. Really. And I'm making some decisions because I am ready to make some decisions. Period. While some, ok many, disagree with some of the choices and decisions I'm making, everyone is entitled to their opinion, and I really do appreciate all of the thoughtfulness and concern. I really do. My thoughts on H are just observations, not justifications or rationalizations.
Originally Posted By: lolawar
From reading your thread..he doesn't appear to be a WAH..he appears to be confused. It doesn't appear that your H ever stopped seeing the OW...so when did he take the time to really think about his M? IMO-he hasn't.
I am truly sorry today is soo awful for you!! (hugs)
I'm not sure where you get the confusion, I can tell you that I base my WAH thoughts on our last 6 mos of conversation re the last 6-15 years, and then honest and careful reflection. And you're right, H has not stopped seeing OW, but he took the last 6 years to really think about our M. I appreciate your opinion, but what I'm discovering is that perhaps I don't do as good a job as I thought when it comes to conveying my thoughts and feelings.
Thanks for the hugs ... today is a hard day, but being down has nothing to do with the state of my M or any decisions I am making in relation to it.
Thanks again Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I have three small kiddos of my own, so yes, the bandaid story is all too familiar. I know what you are saying. I do. And I appreciate it. I get it. I thought about it. I slept on it. And I'm comfortable, and honestly, telling you ... no bandaids. Not anymore. I've used emotional band aids since I was 5 years old and I'm not doing it anymore. My C and I were already working on this, exposing those old wounds to the air. 
