Uh Oh....I was just reading the last couple posts on this thread.
On Tuesday my Husband had me served with divorce papers, that night he called and asked if he should come home, I kinda laughed and said," You just had me served, you want a divorce, yet you want to stay here"? He never did come home that night.
Last night he came here to tell the Girls and get some of his stuff, when I asked where he was staying he said you told me I can't stay here. I don't remember actually sayiny those words. I wonder if he is playing games with me so he doesnt look like he abandond the family.
Me:43 H:43 T:20 YRS M:15 YRS Bomb: 6/9/08 Bomb#2 7/6/10 Served with papers at work 7/13/10 DD:14, DD:11
Such simple words....such a powerful goal and mantra for one's life. All of DBing is compressed into those 6 little words.
I will state categorically, that the reason all of us are here is b/c we violated at least on of the above. I acknowledge that I violated all 3 - repeatedly.
Live happy Always agree Be confident
Books can and have been written about each point and our unique, individual views thereof, so I'll just limit myself to a few thoughts on each...feel free to add your own, for sharing together, we build off of each other's knowledge...I will be happy to read them.
Live happy.....Living happily means that you are the owner of your own life - you are not the victim of circumstance. You pick and choose who and what influences you and how and most of all, it's the realization that you and you alone create your own happiness....you are freed from the burden of having others be responsible for that. It means you find joy in the world you create and find happiness in the world around. Ever been around someone with an infectious joy for life? Be that person for yourself. Own your world. When you live happy, you are able to always agree and exude confidence.
Always agree - In matters of perception, the other person is *always* right. Why not make them righter? If we disagree with someone's perspective, we are making them wrong - and making them wronger only makes them dig in more, for they are sure they are as right as we think we are. In addition, by making them righter, by not fighting against them, we are demonstrating our own internal sense of security - we know our point of view and are strong enough to be able to listen to someone else's...esp so when we confidently agree w/o being or feeling "defensive"! "Your perception is right and I'm so confident of myself that I've no need to defend myself!" - do you think our Ss would dig this? Furthermore, by agreeing, we show empathy and take away any reasons they may have to fight against us. Now, always agreeing doesn't mean you cannot present your point of view - far from it - in fact, it helps your point of view be heard, for you are showing that you're hearing theirs. It also doesn't mean that we cannot be in control - far from it there too - we can agree to something and either make it seem like our decision and/or set the terms of the actual happening. All we've done is take the fight right out of them and made them more right. Last thought here - would you prefer to be married to a person who's more right or more wrong? Think about how your disagreeing with them reflects back on you. When you always agree, you live happy and are confident.
Be confident - the simplest and yet the hardest to define. To thine own self be true. When you're confident, you don't need to pursue. You don't need reassurance. You don't pressure. You don't need to feel sorry for yourself. You don't need the other person in your life. You don't "need" period - you merely prefer. When you're confident, suddenly it just doesn't matter what she says or does, for you are confident of your direction in life and end purpose and goals. When you're confident, you know it's okay to "fail" for it only becomes a learning experience and you know you'll do better next time. When you're confident, you stop saying "I'm sorry" and asking for permission: Words like "would" and "should" and "could" disappear from your life. When you are confident, you live happily and are secure enough to always agree.
Live happy Always agree Be confident
Michele taught us a valuable lesson - how to acheive these goals - by doing them! To live happy, all it takes is to act happy - pretend at first, but do it! To always agree, merely stop disagreeing, no matter if ever fiber in your body screams "defend yourself, defend yourself!". To be confident, make little decisions and make more of them.
Live happy Always agree Be confident
That's all it takes. That's all there is.
Live happy Always agree Be confident
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I didn't write it. I quoted it from this thread. I use this as my bookmark for DB. I learned a lot by reading this when I first got here, I still use it. Thought it would be helpful on this thread.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Just a quick question. It's become really apparent that there's no OM and the EA I suspected is really pretty shallow and one sided. I think the biggest issue is the lack of physical attraction due to so much neglect. Is the moving quickly towards separation the proper step to try and make things work? I'm doing my 180s, GAL, and the communication between the two of us has never been better.
Our plan is to try and sell the house next spring, and then get separate housing. I don't like the limbo aspect of this, but there are a billion practical reasons to wait til spring to split. She's said she's in no huge rush either, but I can't tell if that's cake eating, or just wanting to avoid disrupting our Ds. She's said she's afraid of trying to make it on her own financially.
1. I don't agree with always agree. (There's irony) Always validate.
2. Pinhead: It's a matter of triage. The attraction is the last thing to come back. First, you stop the bleeding. The WAW needs to feel safe to express her feelings. She needs to feel that the changes you are making are real and not just to get her back. She needs to have fun around you and not feel badly for you or find you a drag. But it's not a linear thing. In the same way that the littlest setback can bring the panic and anxiety back in you, the littlest sign of reconnection can bring back her panic and anxiety and she can withdraw. Remember, a WAW walks away because she has come to an emotional state where it is less painful to walk away than to face the problems in her relationship. Someone (possibly coach?) compared the process to befriending a stray cat. I think that's about right. On the one hand they want to reconnect. On the other, they're afraid.
Finally, the books and the DB coaches will tell you to STALL any move towards separation or divorce. However, I have not been doing research into sitchs where there is a PA or EA and don't have experience there (I don't believe so, anyway.) I don't know if the stalling tactic applies in those cases.
1. I don't agree with always agree. (There's irony) Always validate.
2. Pinhead: It's a matter of triage. The attraction is the last thing to come back. First, you stop the bleeding. The WAW needs to feel safe to express her feelings. She needs to feel that the changes you are making are real and not just to get her back. She needs to have fun around you and not feel badly for you or find you a drag. But it's not a linear thing. In the same way that the littlest setback can bring the panic and anxiety back in you, the littlest sign of reconnection can bring back her panic and anxiety and she can withdraw. Remember, a WAW walks away because she has come to an emotional state where it is less painful to walk away than to face the problems in her relationship. Someone (possibly coach?) compared the process to befriending a stray cat. I think that's about right. On the one hand they want to reconnect. On the other, they're afraid.
Finally, the books and the DB coaches will tell you to STALL any move towards separation or divorce. However, I have not been doing research into sitchs where there is a PA or EA and don't have experience there (I don't believe so, anyway.) I don't know if the stalling tactic applies in those cases.
Just my opinion based on my experience.
OK MakingProgress, I agree with you on point #1 of your post, I guess since I agree with you and your opinion, we can't really argue about it.
What else do you want to talk about since we agree?
WAW: "I want a divorce and I will never love you again. I found someone else and am madly and passionately in love with them. I would like you to let me go and not try to win me back in any way shape or form. Please leave me alone and don't try to disagree with me that you don't want a divorce because it won't make any difference. My mind is made up."
You can go ahead and try to validate that without agreeing and I will take my chances agreeing. Agreeing helps them to FEEL validated far far better. When you disagree not only do they not feel validated, but YOU don't feel validated.
How validated would you feel if you told your spouse "I don't want this divorce and I understand you do, but I want to try."
And she says."I understand you don't want the divorce and want to try, but I am done and strongly disagree with you that it can even be saved. I want out. Nothing you can say will change my mind. I do want you to know I understand your feelings." (which IS what most WAS's are actually saying with their words and actions)
OR... would you rather hear?:
Betrayed: "I don't want this divorce and will do whatever it takes to make this work. I am sorry for what I have done."
WAW: "I have heard what you said, and I agree with you. I think you are right and we should try and I agree that we should do whatever to make this work."
Either way can be called "validating" One way you FEEL validated and the other, not so much..
So, you can validate till the cows come home, BUT if the OTHER PERSON doesn't FEEL validated it means nothing. It isn't what YOU feel is validating,but what the person you are communicating with that needs to feel validated for it to be true validation.
The W has never actually said divorce, just separation. But "trust nothing they say, and only 1/2 of what they do" tells me that she's wants out. I think she's just scared of the consequences.
So do I put my BBB (big boy boxers) on and encourage her to move out ASAP? I can manage financially better than I expected, and Limbo is a sucky place to be.
