tired of this

[A_goodman]

Ok, I was too busy yesterday to post. Wanted to update my sitch. We had therapy as scheduled Tuesday night. It was interesting. I think I am finally turning a corner. Anger is falling away and Sadness is not as crushing. I know it’s probably temporary so I'm not getting used to it, but it has been a far less stressful couple of days.

There is much to tell about the session. The MC wanted to start with the EA from 3 years ago and how it affected us, but I needed to say something first. After our previous session, we had a fight because I had mentioned in session that I felt like this was going to be HER decision. She was Incensed that I was blaming her for everything. So the other night I clarified for all exactly what I meant. I told them both that I felt equally culpable for our present sitch and that my point was that either one of us could choose to walk out on the family instead of work on our problems. I choose to try and work this out. So if she chooses differently, then she should own it. She says she will not accept that responsibility and protested that it seemed to her that I was trying to paint her in a bad light, or that she doesn't care about our family. So I countered that, since we are both part of the family, I could not see it any other way. I told MC that it was like two business partners. If one of them is willing to do the work to survive bad times, and one of them is looking to sell his share off, which one of them is MORE committed to the business? To me, it is black and white. I was not backing down and won't.

He asked her why it had bothered her so much and one of the things she mentioned was that I had acted like a jerk about it. I had to admit that during our argument I probably had been a jerk, (only because controlling my emotions the way I will need to is new to me). So I apologized for being over the line, but not for what I think is the truth. I turned to MC and explained that this was common. Every time I have failed to back down in the past, she takes it as me being a jerk. Which was my opening invitation to talk about my new favorite thing: Self Respect!

I told him that since the very beginning of our relationship, I have been a wimpy, pathetic excuse for a man. I had lost all respect for myself and thus it was little wonder that W felt little respect for me as well. So, when I did summon some backbone, it came across like me being a jerk. I admitted it had been a problem between us. W piped up and said that I have always been dishonest this way and that she was glad that I finally admit it. I agreed with her. And added that I know now how bad this is. I added that the fact that my “going along to get along” was not honest, was not the only reason why it was bad and the consequences are more than she probably sees. I said that I now realize that my behavior was a sign to her that I had no regard for myself or my own feelings and no self respect. I was acting totally out of fear of her anger and of losing her. That is why I reacted so emotionally pathetic when the excrement actually hit the fan both times. Now I realize that fear of losing something is no way to keep it AND be able to get what you need. And that I’m no longer willing to be that doormat. I will live my life in a way that is healthy and gives me joy. Unfortunately, the way things are now is not doing that for me anymore. I told her I love her, but was no longer afraid of her anger or what she DECIDES to do. I want to work things out, and try and rebuild our marriage in a healthy way and am willing to work hard on that, but if she is unwilling to do that, I am ready to go on without her. I think I paraphrased Gucci Loafer’s quote about agreeing with them and telling them “I deserve more and plan to go get it”. I also mentioned that whatever we make of this marriage, should we go forward, will be far different than it is now or was before. There will be some things that I will need (boundaries) for my own sanity and happiness than MUST be met.

They were both stunned a little. W didn’t know what to say, but that she was happy that I had grown. MC was surprised and said so. I told them both I had had a lot of time and motivation which I used to climb around in my brain. (I didn't give you guys the credit you richly deserve for helping me be "introspective").

So he directed me to explain what kinds of things I would want changed. I went back to what he wanted to start with. I said that he had asked the question: “how did W’s EA affect your relationship?” I felt it was time to lay out a boundary. I said due to that time in our R, I have lost all sense of trust in W. We have done not one thing to address this. She said this is the first time she has ever heard this. I turned to her and apologized for keeping that in. That it is a direct result of my past fear. When things got better, I never brought it up again. I told her that during the peaceful and happy time between then and now, I never thought about it and probably didn’t realize I was mistrustful of her. But that since Facebook and going out started, it has been a regular problem. Since this all started, I have been a paranoid wreck. And without being able to trust her, I don’t know if I believe anything she says.

She countered with “how can I know if you don’t tell me?” I owned that on the spot, but did mention that I mentioned early on that FB was a problem for me and that she was dismissive about that. I told her that there was absolutely zero transparency in our R and that I would never grow to trust her again without complete transparency. We talked about what transparency meant and she was aghast. She accused me of trying to totally control her and cried foul over the total lack of privacy it would require. I did not back down. I mentioned that I have read several books and done research on how to recover from infidelity and that is the universal solution to building trust back. I mentioned again that she was free to go, but that this was something I need to be happy and healthy.

The counselor was fascinated by my total change in just a week’s time. I said there was more, but we were out of time.
He want’s to explore the rest of my needs. Also why my W’s feelings toward me and our M suddenly changed back in March and also what needs she needs to be met before she can feel a commitment one way or the other. Should be interesting. It was eerie that I was able to stay calm on the exterior. My emotions were roiling, but about half way through the hour, I realized that I had zoned out and was able to think and speak clearly. I hope that continues.

It’s been so liberating not being afraid. It still creeps in, but only for the boys (which is still killing me) and in the unknown logistics. I am not afraid of losing her any more. She’s not been the lady I was in love with for some time, so if she goes, it will be a stranger walking out. I can honestly say, I hope we never are the way we were again. Hopefully, we can stay married, but not the same way. I want to be happy.

I can’t thank all of you enough for the care and tough love. I hope to one day make you proud! Sandi, Coach, Robx thank you especially for taking a direct interest in my plight and reaching out. I know it’s not over by a long shot, and that I’ll be back here often crying in my beer over how hard it is for a long time to come, but I m going to really try and keep learning.

Oh, I told her I knew about the money on the way home. That’s another book long post. I'll get that story out as well as what happened later that night as soon as I can.

Cheers.