It's almost like a contest QS... Like she is trying to cheat and you are trying to stop her.
You know that even if she does eventually cheat that SHE's the one who loses beause she's turned herself into a "2$ whore" as you put it earlier.
That battle is already won on your end. It isnt' important. The battle YOU need to win is NOT CARING if she does. You need to be able to look in the mirror and say
"I deserve better than this. If SHE resorts to THAT LEVEL of disrespect then she doesnt' deserve me"
I am sure there are at least a dozen women in your area who would NOT resort to this sort of thing in a crisis...
That's the MOST IMPORTANT thing in a mate QS, it isn't how big her boobs are or how wild she gets in bed... It's how mature they are in a crisis that's most important.
In this respect your wife's probably looking pretty ugly right now.
You need to be in a place emotionally where you can say "I am ok with things going etiher way... I will be fine"
Once I DID that, thats when my wife actually started to turn around...
One time I found a pic message she sent to a coworker, and it was of a sports bar where their group usually ate. This particular guy wasn't on the trip that time, and the sent the pic of a hockey jersey and said "you know your team sucks".
So I hope to God that she either sent something like that, or it was work-related.
But I am preparing for the worst. I have an EXACT plan tomorrow night of how I am NOT going to be IN THE HOUSE when she gets home.
BUT, I will be 200 feet away at a neighbor's house where I can still reach the wireless. Then I can access everything if she gets online.
And if I am not home, she will let her guard down, and maybe leave the phone lying around.
All I need is EXACTLY 6 minutes to dump the phone and run recovery software. If anything is there I will find it.
Like Puppy said, I need to move slow, the strike FAST AND HARD.
And about her cheating. Last night she got offline kind of abruptly. So it's possible she sent the pic message to whoever, and then they stopped by her hotel room. I can't be SURE until I run this intel operation.
But it was almost exactly 35 min between when she sent it, and when she abruptly got offline. Don't know, maybe time enough for the guy to take a shower? Ha Ha. Sigh.....
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/15/1001:56 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Honey, I know you're hurting, but being a doormat and monitoring your W's every move isn't attractive. Worrying about what she'll do if you do XYZ? NOT attractive.
Women need to respect a man in order to feel attracted to them. Without respect, there is no chance for attraction.
Before the bomb, I knew I could get my H to back down on anything, and it wasn't attractive at all. He definitely had his own issues in the marriage, but his (perceived) weakness was a real turnoff. Know what changed that?
He bombed me, and no amount of my tricks would sway him. He was clear, firm, had boundaries...and all of a sudden, I wanted to save my M and be with this man. I know it "shouldn't" be like this, but it IS like this.
Listen to what Puppy told you about taking actions because they are RIGHT, not because you think your W will do something. The latter is manipulation. The worst has already happened-your W is flashing her goods all over creation, treating you like crap, has filed for D, and looking to get laid. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. In any case, if your W came back tomorrow, she would do it again because YOU have NOT CHANGED.
Women want strong men with boundaries. By strong I do not mean all aggressive and testosteroned. Strong means knowing who you are, what you are willing to accept, and holding the line. Since we've reconciled, my H has been working on this, and it makes our M much better.
Know that even when you DO step up to hold a boundary, your W is going to try to get you to drop it. There will be fireworks as she tries every trick she has to get you to stop. She will say things like, "I was thinking about coming back, but then you did XYZ." THIS IS SCRIPT AND TOTAL BS. We've all heard it.
Collect your intell, but why on earth would you interrupt your GAL on Friday by checking in on your neighbor's computer? Dude...get your focus on you. Fake it 'til you make it. When my sitch was happening, I made it a point to not be here when H was coming home. I'd be here all day, but then get dressed up and put on perfume and leave just before he got home. I went to free concerts, meetup.com groups, engaged in hobbies I liked, and even just sat in the bookstore with a book and a latte. Sometimes I'd go to the park and just write everything I wanted to say or was feeling. Then I'd come home, a little later than he'd be expecting me.
It was hard at first, but I found myself enjoying life. I still mark it as one of the best summers of my life. I found myself and my own boundaries, and I learned to speak up about what I want and need instead of being passive aggressive about it like before. My H and I learned to rebuild our M, in no small part because I did the work on myself. I *was* lucky in that he was in IC and we were in MC early on, and even though he was in the throes of an EA, he was able to let go and stick it out. Still, his emotional attachment to this woman lasted to some degree for a couple of years...but *I* didn't set that firm boundary early on because of *my* fear. He wasn't pursuing her any longer and I knew he loved me and was committed to our M, but H collects people and once he knows you, he wants to be your friend for life. I finally reached my limit and set a firm boundary--and he respected it.
Ask yourself: if you'd just met your W and found out the things she was doing, would you want to be in a R with her? Why would you put up with her crap now if you wouldn't put up with it in a new R?
It's time to find your huevos from wherever your wife stored them. Women are attracted to men who know who they are, what they want, and what they'll accept. Detach from the outcome and take RIGHT ACTION.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
You need to be in a place emotionally where you can say "I am ok with things going etiher way... I will be fine"
Once I DID that, thats when my wife actually started to turn around...
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's exactly when my H turned around. I'd really let go, was enjoying my life, and wasn't worrying about H. My thought at the time was, "He'll either recommit or he won't. I'll be okay either way."
Drop your fear. Let go. Detach from the outcome.
Are you in IC? If not, GO.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
In any case, if your W came back tomorrow, she would do it again because YOU have NOT CHANGED.
I will disagree with that statement. The intel I collect is to protect MYSELF, know what is going on, and give me knowledge.
I may fall apart from time to time, but through this all I found the strength TWICE to face the brutality of exposure.
When I FIRST found out about the sexting, I confronted her, but backed down because the said she was "sorry" and I took her at her word. I didn't want to push her away anymore.
But when it came down to it the last 2 times, as much as I DIDN'T want to, I DID it.
And I didn't back down one bit when she left to her friends. And I am not GOING to.
Like I said I may fall apart when I am ALONE. But I an finding myself becoming stronger and stronger everyday.
Like last night when she abruptly got offline. There's a 50/50 chance she might have had someone come to do her. I just have to accept that possibility, and do what is right for ME.
I know having all the intel in the world is right FOR ME. It helps me to have the situation under control, and face the EXTREME HARSH REALITY of my situation.
It FORCES me to confront the darkness, and each time I do that it helps me to get further away from the rope I just dropped.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
But it makes it hard when she sends picture messages at 10pm on a business trip to a number I have never seen before.
Because that's what she did last night. And I can't get the reverse lookup for free this time.
Why on earth would you be sending pic messages at 10pm from your hotel room other than for nefarious purposes.
I don't know. I'll have to now wait until she gets home tomorrow, hope she lays her phone down for a while, and run it through my software.
Wouldn't it suck if I went through all that exposure, only then for her to start sexting another guy.
QuickSilver264,
I'd document some of this more. What is going to be more powerful for you, and many of us is to stop worrying about what she is doing. You need to do you at top-speed, like a beast. You are a bachelor for now. Attract top quality females. After this you may not want your wife back. She will be lucky to be with you and that you stayed with her through this phase.
Damn, that really sucks about the pictures going out late at nite.
What also may happen when you do you like a beast... IS she may end up spending more of her time worrying about what you are doing, so she won't have time enough to do her crap. You are also going to become more attractive to anyone. Right now you are chasing someone who doesn't want you.
Your female has betrayed you in a terrible way. Oh, also I'd be prepared to handle physical altercations if it comes your way. You would need to decisively crush one of those OM's.
Honey, I know you're hurting, but being a doormat and monitoring your W's every move isn't attractive. Worrying about what she'll do if you do XYZ? NOT attractive.
Women need to respect a man in order to feel attracted to them. Without respect, there is no chance for attraction.
Before the bomb, I knew I could get my H to back down on anything, and it wasn't attractive at all. He definitely had his own issues in the marriage, but his (perceived) weakness was a real turnoff. Know what changed that?
He bombed me, and no amount of my tricks would sway him. He was clear, firm, had boundaries...and all of a sudden, I wanted to save my M and be with this man. I know it "shouldn't" be like this, but it IS like this.
Listen to what Puppy told you about taking actions because they are RIGHT, not because you think your W will do something. The latter is manipulation. The worst has already happened-your W is flashing her goods all over creation, treating you like crap, has filed for D, and looking to get laid. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. In any case, if your W came back tomorrow, she would do it again because YOU have NOT CHANGED.
Women want strong men with boundaries. By strong I do not mean all aggressive and testosteroned. Strong means knowing who you are, what you are willing to accept, and holding the line. Since we've reconciled, my H has been working on this, and it makes our M much better.
Know that even when you DO step up to hold a boundary, your W is going to try to get you to drop it. There will be fireworks as she tries every trick she has to get you to stop. She will say things like, "I was thinking about coming back, but then you did XYZ." THIS IS SCRIPT AND TOTAL BS. We've all heard it.
Collect your intell, but why on earth would you interrupt your GAL on Friday by checking in on your neighbor's computer? Dude...get your focus on you. Fake it 'til you make it. When my sitch was happening, I made it a point to not be here when H was coming home. I'd be here all day, but then get dressed up and put on perfume and leave just before he got home. I went to free concerts, meetup.com groups, engaged in hobbies I liked, and even just sat in the bookstore with a book and a latte. Sometimes I'd go to the park and just write everything I wanted to say or was feeling. Then I'd come home, a little later than he'd be expecting me.
It was hard at first, but I found myself enjoying life. I still mark it as one of the best summers of my life. I found myself and my own boundaries, and I learned to speak up about what I want and need instead of being passive aggressive about it like before. My H and I learned to rebuild our M, in no small part because I did the work on myself. I *was* lucky in that he was in IC and we were in MC early on, and even though he was in the throes of an EA, he was able to let go and stick it out. Still, his emotional attachment to this woman lasted to some degree for a couple of years...but *I* didn't set that firm boundary early on because of *my* fear. He wasn't pursuing her any longer and I knew he loved me and was committed to our M, but H collects people and once he knows you, he wants to be your friend for life. I finally reached my limit and set a firm boundary--and he respected it.
Ask yourself: if you'd just met your W and found out the things she was doing, would you want to be in a R with her? Why would you put up with her crap now if you wouldn't put up with it in a new R?
It's time to find your huevos from wherever your wife stored them. Women are attracted to men who know who they are, what they want, and what they'll accept. Detach from the outcome and take RIGHT ACTION.
You need to be in a place emotionally where you can say "I am ok with things going etiher way... I will be fine"
Once I DID that, thats when my wife actually started to turn around...
SDFoundGirl,
What was the "bomb" your husband dropped that helped you to turn around?
I personally believe that boundary enforcement is not necessary if you have respect. Because we would not do certain things and we would have "good" manners with that person we value.
Sure coming out of a near divorce with affair, there is going to have to be boundary enforcement and you show the person you aren't going to tolerate bad behaviors anymore.
Today was a good day so far. I actually TOTALLY finished that home improvement project, and it looks spectacular.
a) My wife will either be excited that the house is improved and it will sell faster and for more money, or
b) She will be angry and upset that I am doing what I should have NOW instead of before
Or a then b; b then a. Whatever happens, I KEPT MY PROMISE.
I may only have a limited amount of time in this home, but by God I am going to enjoy it.
A MUCH better day than yesterday, but it still sucks that I have to go this alone.
I called her mom yesterday just to ask about neutral paint colors and what's best. She either avoided my call or didn't call me back on purpose. That kind of hurt.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
