I filed for Divorce. W has been spotted with OM, and I hit a point where I decided I wouldn't want her back even if she decided she wanted to R, so it was time to file to protect myself also since I have some financial events coming up that I needed to protect from her.
I have been 'negotiating' a settlement directly with W. I have a great and more-than-fair deal on the table for her but she is still waffling on whether it is 'enough' for her. I am paying her support based upon her only working 70% time not full time and she still thinks she will have to work too much - go figure.
I finally told her today that this is the best deal she will get from me voluntarily, and that if she doesn't want to sign the agreement we can just get lawyers and go to court.
Some of the things that have been happening are that W comes and goes from the house all the time and I am not that happy about it. She claims it is because we are in a 'transition' period for the kids and that she needs to come there for one reason or another. I think the real reason is that she doesn't like her place and the kids aren't thrilled about it either.
I am dating. It is a lot of fun and I have met someone I really like actually. W and my teenage kids know. I told my teenage kids because I realized that it is very possible that I would be spotted with this person so I wanted to let them know. I don't want to sneak around and I want to be up front and honest with them where I am and with whom, just like I expect from them. W complained that I told them but I told her I refuse to sneak around like her and OM have done the past 2 years, and sure enough I was out with this OW and someone who knows D16 saw us (we were in the next town over).
W has gotten real aggressive about communiating with me about the kids and complaining about one thing or another. I communicate with her minimally right now. It is a relief having her out of my daily life. When she finally moved out it was like a cloud lifted or something and I felt relief.
Its probably time for me to switch to 'surviving the big D'!
One way to fix that, pull back that offer of paying her support based on her working 70% of the time, she's an adult, she can get a full time job and work 100% of the time just like the rest of us in the real world.
Seriously, change the offer and see what happens then, tell her you've changed your mind, kids are teenagers now, there's no use in her not working full-time, they don't require babysitters or full-time parental care at home, you need to look at the reality of the situation and instead of giving her too much because you're being nice, work from the other angle.
you don't have to reward her for having an affair and you don't have to worry how she will manage after you are divorced, she's an adult, allow her the ability to be responsible for herself, she made adult decisions, chose to have an affair, chose to split up the family and you are still trying to take care of her and be the nice guy, stop that and be the "real" guy, let her deal with the reality of the situation, let her put on her bgp's (big girl panties) and deal with reality just like you have to.
"I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. My life is falling apart"
FROWN.
At lunch walk up to a attractive single woman and say, "Excuse me, I believe you dropped your name tag." You then smile and hand her a sugar packet.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
At lunch walk up to a attractive single woman and say, "Excuse me, I believe you dropped your name tag." You then smile and hand her a sugar packet.
Total cheese (rolling my eyes). Greek
Well if it was you I would hand you the "Queen of Diamonds."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Robx - it is funny you should mention it, but in the past 48 hours I have been considering the same. I did all this work to draft a settlement agreement with nearly everything she wanted except the fact that it had support payments based upon her working 80% time. I wanted 100% and she wanted 60% (currently she is 40%). I compromised and accepted 80%. Then once I had the agreement in front of her, she balked and said she wanted 60%, and I compromised *again* to avoid having to spend money on lawyers, etc and agreed to 70%.
The other thing I did just to avoid arguments is give her some of my stock options (less than 10%), which by law I don't need to since our agreed upon date of separation pre-dates the stock grant.
The other day she started making noise again about 60% and I said take this or leave it, but now I am considering backing away from this agreement as you suggest. I am going through all the process to properly execute the divorce as if it were contested otherwise in case our negotiations fall through, but I may be the one to throw a wrench into it at this point.
I am going to sit down with my lawyer and talk to him about the certainty of a judge ordering her to work at least 80% time. He had assured me in the past that this would occur.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Wow - its been 2 months since I have posted. I wanted to log an update but hadn't realized how much time has gone by.
I still very much wish my M could have been saved, and I still believe that ANYTHING is fixable as long as both partners have a desire to do it. However, my WAW never had that or couldn't turn away from her EA/PA to face things for the sake of our M and family.
That said, as chronicled above, she rented her own place in April, moved out part-time right away and then nearly-full time in mid-June. I got reports of her being seen with OM and I filed for D on 7/2. Had her served 7/22.
It's been 3 months since she has been out of the house nearly full time. I say nearly because she comes back here to stay when I travel "because the kids like it here". I was angry abotu this, but my L said she can even move back in and I just need to get the D finalized.
Other than that, its been the best 3 months I have had in many years. What a relief. I mentioned earlier that I met someone in late june, and we are still seeing each other and its looking very promising for us. I didn't want to get serious with someone right away but we really enjoy each other's company and she is very sympathetic to my situation since she went through a D 5 years ago. She is very aware of what WAW and my kids are going through right now.
WAW hasn't tried to bring OM around my kids, and I haven't brought my OW around them either yet. I don't think WAW would bring OM around them for a looooong time because once she is 'publicly' with the guy it will prove all the things she has denied for so long (no EA/PA, blah blah ). I think he is probably happy not being publicly with her either since everyone in town has heard they were having an A. I think their strategy is to let a lot of time go by so that everyone forgets about all that, but it won't happen. Who knows, maybe she will meet someone else because he will never be willing to step up to the plate with her. Therefore, I imagine I will be bring OW around my kids sooner but not yet.
WAW has shown signs of regret and panic over loss of control over the past few months, as predicted. At times it seemed like a complete reversal of roles, with her contacting me/texting me incessantly about just about everything - kids, house, etc etc. Most of the time I don't reply unless it is something about the kids. She hasn't tried to R, however. Even if she wanted to she would be too proud I think to admit this. She has even gone as far as suggesting that we still do holidays together, etc. I couldn't believe it.
I have found there are not a lot of good men out there and most of you who have steadfastly tried to save your M will have no trouble finding someone else if that is what you are looking for. I wasn't looking for it aggressively but it looks like I did find it and feel like she is truly a gift brought into my life right when I was ready to receive it.
We still haven't negotiate final agreement. I am now interested in just selling our house and starting over somewhere else, but the kids are attached to the place (which means she is as well in a way).
I feel like I have been through Hell, but am now on the march out and can see a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
You WILL be better off regardless of the outcome of your M - believe it. I am a better partner than I could have ever been before now that I have gone through this traumatic experience. OW and I talk about this a lot because she went through a D as well and is the same. Now i am helping my kids through it and sorting out the financial damage.
ME/XW:47 S21, D19, S15, S14 M:21 T:26 W moved 6/10 I filed 7/10 D final 4/12 remarried 8/12 W wants to R 12/10 and 4/11 but I decline
Glad to see an update Trying - you fell off the face of the earth for a while!
Good to hear that you are doing well. I can see my own situation playing out like yours, as I totally see my wife panicking when she gets the paperwork, but being too proud to make any effort to save the marriage.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
