Regarding the Backstreet Boys comment: She spoke in a huffy, disrespectful tone and I calmly replied with my quote with a little intention of making a joke about it -- i.e. "What else do they have going on these days?"
I try always to suggest fun things to do with the kids and stay active. I want to take my kids everywhere, and I try to make it fun for everyone. I will say it's a "challenge" at times to always be Tigger. I am by no means Eeyore and moping around with a defeatist attitude, but sometimes Tigger has dirt kicked in his face no matter how chipper he is.
My personal T viewed it this way (I would love your reaction): She said that a while back my W was all about getting out of the M and that's all she wanted and there was nothing else to think about. It was all about ending the M. Now she's seen me for a longer period of time as a more positive, fun and dedicated H and F. She also sees how attached the children are to me and how much I am to them. She went almost a week of being generally positive and then the darkness crept in this weekend. My T believe she is frustrated because she is even more confused. It seemed easy a few weeks/months ago, and now it's not. She has been talking and talking about S, telling other therapists that she doesn't want to work on the M, texting me to ask to have an "important" conversation at night, and yet there is still no action.
She may see how much I am needed (or maybe it's better to say "useful") around the house and perhaps that is something she's wrestling with.
I am going to try to acknowledge any kind gesture she makes from now on with little comments showing I appreciate and acknowledge what she did (if anything). Nothing to heavy, but enough for her to know my eyes and ears are open. I have been focused on detachment and letting her feel like I have moved on emotionally and always going about my own business, but perhaps it's better to make little comments when something positive takes place.
Now she's seen me for a longer period of time as a more positive, fun and dedicated H and F. She also sees how attached the children are to me and how much I am to them. She went almost a week of being generally positive and then the darkness crept in this weekend. My T believe she is frustrated because she is even more confused. It seemed easy a few weeks/months ago, and now it's not. She has been talking and talking about S, telling other therapists that she doesn't want to work on the M, texting me to ask to have an "important" conversation at night, and yet there is still no action.
I agree with that. So make sure you don't give your wife ammo to validate her negative feelings.
If you get dirt kicked in your face then bring it up. Call out behavior that is disrespectful and handle in a mature way.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
It's been several weeks since I have posted, largely due to my DB coach who, believe it or not, recommended that I stay off the boards for awhile.
There hasn't been much of anything going on lately. We are in a rut and my W is most often distant and cold with me. In many ways she still depends on me around the house, and if she asks for a favor the tone of her voice is usually MUCH friendlier.
She takes our two kids to her sister's house every day around 3pm where they hang out with her two twin girls. The kids have fun running around, and I always get a txt message letting me know where they are. So, on my way home from work I go directly to my SIL's house to see my kids. We stay for about an hour or two and then go home.
When we are there my W is usually pretty good with me and acts a little "wifey." Everyone knows our sitch so there's nothing to hide. Last night, for instance, they invited us to stay for dinner and my W turned to me and asked if I wanted to stay, and left the call up to me.
I have remained extremely consistent over the past 5 months, and I remain dedicated, caring, attentive and friendly. But I more often than not feel like my W is "gone." The relations are friendly and that's all.
My kids have become very attached to me and they get very excited when I arrive. She is aware of all I do, but I feel like she just won't give an inch.
My W's personal therapist called my therapist and left a message asking how I was doing. I know she didn't call to pass the time, so I signed a release form and permitted my therapist to talk to her.
If I am going to think the worst (I am good at that), I assume she is calling to see if I have come to terms yet with my W's feelings and desire to S. I was advised by my DB coach to avoid all talks about the R since there is nothing good to talk about and let my actions speak for me. Sad thing is that my actions I fear are falling on deaf ears.
My sister sent our C a birthday invite for her son who is turning 3. It's a Toy Story-themed party on the beach. My W has avoided contact with my family since dropping the bomb. But she opened the invite on her own and told me about it, adding how excited the boys were to see Buzz Lightyear on the invite. I started to think she might actually come to the party. The party is this Sunday. Our 8th wedding A is on the 20th.
If she doesn't come I may point out to her that by avoided events with my F we are not providing consistency for the kids. I come to her events and she avoids mine. The kids will wonder why M doesn't come. If she comes I will consider it very significant since she hasn't come in contact with my F in 5 months. I'd say it's 70-30 she doesn't come. I don't know why she would allow me to chase two 2 years olds around all day and not be there for them.
On the out of character front, I got a haircut and highlighted what's left of my hair. It took her 3 days to notice. We went swimming with the kids and after we got out she said, "Why is your hair red?" Not, it looks good or anything like that. Just, "What did you do?" I like it.
I am just so nearing the end of my rope. I told my T that I have such amazing clarity on what's important in my life now that this happened. I told my T my priorities. They are still my wife, my kids and my family. That will never change.
My W said, "You have that party this weekend. What is your plan?" I replied with "Oh, you mean you're not going to come?" Then I got the long pause, the look of I-am-trying-to-keep-my-frustration-inside, the long blink and then the soft, "No." I then said, "You don't want to help me?" which only got me more of the same.
I said, "OK, well, yes, I am going to take both of the kids, and the party is on Sunday."
I immediately went back to sounding unaffected, postive and playful with the kids, as if her decision not to go had no bearing on me whatsoever.
What she is doing is not fair to our C. I have to struggle when I am alone with the kids at one of my family functions, yet I am always with her and the kids at her family functions. I don't really let on how hard it is chasing two 2 year olds around without mom's help, but it isn't always easy, and the kids have to wonder why mom isn't with them. They are 27 months old and they are getting very smart and perceptive.
But I really viewed her response to this as being very telling. She is still rooted in anger and frustration even though I have been doing everything in my power to be everything I wasn't in the past in her eyes. My hopes have taken a major hit and it just seems that no matter what I do or how hard I try she just won't let go of the past. That's the part that angers me.
It doesn't mean I will change my behavior -- I will get over this on my own and remain the same person I have been. But I have to release this frustration somehow. It's a sinking feeling.
A old girlfriend of mine told me that she and her husband are getting a divorce. I was comparing notes with her and asked if her H changed his ways and turned over a new leaf would it do anything? She said, "No. I have given him 5-6 chances and he would change for 1-2 weeks and then go back to being the same person again."
I haven't had ONE chance. I got blindsided 5 months ago and have never been given a second chance. That's the part that kills me. I never cheated, drank, abused, nothing...
My W said, "You have that party this weekend. What is your plan?" I replied with "Oh, you mean you're not going to come?" Then I got the long pause, the look of I-am-trying-to-keep-my-frustration-inside, the long blink and then the soft, "No." I then said, "You don't want to help me?" which only got me more of the same
Do you see how she reacted to you when you looked needy and weak? She asked you what is your plan. She wants to know you are on top of things and in control. Look at your response. A strong confident man doesn't need his wifes help to go a party with his kids. You failed the test.
"I got the gift wrapped, beach supplies ready and we are heading out the door at ____________."
Quote:
I immediately went back to sounding unaffected, postive and playful with the kids, as if her decision not to go had no bearing on me whatsoever.
She saw right thru you. Find your mojo.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach...thanks for the ass-kicking. You are spot on. I keep trying to pull her in and I should just assume she's not.
My DB coach suggested what I said. Assume she is going to be at the 3 year old's party with her kids and then be a little surprised if she says she's not going. I was expecting something I guess. Something positive.
My W always wants to hear a plan. It comforts her. She wants to know that I have thought about the things she worries about.
My W always wants to hear a plan. It comforts her. She wants to know that I have thought about the things she worries about.
She wants to feel safe with you. This is attractive to women.
So fill your wife in on what you are thinking about - work, family, news, hobbies, etc. MWD see-saw here - she worries because she doesn't know that your are thinking about your family issues. Let her in (intomesee). Women don't view it as a weakness when you share your doubts (opposite of men). Don't be her BFF but her partner.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I am going to take your advice, but the pessimist in me believes her wanting to feel safe and know that I am taking care of the small and important details is just for herself and her own peace of mind. Feeling any attraction or safe is probably much further down the list.
When my W dropped the bomb on me there were two statements she made that stuck with me:
1- "I want someone who puts me first!"
I have done this CONSISTENTLY for 5 months. I have dedicated myself to our kids, her needs and whatever I could do to ease the burden of raising twins.
2- "It is not in you to change!"
I have proven that it IS in me to change, and I have. And I know she has noticed it because when a T asked her if she noticed she admitted that she had. I basically take care of the cat, I am devoted to my kids, I have reordered my priorities and focus only on my family.
her wanting to feel safe and know that I am taking care of the small and important details is just for herself and her own peace of mind
that's your job. you can be replaced. when she feels safe and knows you are TCBing then she is attracted to you. it's just how it works.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I get the mood swings from my ex all the time. She says she wants to work it out but she won't hardly talk to me. On the phone is just a few minutes and she has to go. When she texts it is just a few words like I messed up, or I am sorry. But she will not take the time to talk to me. She lives 600 miles away so seeing her in person doesn't happen. It really seems like she doesn't want to work on things-just keep me hanging around in case I am needed. There is om that she says she doesn't want him to know that she is talking to me because she doesn't want to fight with him. But I am not calling or texting her. i only text her back and that is because she said she wanted to move back in by this weekend. She has no way of getting here.
