So that what your dad told you can be filtered through the "is that really who I am " filter, and...is that you? are you a whore? or does dad have some issue he is projecting??
this is going to start drawing stuff out of me and my past.
my father was very controlling - learned by his mother. by calling me a whore for going out, it was his way of keeping me at home so i don't go out and become a 'bad' kid. even during my late 20s.
he had this illusion that he was paying for all the bills when really my siblings and i (mostly me) were. my siblings married off. and i was at home with my youngest sister. i was the smart kid so i made a really good living. at times, i felt like i was the family cash cow. that my value was placed on my ability to generate income for the family - although i was never really allowed to spend it on stuff i wanted (like hobbies - i love photography). i never fought back. i just didn't buy anything. it built up this resentment.
sometimes i felt that way in my m as well. that people liked me because i was an income generator. at one point, my h didn't have enough saved to make a contribution to his retirement fund. he knew i had the money and asked me to borrow it. i stood my ground and said "you had an entire year to save for this. you knew it was coming. there is no excuse to not have it, especially when you pull in a decent salary. you chose to spend your money on nice-to-haves when you should have been putting money away for this. i can't lend this money to you. i am sorry." him asking me for money angered me because i went without in order to save for my retirement contribution. my money also went towards paying the utilities. i also keep a healthy savings account for emergency purposes. with my h's spending habits, i knew he wouldn't be the one who saved for this. his emergency fund was his mom and dad so he never had to save for such things. surprisingly, he didn't go to mom and dad for his retirement contribution. he made his contribution with his line of credit. he then turned to me and said "since you had the money and didn't lend it to me, i had to use my line of credit to make the contribution. i think you should be paying for the interest on my line of credit."
coach, i know you keep saying how i can't let this go but this may explain why i keep harping on the money label i was given.
all my life i felt like my sole purpose was to be a cash cow. i didn't matter. my paycheck was the only thing that did. as long as i was pulling in good money, i was of value. i was guilted into never buying things for me because everyone else had more important financial needs. i continued to support my family financially after i got married. and when i finally told my sister (who is still living at home) that i can no longer afford to support them financially, she got angry at me.
and that's why the label hurts so much. it's like the whore comment. it has left a lasting scar. people have benefitted financially from me for years. as soon as they stop receiving the benefits, i'm suddenly worthless and lower than the gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe.
