WAH and LBW separated and dark

[DumpedforMIL]

So that what your dad told you can be filtered through the "is that really who I am " filter, and...is that you? are you a whore? or does dad have some issue he is projecting??

this is going to start drawing stuff out of me and my past.

my father was very controlling - learned by his mother.
by calling me a whore for going out, it was his way of keeping me at home so i don't go out and become a 'bad' kid. even during my late 20s.

he had this illusion that he was paying for all the bills when really my siblings and i (mostly me) were. my siblings married off. and i was at home with my youngest sister. i was the smart kid so i made a really good living. at times, i felt like i was the family cash cow. that my value was placed on my ability to generate income for the family - although i was never really allowed to spend it on stuff i wanted (like hobbies - i love photography). i never fought back. i just didn't buy anything. it built up this resentment.

sometimes i felt that way in my m as well.
that people liked me because i was an income generator.
at one point, my h didn't have enough saved to make a contribution to his retirement fund.
he knew i had the money and asked me to borrow it.
i stood my ground and said "you had an entire year to save for this. you knew it was coming. there is no excuse to not have it, especially when you pull in a decent salary. you chose to spend your money on nice-to-haves when you should have been putting money away for this. i can't lend this money to you. i am sorry."
him asking me for money angered me because i went without in order to save for my retirement contribution. my money also went towards paying the utilities. i also keep a healthy savings account for emergency purposes. with my h's spending habits, i knew he wouldn't be the one who saved for this. his emergency fund was his mom and dad so he never had to save for such things.
surprisingly, he didn't go to mom and dad for his retirement contribution. he made his contribution with his line of credit.
he then turned to me and said "since you had the money and didn't lend it to me, i had to use my line of credit to make the contribution. i think you should be paying for the interest on my line of credit."

coach, i know you keep saying how i can't let this go but this may explain why i keep harping on the money label i was given.

all my life i felt like my sole purpose was to be a cash cow.
i didn't matter. my paycheck was the only thing that did.
as long as i was pulling in good money, i was of value.
i was guilted into never buying things for me because everyone else had more important financial needs.
i continued to support my family financially after i got married.
and when i finally told my sister (who is still living at home) that i can no longer afford to support them financially, she got angry at me.

and that's why the label hurts so much.
it's like the whore comment. it has left a lasting scar.
people have benefitted financially from me for years.
as soon as they stop receiving the benefits, i'm suddenly worthless and lower than the gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe.

[Coach]

and that's why the label hurts so much.
it's like the whore comment. it has left a lasting scar.
people have benefitted financially from me for years.

I understand this. The people you tried the most to please and wanted the love and acceptance of hurt you with their words. The passive-aggressive behavior is a coping mechanism to deal with this hurt. You control by not doing. It's a form of anger. Understand it to find a solution.

i'm suddenly worthless and lower than the gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe.

Kill this snake. This is you saying this to yourself.

This is going to sound hokey but try it. Go home and look yourself in the mirror and say out loud while putting your hand on your heart, "You are special 'Dumpling' and I love you."

Don't tell anybody but I came up with this to help myself get thru some dark days. Time for you to decide who "Dumpling" really is. Greek came up with "Dumpling" BTW. Take care of yourself.

[DumpedforMIL]

the worst feeling for me ..
is knowing that i worked so hard to be financially independent.
to support others.
and with the money issues raised in this d, h is trying to loot the bank before he takes off for good. and i have to fight for what i worked for.
it really hurts.
is that all that people want from me? money?
people cannot see beyond the dollar signs?
it's difficult not to let these things define you when that's the message that people surrounding me have been sending me.

when we would visit my ILs, i often paid for dinner.
when my ILs would visit us, i also paid for dinner.
it was very rare that i didn't pay for dinner. even when i was out with my h.
and it seemed as if this had become expected of me.

Don't tell anybody but I came up with this to help myself get thru some dark days. Time for you to decide who "Dumpling" really is. Greek came up with "Dumpling" BTW. Take care of yourself.

dumpling, huh? i'll try to say it with a straight face.
this mini bomb isn't a true dark day. i know there are more ahead.

this doesn't stop me from giving financially to good causes.
just because i may be a bit guarded, it doesn't stop me from giving.
i'll bring in extra food and share with those who may be going through a rough time.
i still mentor those who want career advice.
i know that this is who i am. i give in different ways. the selfish part of me? i feel good. i feel valued and it has nothing to do with what i make.

i love giving to children. they are so innocent. they love you for you because they have no concept of money yet. you can feel that the love is genuine.

[Coach]

and with the money issues raised in this d, h is trying to loot the bank before he takes off for good. and i have to fight for what i worked for.
it really hurts.

Do you understand why it hurts you? Do you see the connection you have with giving money and love? You did with your family and his. If I just give enough money maybe then they will love me.

is that all that people want from me? money?

Nope. But you believe that to be true. it's a dysfunctional belief, lose it.

i love giving to children. they are so innocent. they love you for you because they have no concept of money yet. you can feel that the love is genuine.

Examine that. try giving them a foreign currency and see how much they love you for it. kids know what it takes to get the ice cream outta the truck.

[DumpedforMIL]

Do you understand why it hurts you? Do you see the connection you have with giving money and love? You did with your family and his. If I just give enough money maybe then they will love me.

i see the connection with giving money and love.
i remember my older sister once said "mom, people don't like us because we don't have any money." and that stuck with me from childhood to adulthood. that's where the mentality comes from.
how do you undo something like this if i want to work on this part of me?

it also taught me that excluding someone for something they cannot control, is hurtful. and you never want to make someone feel that way.

Examine that. try giving them a foreign currency and see how much they love you for it. kids know what it takes to get the ice cream outta the truck.

i could sure use an ice cream right now. it's hot out east.

[Greek]

how do you undo something like this if i want to work on this part of me?

Do you still believe Santa brought you the gifts at Christmas when you were a child? Why not? Because experience has taught you the truth of the matter.

"mom, people don't like us because we don't have any money." and that stuck with me from childhood to adulthood. that's where the mentality comes from.

Same here.

Greek

[Coach]

how do you undo something like this if i want to work on this part of me?

Simple. It's not reality. You are still looking at the world like you are that little girl living at home. It wasn't your job to take care of your family financially. Your father tried to control you and keep you at home, his fear caused him to behave poorly. My parents filled my head with all kinds of dysfunctional beliefs. Challenge some of your beliefs, do they fit in with your values, are they always/never type comments, does your family have unwritten rules/conditions?




Anybody here equate your worth with you giving money?

Dispute those beliefs.



You are your own gift to this world. You will find happiness when you realise it's OK just to be you. Nobody else is as qualified as you to have that job. Handle it.

You are starting to do the work, you have to do some digging and let out those hurts. It wasn't your fault your Dad called you those things. I know how his words hurt but you didn't deserve to be treated that way. It's neccessary for you to believe you are lovable just being you. You can handle it.

Cheers

[Dudess]

i remember my older sister once said "mom, people don't like us because we don't have any money." and that stuck with me from childhood to adulthood. that's where the mentality comes from.
how do you undo something like this if i want to work on this part of me?

Your sister's perception may, or may not, be accurate. If there were some people who didn't like you because your family didn't have money . . . well, those are people you can do without anyway, because their value system is pretty screwed up. Even if you have money, it's good to avoid people who 'like' you for that reason.

it also taught me that excluding someone for something they cannot control, is hurtful. and you never want to make someone feel that way.

Great. You learned an important truth from a painful experience and decided that you won't treat people that way.

[Greek]

Anybody here equate your worth with you giving money?

Well...we are charging by the letter.

Greek

[DumpedforMIL]

You are starting to do the work, you have to do some digging and let out those hurts. It wasn't your fault your Dad called you those things. I know how his words hurt but you didn't deserve to be treated that way. It's neccessary for you to believe you are lovable just being you. You can handle it.

it's unfortunate that my h/first love said some pretty hurtful things to me as well. people always remember their first love but i hope this doesn't stick with me for the rest of my life.

coach, greek: i wish i could tell you why this week's events happened the way it did. when i panic like that, it's because my intel tells me something is up and i go on high alert. it's not mind reading or snakes on a brain. i have reason to believe that there is another bomb coming.
apparently my l launched a grenade in his direction. the contents of the grenade require him to confront his fears. since h has acted on his emotions all this time, this will definitely trigger a huge emotional response from him - which means papers will be served to me. so i'm telling you now, the papers are coming.

dumped