So my biggest problem in the whole process of the WAW has been Patience and Disconecting. I think I have finally disconnected and that has brought the patience. However, since I have detached, I do not feel much at all for wife. In fact I feel very little for her now. I resent her so much for this whole thing. The more I look into and search my feelings, the more I find that she put very little into this relationship to begin with. So for her to be upset with me is really killing me. I did not do very much. I will lay claim to the things I did, but our problems are very petty. She just makes them out to be more than they are. I really would like a chance to go to a MC to see if there is somethnig more that I do not see and she is not telling. But at this point I am starting to feel like I could do better. However, if she would grow up a bit and act her age and actually contribute to the relationship, then it could work. See the dileema?
Tonight she is going to a concert with a friend. She bought the tickets secretly a month ago. I found the bank statement from her other checking account and saw the purchase. Confronted her and she said that she was going to tell me about it. I asked when as it was less than a week from the concert and what is she goign to do with our S. Naturally, the answer was that she would figure somethnig out. Well, tonight is the concert and she decided to leave S with MIL overnight. I told her it is not right to make decisions regarding S without asking me. Have some respect. She said OK, but plans stay in tact. Times like these, I do not care what she does as long as she is away.
So the question of the day. Will she grow up before it is too late? Can she? Since her sister and mother are self-centered children with children, I am thinking no. But she was not always like this. But maybe she is becoming more like her mother as she is getting older. Any thoughts out there?
You ask questions that are not answerable. What is wrong with MIL keeping the kid over night? Why is that such an issue? Is MIL uncapable of taking care of son? I think it is such a non-issue. People change.She migt be changing because you had love googles on before and after detachment you are just now noticing how she really acts. I am not sure.
However, since I have detached, I do not feel much at all for wife.
That whole post was about your wife and how she makes you feel. Go back and read it again. You the victim here or are you a leader?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I will lay claim to the things I did, but our problems are very petty. She just makes them out to be more than they are.?
Hi SSM, I am so sad to hear you say something like that. Please, I'm not trying to minimize your pain. I just ask you to consider that there may be legitmate concerns she may have, that she is not able to voice yet. And it may take her a long time to be able to. My H too, would say to me that our problems were petty; that I was making more out of things than there really were. The effect is to wear away at a woman's self-esteem and self-trust - they begin to even question their own judgement, knowing that their H does to such an extent. Maybe that's why it's so hard for her to speak up - I know it was in my situation. It took me a long time (and am still working at it) before I could even understand myself what the real issues were and feel they were valid, let alone have the courage to approach my H with it.
Again, I am sorry if this is coming across as confrontational - like I said I sure don't mean to minimize your pain. Your comment just struck me as familiar and thought I'd share in case it helped.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
You ask questions that are not answerable. What is wrong with MIL keeping the kid over night? Why is that such an issue? Is MIL uncapable of taking care of son? I think it is such a non-issue.
She is capable of watching S. I do not like the way she treats him or the way she raised her two children. What bothered me about the whole thing was that I was never asked about the whole situation. Like my opinion did not matter or that I could not handle my S without W. This was the most convinient thing FOR HER to do. What if I had something planned?
Originally Posted By: par4me
People change.She migt be changing because you had love googles on before and after detachment you are just now noticing how she really acts. I am not sure.
I am not sure either. I was hoping you guys would know somethnig. I also am getting interference from my family who has been hurt over the whole thing and I am trying to weed out the useful comments from the ones that are just there to lash out at her becasue she hurt them. This whole thing has gotten very difficult and I am trying to decide what I want out of the whole mess.
I will lay claim to the things I did, but our problems are very petty. She just makes them out to be more than they are.?
Hi SSM, I am so sad to hear you say something like that. Please, I'm not trying to minimize your pain. I just ask you to consider that there may be legitmate concerns she may have, that she is not able to voice yet. And it may take her a long time to be able to. My H too, would say to me that our problems were petty; that I was making more out of things than there really were. The effect is to wear away at a woman's self-esteem and self-trust - they begin to even question their own judgement, knowing that their H does to such an extent. Maybe that's why it's so hard for her to speak up - I know it was in my situation. It took me a long time (and am still working at it) before I could even understand myself what the real issues were and feel they were valid, let alone have the courage to approach my H with it.
Again, I am sorry if this is coming across as confrontational - like I said I sure don't mean to minimize your pain. Your comment just struck me as familiar and thought I'd share in case it helped.
I understand where you are coming from. I guess I should be more clear. First of all, I do not think I have ever minimized to her face her questions or concerns. If I did I know I ddi not mean to. I am sure over the years I have done it, and I know that her family has done it so I could see where she would be afraid to voice her opinion. I hope that she can come to me some day and tell me what is bothering her and how she truly feels, at least I will know more of how she feels. I wish I could say that I would help her work through it, but from what I learned on this site and in the book, she has to learn just like I did. Nobody can do it for you. When we went to a MC before the bomb, all she talked about was who did dishes, trash and stuff. Even the counselor said, "Why are you guys here?". We did not fight about our S or money or anythnig, we never did. But as far as I know it is not a problem. Everythnig is going pretty good, but if she does not tell me that there is a problem, how do I know? This has been an issue our entire relationship If she is upset about somethnig, she bottles it up inside and stews until she manages to make another brick in the wall between us. I would love to hear, I do mean truly hear and understand how she feels, so how can we get there? That really is all I ever wanted. I do not want her to be a cabose to me. I want her to be her, whatever that may be to her. I do not know if that makes any sense, but in my head it does.
Count how many times you use she and her. The post starts with how detached you are then you go on to talk about what she is doing to you and how she spends her time and money.
What are you doing?
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Ghandi
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Count how many times you use she and her. The post starts with how detached you are then you go on to talk about what she is doing to you and how she spends her time and money.
What are you doing?
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world." - Ghandi
I see what you mean. I was just bothered by the whole secretive nature of the whole thing with W. I just have been very non-trusting of her and this is one of the reasons why. Very secretive things and then staying overnight at the friends house.
I have been doing more things for myself. Last weekend I went out with friends, started playing soccer again this spring, and trying to go out more often but most of my friends are married with children and are home bodies, difficult to do that. I am trynig to get to the gym more, but I have been dealing with some issues that keep me from doing that consistently, but I am worknig on it with the doctor. I definately am doing more stuff with S, that makes me most happy. I bought fishing poles for him and I and plan on going very soon. I want to work on my car that I have been restoring, but that was a subject of concern with W. She felt like any time I would work on the car that I was not paying attention to her. So if I do intend to fix things, I really did not want to send the message that I was not listning to her before. Not sure what to do with that one.
