I will lay claim to the things I did, but our problems are very petty. She just makes them out to be more than they are.?
Hi SSM, I am so sad to hear you say something like that. Please, I'm not trying to minimize your pain. I just ask you to consider that there may be legitmate concerns she may have, that she is not able to voice yet. And it may take her a long time to be able to. My H too, would say to me that our problems were petty; that I was making more out of things than there really were. The effect is to wear away at a woman's self-esteem and self-trust - they begin to even question their own judgement, knowing that their H does to such an extent. Maybe that's why it's so hard for her to speak up - I know it was in my situation. It took me a long time (and am still working at it) before I could even understand myself what the real issues were and feel they were valid, let alone have the courage to approach my H with it.
Again, I am sorry if this is coming across as confrontational - like I said I sure don't mean to minimize your pain. Your comment just struck me as familiar and thought I'd share in case it helped.
I understand where you are coming from. I guess I should be more clear. First of all, I do not think I have ever minimized to her face her questions or concerns. If I did I know I ddi not mean to. I am sure over the years I have done it, and I know that her family has done it so I could see where she would be afraid to voice her opinion. I hope that she can come to me some day and tell me what is bothering her and how she truly feels, at least I will know more of how she feels. I wish I could say that I would help her work through it, but from what I learned on this site and in the book, she has to learn just like I did. Nobody can do it for you. When we went to a MC before the bomb, all she talked about was who did dishes, trash and stuff. Even the counselor said, "Why are you guys here?". We did not fight about our S or money or anythnig, we never did. But as far as I know it is not a problem. Everythnig is going pretty good, but if she does not tell me that there is a problem, how do I know? This has been an issue our entire relationship If she is upset about somethnig, she bottles it up inside and stews until she manages to make another brick in the wall between us. I would love to hear, I do mean truly hear and understand how she feels, so how can we get there? That really is all I ever wanted. I do not want her to be a cabose to me. I want her to be her, whatever that may be to her. I do not know if that makes any sense, but in my head it does.
