I didn't find a good way of letting go of anger, at least not in some deliberate, reasonably quick way. What helped me was:
1. Do at least one complete 180. I took about three weeks off from trying to initiate sex or anything that might seem sexual. This is agonizing, less because of the lack of sex (think of it this way: what you're describing is completely unsatisfying sexually anyway, so giving it up may be surprisingly easy) but because of the fear that she'll settle in happily and enjoy the lack of "pressure" to have sex, but nothing else will change, and then she'll expect you to be nonsexual forever. That was not my experience, though. My experience was that eventually the stress of doing this 180 without telling her about it broke me down, I told her what was going on (because I was not strong enough to do it without showing her that something was wrong, and then it wasn't fair to keep her in the dark.) We decided to continue, and eventually we got everything else going.
2. Give it time. Anger will go away on its own as you begin to fix your life. The things you're angry about may get fixed, or you may come to accept the ones that can't be fixed. Either way, you'll have a lot less tension and anger to deal with, and that will give you energy to do even more. It will build on itself, but not right away. It will take time. Even now, if I go back and read about some of the things that made me so angry then, I can feel the tension return and the anger come back.
3. Venting here helps; just be clear on the difference between when you're venting and when you're asking for advice.
4. I think if I'd read Schnarch earlier in my process, I'd have done better. Scharch discusses the importance of "self-soothing" and how hard it is for someone who's looking for validation from someone else (like a husband who places his wife's arms around him to feel like he's desirable--and I'm not picking on you, brother, I've been right there with you) to do it. I sort of stumbled through trial and error, and when I read the Schnarch chapter on self-soothing, it clicked with me. I had done what he's talking about only a couple of days before, and later reflected that it had really been great to be able to take that anger and fear and deal with it (not put it aside, but work it out and be done with it) so my evening with my wife could go back to fun and romance. Reading Schnarch's book gave me a name for what I had done and reinforced its importance--and the fact that a lack of the ability to soothe yourself when necessary ties your hopes for happiness to someone else's willingness to soothe you. It's no way to live.
Out of all that, the hardest is to work at the 180s, work at getting a life, and GIVE IT TIME. You will want a quick fix. There is not one. After three weeks, I was asking how much longer this would go on; it turns out that three weeks was very fast progress and I shouldn't have been complaining. Good luck. Don't give up.
