He has stopped sleeping here and I am experiencing far more peace and fewer panic attacks. I have cut communication to a minimum - only text and email and keeping it very breif and business like, as well as not responding immediately.
I'm SO glad you're less anxious. This is huge progress for you in your sitch! Anything to decrease stress is awesome.
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And what does H do? He's been calmer and nicer. I am trying to stop all my thoughts that try to guess what I'm doing to cause a shift in him. My old pattern is to say , hey, he's getting the message, this DB is working, there's hope he'll reconsile.
I'm fighting that urge. I was duped big time a number of times over the past year when H seemed to be coming closer and then found out he had no plans to be with me ever again, and the anger and abuse returned.
So I'm trying to hold my ground - hey, he could be in a good mood because he asked OW to marry him for all I know. So I'm writing this to remind myself and ask you all to keep me focussed on me and my son and standing up for us.
I think this is really healthy for you as part of detaching. All of us do that second-guessing and I haven't heard it help one of us - including me!- yet. Who knows why they do what they do. But it's interesting, you seem to have the same inclination I do: to believe that whatever they do, we either provoked it, somehow influenced it, or they're reacting to us. I guess they may be, but since their "reaction" wouldn't always be rational anyway, we need to try to disconnect what we do with what they do b/c that false sense of control- that we're causing them to do stuff- is just that, false.
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If we are to ever reconsile, I need to hold my boundaries much more firm this time. He has to really try, really express over a long period that he's sure he wants this, admit his part, leave OW for good. Despite myself, I must hold firm to these boundaries in my mind. And, he needs to continue to communicate in a calm and nice way. I can't allow myself to be pacified once again by a week of decent behavior. That bar is too low.
I agree, it's too low, and you deserve much more, Hope. I'm glad to see your inner strength coming through. Keep us posted, ok?
((((Hope))))
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
