You are correct -- two very distinct approaches. If you're doing the "setting them free" thing, you wouldn't do this, and you'd most likely start to even date other women.
I think exposure is the right thing to do for my own self-respect. In addition, it's important to me that certain people understand what is happening.
So, his parents; her aunt; and their place of work get exposure from me. i.e. You should know that your son (and other S and DIL) will be responsible for blowing up my marriage and the effects on our D; work gets -prepare for potential moral and/or harassment issues. They are blowing up my marriage and when (not if) the A implodes, you need to C your A; her aunt- an explanation that though I'm 50% responsible for the deterioration, the reason it died is the A. She has lied for months to me so I want you to know the truth cause she'll lie to you, too. If she doesn't bring D around enough, let me know and I will.
One exposure. And I'm done trying to save anything. The Great Race is over. She lost.
I think exposure is the right thing to do for my own self-respect. In addition, it's important to me that certain people understand what is happening.
Then stay the course. This is no time for self-doubt, or foggy hindsight. You need to be well-steeled against the wrath that still may come, and against other consequences as well (what if aunt is NOT supportive, as you think she will be? Read QuickSilver's sitch for examples).
It's all trouble, CD. It ALL sucks. My mentor thru my sitch wrote me something very early on, and it served me well to realize it:
"Puppy, life just handed you a great big sh*t sandwich. There's no other way to look at it. It's a sh*tstorm, and you can either steel yourself and plow your way straight THRU it, but you can't go around it, and you can't run away from it. And here's the thing: it's going to be there, and it will deal with YOU, whether or not you choose to deal with IT, so you might as well be the one to set the agenda."
He told me there were no guarantees.
And he also reminded me that I was the only one at that current time (or at least, the only ADULT) that had my marriage's and even my family's best interests at heart. My wife certainly didn't! And so he told me:
"Your family needs a hero right now, and guess what -- it gets to be YOU, because it's certainly not (my wife's first name) right now."
He was absolutely right.
People (not necessarily you, CD) come on these forums looking for guarantees, for magic solutions, and we all debate the "Gucci/Robx approach," or the "Dobson approach," or "Puppy's hybrid approach," or "Coach/Greek approach" or the pathetic "While They Wait" thing or whatever.
But the truth is, the BEST thing you can really find is "the less-sucky approach," and one that will maybe have the best chance of success, but it's largely still up to the wayward spouse. IOW, all you can do is maximize your chances for success, and/or -- and this is important! -- go with the approach that works best for YOU, and rings authentic to you and your own values.
DBing is like business: success comes to those who err on the side of DOING SOMETHING, and keep on plugging, and don't become so paralyzed with fear -- or so analytical -- that they don't do ANYTHING.
It's all trouble, CD. It ALL sucks. My mentor thru my sitch wrote me something very early on, and it served me well to realize it:
"Puppy, life just handed you a great big sh*t sandwich. There's no other way to look at it. It's a sh*tstorm, and you can either steel yourself and plow your way straight THRU it, but you can't go around it, and you can't run away from it. And here's the thing: it's going to be there, and it will deal with YOU, whether or not you choose to deal with IT, so you might as well be the one to set the agenda."
Great piece of advice. Likely one of the reasons for your success and popularity on this forum. I am NOT afraid anymore. I'm not concerned with her reactions. What comes, comes. But I'm going to be pro-active rather than reactive. And let the chips fall where they may. I know myself now. I found me again. I believe I have broken away from the co-dependency/make others happy regardless of the cost to me. SHE is toxic to me now. And I won't back down from my stance on this until I can see her pursuing. ANd, if it happens, then WE will have more work to do.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
He told me there were no guarantees.
I admit that like most I came here looking for the magic button. It doesn't exist. No problem. It's not about them or the M. It's about LBS.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
And he also reminded me that I was the only one at that current time (or at least, the only ADULT) that had my marriage's and even my family's best interests at heart. My wife certainly didn't! And so he told me:
"Your family needs a hero right now, and guess what -- it gets to be YOU, because it's certainly not (my wife's first name) right now."
And I am up for the challenge. It's been a few years since I set myself on a challenge (Guiness Book 2004) where I could NOT fail.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
People (not necessarily you, CD) come on these forums looking for guarantees, for magic solutions, and we all debate the "Gucci/Robx approach," or the "Dobson approach," or "Puppy's hybrid approach," or "Coach/Greek approach" or the pathetic "While They Wait" thing or whatever.
But the truth is, the BEST thing you can really find is "the less-sucky approach," and one that will maybe have the best chance of success, but it's largely still up to the wayward spouse. IOW, all you can do is maximize your chances for success, and/or -- and this is important! -- go with the approach that works best for YOU, and rings authentic to you and your own values.
Then I'll do what feels right to me. Expose them; and GAL with no concern of their reactions. They'll be reacting to the situation THEY put themselves in; just P'd I turned the light on so "the towns folk could see the Emperors New Clothes" I'm not going to turn a blind eye and let it go. I'd be an enabler like everyone else that suspects/knows.
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
DBing is like business: success comes to those who err on the side of DOING SOMETHING, and keep on plugging, and don't become so paralyzed with fear -- or so analytical -- that they don't do ANYTHING.
I've had two months to think and spent two months guessing and second guessing. I'm not waiting anymore. I'll DECIDE and DO. I let paralysis slip into my marriage and look where that got us. MWD teaches SBT. ANd that's all about DOING something once you know what the problem is.
I know the problem. I know and acknowledge how I contributed to this. I know the A is damaging my D's future I know I have the best suppot network in the world (my family and friends) I know I will come out of this better off than I was or am now. I know my W is not herself. BUT I AM! And it's GO TIME!!
I also just found THIS piece of gold you wrote, I'll keep it in my pocket.
"Look, I'm only going to say this ONCE. I simply decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair. These are just the consequences of what you decided to do, that's not on me, and I won't own it. This is your mess; you get to clean it up. The sad thing is that it's affected a lot of other innocent people, who we both love very much."
Callasdad: You sound like you are in a better place. I'm glad.
Me - Faithful wife H - WAH Bomb: Fall/2009 - PA/EA with OW for 1 year Both in our early 40's M - 16 years w/ no kids T - 21 years Separated since July of 2008 - H living with his mother
