he doesn't seem to be suffering one tiny bit. He seems to be having a pretty good time sneaking around with all of his girlfriends. he seems to be having a pretty good time saying mean and hateful little digs to me whenever he can get them in.
seems is the operative word here. It's been my experience in life that people who go around getting digs in and being mean, aren't really all that happy. That he seems to be having such a grand ol' time and the reality of it can be very different.
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And me..I'm not having a very good time. I don't even see that happening when I start to do things on my own and GAL.
If you think you can or think you can't...you're right. Start seeing yourself as having a great life and enjoying everything you do (or at least some of it )and you will. It may start slowly, but slow and steady etc.
I agree with Grace. People that spew mean things to others are usually very unhappy people.
You will find that the MLCer will wear a mask. This gives the impression of happiness which is what he wants you to believe. He may even think he's happy because he believes he's getting what he wants.
When the reality of it sets in and the mask slips you'll get a chance to view how your H really feels and it's not pretty.
What's most striking to me is my H's 'dead eyes'. There seems to be no spark left in them. Depression is taking its toll.
I hope you hear good news about the job. My prayers are with you.
Taylor - Bear with me - but last night as I was re-re-re-reading Love Must Be Tough (Dobson) there was a paragraph that I think addresses what you are feeling: The partner who is threatening to leave or chase another lover is rarely convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that he's doing the right thing. He's equipped with a God-given conscience, after all, that is hammering him with guilt. You can be quite certain of that. He may appear resolute and determined, but we must assume that a tug-of-war is going on inside. He feels terrible about hurting his kids, for one thing. Furthermore, a spark of love may exist for you as the woman of his youth, glowing somewhere beneath his cold exterior. While his manner is saying, "I don't care anymore," he may be engaged in these kinds of secret conversations in his mind: "Have I hurt the best friend I ever had? Maybe I should call off this whole affair. But I sure don't want my relationship with wife to go back to what it used to be. I do think I could love her again." Round and round go the pros and cons. Clearly, the LBS must not smother the leaving spouse. She should give it (the relationship) plenty of room to breathe, hoping it will grow into a small flame. That is accomplished by calling off the offensive. Freedom, you see, is the fuel of romantic fire!
I am trying to follow this advice - definitely not easy when all I want is to be in his arms and feel loved and feel secure. But I have to believe that this is the internal struggle HE is going through. So freedom it is:) But you see, that also gives me some freedom to tend to the things that I have neglected - myself, my weight, my friends, my ambitions, my kids, my home, ~ get my point:)
YOU can do this! You sound like a thinker - that's a good and bad mix! Don't tear yourself up with thoughts! What is YOUR narrow path to recovery through this?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
SA, I read that Dobson book too. Very good. There is a section about the angry woman in the end of it. When I read it I was crushed. Think it mentions MLC. After reading that section alone, I knew my journey was going to be rough. When you read something in a book like that and see your sitch to a "T", it grabs you tight and rips you apart. On the other hand, a calmness ensues knowing that there is a clearly defined diagnosis of what is happening. I am glad you mentioned the mask thing. It gets really strange when they hold the mask and put it on take it off at will. My wife could be a famous actor if she wanted to. Problem is, the depression is the motor. If the motor was gone, I don't think she could pull it off. (The famous actor part). I have seen info on tv and books that say that some of the best comedians had a horrible childhood. That ended up being the motor for their success. Rodney Dangerfield was one of them off the top of my head. He was real successful but his life even through his success was horrible. He ended up drinking, gambling etc.
Gritt; my H used to call and sing me happy birthday in his Frank Sinatra voice. he didn't do it this past year because he was too busy thinking about his OW cuz she was getting ready to move to another town (lucky me!). He didn't even get me a card or anything. I missed his Frank Sinatra song the most. It is always the highlight on my special day.
No, I didn't say that when I took my vows. Where do you get all these awesome quotes and poems?
So..today I think I'll go up to the street fair, get some groceries, jump on my bike for awhile and look for more jobs. I may even look for some jobs in my daughter's town..4 hours away. I need to be around my friends and family. I've been away too long. I didn't mind it when my H and I were a team, but now that we're not, it's no fun.
You say..why not make friends there? Cuz I don't even want to me here anymore..in the winter it's like being in fricken Antarctica. I don't have a 4 wheel drive so I'm gonna have a heck of a time getting to a job when he's gone all the time.
I'm a bit of a gloomy guss today aren't I? I need to stop that. It bummed me out when I stepped on the scale this morning and saw that I hadn't lost any..I have been working my a## off. I'm stopping it right now. Happy..that's me! I wish he wasn't coming home today..I just can't seem to stop tearing up all the time and i'm not even sure what it is that I'm so sad about..see here I go, tears sliding down my face just talking about it.
I'd better go before I have everyone all bummed out.
warrior..believe me when I tell you that I fully expect that he will say he's leaving when the 3 month thing is up..heck i'll bet he does it before then. I'll check out the thread you posted.
Just went out in the garage to smoke (I am going to quit) and saw our bikes sitting next to each other, like we should be. And I looked around at all the stuff and just don't know how i'm going to pack up all that stuff by myself. 20 years of stuff. When we've moved the previous times, his work paid for movers and packers so I didn't have to worry about it. But now it's all me..he'll just take his clothes and a few things for an apartment like he was going to do a couple of months ago. I'll get the rest to figure out. Baby steps..I'll just start packing it up a little at a time. Maybe sell the rest.
Taylor, I know this is rough. Remember it is just stuff. I have realized the same thing. My wife and I have everything. Beautiful home, plenty of space, beautiful kids, beautiful memories, beautiful photos, etc. I was thanking God every night with prayer before I would go to sleep for all the blessings we have. I still do pray that at night. Now my prayers are a little longer because of the journey. When my wife rewrites history which is part of this MLC, I just laugh inside. She makes it sound like we were living in hell! Ok then, why do all my friends and family and people who just know us and our life say "What a beautiful family you have". They all saw it. I saw it. My wife saw it too. UNTIL........BAM! TILT! The sh##tstorm hits. We don't even get the tornado sirens or the annoying announcement on tv! Sometimes I wonder if God knows this journey (I know He does) and says "OK, he is ready, activate program 32##." Then my life has taken the new path. Should I be mad at God? See how far that gets me. Guess God knows that it is time for me to step up to face the future. It is up to me to make it ugly or really cool. I am shooting for really cool. Is it with my wife? Right now I hope so. If not, I can cry about it and will but there is too much to lose. So I can't wallow in it. Have to dream a little.
What would be cool for Taylor? I don't have a bike anymore, sold the Goldwing to buy the engagement ring 20 years ago. But I see a lot of people with bikes that seem to be having a blast out there. Some of those groups go all over the country. They seem to make all kinds of friends. That's not for me but is there anything like that you get to dream about?" You get to think about this stuff when maybe before it was not an option. He may come back from being the alien, but if he leaves and gets that space that they need for this (Sh##) I mean journey, then you get to do things that you could not do before. I realized I had my dreams on the back burner for most of my marriage by my choice. I was attending to her needs and made them part of my dreams too. I figured that that was what love and marriage were about. Putting the partner first and doing things with love even if I did not want to do them at first. I found that after a while she was right. Not that I was wrong but my needs were backburnered. I accepted that knowing that I could always fit them in.
)and you will. It may start slowly, but slow and steady etc.