Hi, appreciate some advice here. Moving from WAW forum.
Together 8 yrs Married 2 yrs ( 1 S each from prev M )
W recently told me she wants out of M. She started acting strange ( to me ) and I could see she was distant so I asked her why she seemed unhappy and she said she wanted out. I did the usual thing trying to rationalize the situation with her, suggesting remedies etc and spent the next two days doing all the wrong things from a DB perspective. Since then I have been doing the LRT . I don’t think there are any changes in her plans. She has assured me there is no OM but she works with a lot of guys and I have a feeling there may be an EA but she just see’s it as friendship( I know ??). I have tried to dig up some info on this but found nothing. He is a Cop (married ) so dont really want to go down any blackmail or threatening path so no real way to bust this up
We had an unusual dynamic in our M in that she worked shifts which caused me to have to be responsible for most of the child minding ( 1 each from previous marriages ) and I usually cooked all meals and took care of most of the domestic stuff. I also hold a very good job. So doing some 180’s for me means not doing as much around the house and forcing her to take more responsibility. All the 180's involve me NOT doing as much which seems wrong.
She has stated she wants to sell our home and move into separate houses. All she is telling me is that this is mainly due to conflicts she has with my S (11). They are both very stubborn and she is very strict and he stands up to her. I have tried to control these interactions unsuccessfully ( she maintains I never tried ). My problem is she is not being very mature over it and i expect more from her than an 11 year old. Some of her friends have approached me and said that is all they know too and they also said she needs to grow up. She has told me she is sick of people telling her to behave like an adult including her friends and family. But if only problem is this I do not understand why she suddenly turned so cold to me ( EA I'm sure )
I have agreed to sell the house if she wishes but am going to make her do all the work in preparing for sale and listing as it is not what I want. She has even suggested that we may be able to date after we separate and I don’t really know how to handle that and am not sure whether she really means it.Strange that even after saying that she acts very cold to me next day. I prev told her that when we separate we are done and I dont want to maintain a friendship as it would be too painful for me and i just want to get on with life. . Also don’t know if I would be ready for that. One side of me says just cut off contact with her and get on with things except I still love her and don’t want a D.
I DO have a good life so I don’t have to GAL and have plenty of things to do without her and am just doing my own thing right now. As far as the LRT I think I have been managing well but not seeing much progress,Her plans I fear are not going to change. She seems ok having little contact but sometimes I feel we are just playing a game with each other.
I have a couple of questions re LRT that are confusing me.
I assume it is ok to continue with normal pleasantries such as wishing her a good day. I do this even when she is being cold. I dont want her to see any anger or rudeness from my side. It's just a quick goodnight, good morning or have a nice day.
When she tells me where she is off to for the day should I reciprocate with information from my end or just say have a nice day and leave.
When she talks about friendship / Dating after we separate. How should I respond. I really do not want to just end up as friends and will cut off contact if that is her plan.
I am making her take responsibility for her own Son more. How far should I push this. I have always been like a dad to him and she has said to her friends and me that when we sep it is going to be really hard for him If i backed off completely she would be in a real bind. My issue is that by doing this it may be seen by him as abandonment and this sitch is not his fault.
About 2 weeks ago she brought up our R and she said the fact that we dont talk that much and avoid each other in the house is a sign we are not meant to be together. This is partly due to LRT and partly her coldness.
With regard to the LRT I have been able to detach but my problem is more how to respond when she becomes all friendly. What I have been doing is to respond in a friendly manner but ensure i end the conversation.
We have a vacation booked and paid for late in the year with some friends and she also recently said we should still go. i remarked it was a couples vacation and I would not be comfortable going like we are right now and her response was if we start dating after we separate we can go as a couple. I couldn't even think of a response so i just stayed silent but confused. Over the next couple of days she was cold again and we barely spoke.
Funny how the very little things can give you a bit of hope. normally when I head out to work she just pretends she is asleep and i creep out of the room respecting that. This morning she rolled over and called me by my name, smiled and said goodbye and have a nice day and i responded in kind.
