QS~

Honey, I know you're hurting, but being a doormat and monitoring your W's every move isn't attractive. Worrying about what she'll do if you do XYZ? NOT attractive.

Women need to respect a man in order to feel attracted to them. Without respect, there is no chance for attraction.

Before the bomb, I knew I could get my H to back down on anything, and it wasn't attractive at all. He definitely had his own issues in the marriage, but his (perceived) weakness was a real turnoff. Know what changed that?

He bombed me, and no amount of my tricks would sway him. He was clear, firm, had boundaries...and all of a sudden, I wanted to save my M and be with this man. I know it "shouldn't" be like this, but it IS like this.

Listen to what Puppy told you about taking actions because they are RIGHT, not because you think your W will do something. The latter is manipulation. The worst has already happened-your W is flashing her goods all over creation, treating you like crap, has filed for D, and looking to get laid. YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE. In any case, if your W came back tomorrow, she would do it again because YOU have NOT CHANGED.

Women want strong men with boundaries. By strong I do not mean all aggressive and testosteroned. Strong means knowing who you are, what you are willing to accept, and holding the line. Since we've reconciled, my H has been working on this, and it makes our M much better.

Know that even when you DO step up to hold a boundary, your W is going to try to get you to drop it. There will be fireworks as she tries every trick she has to get you to stop. She will say things like, "I was thinking about coming back, but then you did XYZ." THIS IS SCRIPT AND TOTAL BS. We've all heard it.

Collect your intell, but why on earth would you interrupt your GAL on Friday by checking in on your neighbor's computer? Dude...get your focus on you. Fake it 'til you make it. When my sitch was happening, I made it a point to not be here when H was coming home. I'd be here all day, but then get dressed up and put on perfume and leave just before he got home. I went to free concerts, meetup.com groups, engaged in hobbies I liked, and even just sat in the bookstore with a book and a latte. Sometimes I'd go to the park and just write everything I wanted to say or was feeling. Then I'd come home, a little later than he'd be expecting me.

It was hard at first, but I found myself enjoying life. I still mark it as one of the best summers of my life. I found myself and my own boundaries, and I learned to speak up about what I want and need instead of being passive aggressive about it like before. My H and I learned to rebuild our M, in no small part because I did the work on myself. I *was* lucky in that he was in IC and we were in MC early on, and even though he was in the throes of an EA, he was able to let go and stick it out. Still, his emotional attachment to this woman lasted to some degree for a couple of years...but *I* didn't set that firm boundary early on because of *my* fear. He wasn't pursuing her any longer and I knew he loved me and was committed to our M, but H collects people and once he knows you, he wants to be your friend for life. I finally reached my limit and set a firm boundary--and he respected it.

Ask yourself: if you'd just met your W and found out the things she was doing, would you want to be in a R with her? Why would you put up with her crap now if you wouldn't put up with it in a new R?

It's time to find your huevos from wherever your wife stored them. Women are attracted to men who know who they are, what they want, and what they'll accept. Detach from the outcome and take RIGHT ACTION.

SD


Me: 40
H: 43
H had EA from 2/06-9/06
Bomb 5/06
Piecing since 9/2006
3/2008: Boundary setting
7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb.
8/2010: Marriage finally on track!