I'm not talking about beatings or any abuse. I know one really neat couple where the mother had a wooden spoon (like used for cooking)and she had painted it and put a name on it. She used this one item when she had to "paddle" her child. She could carry this spoon in her purse when she went to visit family, etc. They came to our house and the little girl stated to get a bit roudy, but not bad at all. The mother very calmly pulled the spoon out of her purse and laid it beside her. That's all she had to do, but the child instantly started to listen and obey. The child had perfect manners. I knew she was not "overly" spanked, but this was the parent's way of enforcing the discipline if the child did not obey the words.
I just wanted to make sure you understood that I was not endorsing physical abuse. I can see how you would feel the way you do after you were treated so badly,but your son probably feels the same way by his twin sister....except his is emotional cr@p beatings from her.
I would recommend Dr. James Dobson's book regarding anything about raising children. He is number one in my bood.
Last edited by sandi2; 07/15/1012:29 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'll look up Dobson. BTW, I do spank. Just feels wrong to be spanking (form of hitting) while telling son we don't hit. Spank is a last resort. Time outs work we just haven't been consistent in using them. Some of what DD is doing is happening at summer school and is relayed to me. She is 6 and there are 9 year old girls teaching her.
I'm really depressed. I've had depression for over a year now and just started back on my AD meds. I've been sick to my stomach past day and half thinking this will never end. And from reading all these posts...knowing it's just the beginning. I got the following post that brought me down too.
QUOTE I'm just not getting it am I? I want her to want to be here and go to IC, go to MC, make everything better and raise my twin 6 year olds and be happy with her.
I'm sorry to be the one to inform you, but none of these things are likely to happen. A few people actually repent, turn from their evil and selfish ways, and do the hard work necessary to put their marriage back together. But, not many. They are the exception, not the rule. No one here can predict whether your wife will see the error and her sin and turn from it and seek your forgiveness, and God's. But 24 years of the public ministry have taught me that MOST DON'T.
The great things about the methods and behaviours we are trying to teach you are:
1) the change in YOU will be good FOR YOU 2) the change in YOU will be good for your kids 3) the change in YOU will be good for your next marriage, or for this one
You can waste a bunch of time and money going to IC if you want. But I am going to save you all of that and summarize everything in 5 words:
YOU CAN'T CHANGE ANOTHER PERSON
Last edited by Chuck66; 07/15/1012:43 PM.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
I was trying to explain to W's parents what she is going through. It is hard for people to grasp. And especially the counter-intuitive nature of letting them go/have space. I found 3 short articles that are kind of the Cliff's notes of the whole thing.
When you first tell people about this stuff and the 180s, detaching, etc, they think you are listening to some quack on the Internet. The MLC is so foreign but so many people are going through it. I think no one really knows about the MLC until it strikes your family then it's like being in quick sand. The less you do the better off you are but it still feels like we are sinking. But the more you pursue or try to fix it and thrash about the faster the quicksand engulfs us.
BTW, I do spank. Just feels wrong to be spanking (form of hitting) while telling son we don't hit.
Guess I misunderstood your post. A lot of the modern VP's say that you can't teach a child not to hit when you spanking them. If they understand "you" are the adult and have the authority over them and that they are being punished by receiving the spanking.....then that is different. (Strange how a small toddler understands the concept without be told all those words verbally.) You are not "hitting" them (or at least, should not hit them). God put the padding in the backend for a good reason...and that should be administered properly.
If time out works (and it does with certain issues) or if "grounding" them works (and that is what older children need), then fine. However, I don't think it is going to work very well to put them in time out b/c they hit a school official.
Anyway.....back to the M problems, has your W actual been diagnoised with MLC or is that what you think she has?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
And you are right about the padding, that is why I still spank. I count to 3 and whenever I hit 2 I always say 3 and spank. So when I say "one" they stop whatever they are doing wrong immediately. I think we were down to a spank a week for each. We've started to go back to the time-outs which they hate more than spanks. The crying is much worse with a time out than the spank. DD had (2) 6 min time-outs back to back last night when we were playing a board game and she had a tantrum when she was not winning. Then she started smarting off. She is with 9 year old girls at summer school and her language has gotten worse. I've been nipping it in the bud. They mind me pretty darn good. They mind their mother much less. And they are the most polite kids you will ever meet. They have very good manners.
No she has not been diagnosed with MLC. You next Q is going to be...so you have decided to run around and go on these sites and you are the one to diagnose her? Good job Freud.
She has not been to MC since 2000 and never been to IC. She went to the pharmacy on Tues at the exact time I made an IC appt for her. She doesn't want help. The MC said for us each to have 2 IC visits with other C's then he would see us on 22 July. I went to both my IC's and she missed both of hers. I asked her about the MC appt and she said "we should just probably cancel it too...unless you want to go." I don't think he will see us since she didn't follow the 2 IC prerequisite he wanted. And even if we did go, I think her depression and what you want to label that she has needs to be addressed before M issues.
Each night she comes home and drinks (pills that she is on says no alcohol) and hides in her office and eats chips and plays her guitar with the most depressing songs. I have her parents bringing food over tonight after one of her 12 hour work days (I still say possible EA on work computer) and I am hoping she will be less likely to drink or hide with her parents here. Yes I know I am trying to fix what can't be fixed but I just wanted to give her addictive cycle a speed bump. She and I have no friends but were are friendly with our home builder and I thought he and his wife could come over the next night around the same time to talk home issues and maybe she wouldn't drink to excess or hide again and it would be 2 nites without her isolation/drinking. Or as you may tell me, I am fooling myself and that none of this will even make a difference.
I made the mistake of asking her not to play this very depressing song last night. "Until the Heartache Ends" by Rob Thomas. After hearing it for the 30th time it was driving me nuts. So I asked her to play something else. Big mistake. She said the song has nothing to do with the guy who taught her the guitar and what song is okay to play. I had accused her of EA when I found out she hugged guitar guy at work in front of his GF.
She took her guitar to work today and said "it means nothing just want to play it at lunch." She used to take her guitar to work and got lessons (just 2) at her lunch. I'm sure she means she can play any song at work without interference from me. Everyone at her office knows that I asked about guitar guy and are watching them pretty close and there has been no unusual conversations between them. I have talked to him directly about this. He said there was nothing and he lost his wife over her MLC in 2004 so he wouldn't do that. But she says she has to work long hours and can never make IC appts but has time to play the guitar at work.
Her 40 trips to clothing stores in June has gone down to zero in the month of July? What addiction did she trade it for, IDK?
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
She used to call me 5 times a day from her work just 3 months ago. Now no calls all day yesterday or today. All those calls used to bug me. Now I miss them.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
Parents came over. She ate a great meal, so she had more than a beer and chips tonight. Only spoke directly to me a few times all night. She talked all night. Watched the kids dance to songs and everyone laughed. As soon as parents left she poured a glass of wine and I went to bed. She played guitar songs/played computer for 2 hours then went to bed.
Tomorrow home builder and wife said they are coming over around the same time (about when she gets off work). So maybe she can have another night of talking and not isolation. At least her stomach had something on it when she drank this time. I counted her pills and they are all there. She didn't take any today.
I put the kids in bed and got their teeth brushed. She set out DD clothes and I set out DS clothes. She did do two domestic chores which right now anything to do with the home she abhors. She did the dishes for everyone and did the laundry. I learned how to fold my shirts with at table in college decades ago and she liked the way and has been using it for decades. I asked her while she was folding do you remember where you learned that? She said, It was probably the way you told me to do it" and I said, "ouch, don't you mean the way I showed you?" She has always thought I was controlling. A A week or so ago she said, "You are controlling I am unaffectionate and neither one of us are going to change."
Chuck
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
Sandi2, This article talks about labelling "MLC" on a spouse so we won't accept blame for our own misgivings in the R. I've been thinking about that and will still ponder that some more. My current opinion is maybe.
Chuck, re-read what you posted. Can't you see how controlling your behavior is? Inviting people over to influence her meals/drinking, counting pills, commenting on her housework.
Get the books. Read and learn. You cannot control her behavior. She has to figure out this mess on her own. You cannot fix this for her.
