I know it's been a while since my last posting. Just been dealing with stuff ... getting used to the part time schedule with the kids; dealing with the volatility of w's moods. There are times when she's sweet as pie ... others when she's spewing hate when she's not getting her way in pushing the D forward.
There have been days when I've actually sat with her and enjoyed her company ... could sit and talk for hours as friends. But she'll turn the the D papers ... wanting me to sign ... pushing to get this done ... acting though giving this to her would be like Christmas Day. Then I can't stand to be around her. I can't stand to be in her presence.
She's finally pushed her way to finalizing a decree. I told her what I would agree to w/o a fight (in the courts), especially regarding joint custody w/ the kids and child support. Now she wants me to sign the decree agreement, and I had to say no. I had to let her know that a decree means I agree to D and that this relationship is w/o reconciliation.
I had to let her know that my finger prints are not going to be on what she it doing. This is her initiative. Her doing. I am sticking my vows ... for better or for worse. Signing her decree would mean that I am breaking my vow--to her, and most of all--to God.
I realize when it gets to court I will have no choice. I'll only sign papers at the order of a judge ... it'll be a judge and her who will end my marriage ... not me. To do any less would be to tell God that I've stopped trusting Him. Stopped hoping in Him.
This of course has not settled well with her. She's threatening to get a lawyer if it goes to "trial". The money that she will spend on a lawyer she'll blame me for taking away from her kids' vacation. Even though I've let her know that I've had my lawyer review her terms and everything looks agreeable. All she really needs to do is amend her filing to what she has in the decree, and I will have my lawyer issue a withdraw. It will then be me and her and the terms we agreed to out of court. And the judge can finish it.
But for some reason she wants me to sign the decree ... mutually agree ... and be done. Otherwise, hold "all I've put her and the kids through because I would not agree" over my head for the rest of whatever.
But I make my stand. It's not about me and her so much anymore. It's about my commitment to God. It's about me and God. Somehow, in the midst of this Hell on Earth--there's remarkable peace in that.
