Lessons learned at every bend

[optimist]

Hi Jeannine, thanks for stopping by my thread. I've seen you around the BB and been very impressed with your wisdom...

Bear with me if you've already answered this, but does your H avoid conflict like it's the plague?
Is he NORMALLY sensitive about hurting the feelings of people around him?

Yes, my H is an extreme conflict-avoider. He was brought up in a home where his mother would react very forcefully to opposition of any kind (once she 'tried' to strangle herself in front of her small children after some fight with her H) and he learned to avoid any conflict. He has especial difficulty confronting women.

He just shuts up and resents that person. He let his mother and his sister do whatever they want to, and boss him around without ever complaining. But he resented it deeply.

My SIL reacted in a completely oposite way: she fights nail and tooth. He does not confront her either.

One example only: When we moved to Texas we had known we were moving for over a year (I accepted the job in March 1994 and I was going to start in July of 1995). He looked for a job himself, we house hunted, we planned the move and hired the movers... his whole family knew we were leaving... but he did not tell his mother until literally 3 days before our plane left. He let her plan our life, look for a job for him and tell everybody that we were coming back to their hometown just to avoid telling her beforehand...

Of course in a way, that is exactly what he did to me with OW: he had told everybody in his family we had problems and were getting a divorce... but forgot to tell me... He had been afraid to confront me, in case I'd leave him and resented me deeply in the process.

That is why I thought it is a sign of progress when he tells me that he does not like something or does not want to do something... If he confronts me, he will not get resentful.