Lessons learned at every bend

[optimist]

Thanks for the input, David. Very helpful, as usual

I do, however, have a few more questions for you:

Have you re-read your original posts recently? Yes, I have been reading them over the past week

Have you thought about where the relationship was compared to where it is now? Well, there has been a lot of improvement: we are closer, we spend more time together, we are wearing our wedding rings (most of the time)... but we are still stuck in the same first two goals

Have you gone back to DR to compare that advice to your current actions? Tried to, but it conflicted with 'Dora the explorer' and Dora won

Are your current thoughts and actions taking you closer to your goal? NO, NO, NO

Actually I just did a fresh-thinking exercise with Pam. I think it accounts for my trying to see things with a beginners mind:

psluke1: Ok,
psluke1: I think you are a bit emotionally exhausted right now.
psluke1: Everyone was sick.
psluke1: The visit wasn't great with your Sibs
psluke1: then the holiday was here
psluke1: He is stressed because he is confused

optimistdb: I've stopped answering the phone when it is my parents

psluke1: you are stressed
psluke1: and confused
psluke1: I think you guys are feeding a bit off of negative cycles of one another

optimistdb: OK. I am trying to look at things in a different way. Tell me if it looks plausible...
optimistdb: Here is another version of the story:

psluke1: ok

optimistdb: H is trying to make up for what he has done but is very unsure that I will ever forgive him. He wants to hope, but he thinks what he did is unforgivable.

psluke1: Yes

optimistdb: He does not want to/cannot get rid of that woman and knows that with her in the picture I will never heal. He does not know what to do but does not want to ask for help from me, partly from fear of being controlled partly from guilt

psluke1: I think you are doing good so far.

optimistdb: My sibs come and he feels unwelcome in his own house. But it is his fault so he hides in his cave. Then he sees that he is hurting me more, and tries to get out

psluke1: And he did try at the end

optimistdb: He did. In the middle of all that we all get sick and I get the blues post-sickness. But he may think it is that I am upset at him for his prior behaviour. The holidays come and I go beserk. He is sure I am mad at him and controlling and we all backslide
optimistdb: Then I tell him I appreciate how he turned around the sit during my bro last days here, and he feels better, but I am still a mental mess. So he is treading on eggshells now

psluke1: So if that is the true picture how do you proceed to turn it around?

optimistdb: Does not know what to do to get in my good side
optimistdb: Calystra!

psluke1:

OK.... You've probably thought about your response to my questions. Next question: Did you answer them in the amount of time he had to answer them when he took the phone call? Maybe a little bit of panic set in, and he didn't make the best split-second decisions.

Point well taken. It took me about half an hour to think and formulate the above. My H had three minutes if that long...

I know my post sounds like I'm defending your H. I'm certainly not trying to do that. I fully agree that this doesn't look too great. My intention is to get you to focus on where you were, and where you are now. You're the only person who can decide what's best for you. Try to seperate the clear thoughts from the emotional thoughts, and don't make hasty decisions when you're emotional.

Thanks again. Actually I would not mind if you defended my H, God knows nobody else does... not even his sister

I also discovered something else about my goals. Bear with all the IM, but it shows the discovery process. Might help someone else in a similar sitch:

psluke1: Have you got goals set?
psluke1: like on the thread Sage has going
psluke1: It might help focus you more

optimistdb: I've had the same goals for moths, but they do not seem to be reachable...

psluke1: Then, maybe they need broken down or revised?

optimistdb: I broke one of them down and revised them all

psluke1: How long ago?

optimistdb: They are in the first page of my current thread
optimistdb: Which is more a circle than a thread

psluke1: Ok, two big ones focus on him and put a lot of pressure on him to meet
psluke1: and some of the others aren't real specific

optimistdb: Suggestions?

psluke1: Number 4 is being met right?

optimistdb: Mostly

psluke1: Did you read Sage's second DR thread?

optimistdb: No

psluke1: I think that is the one that gives goal examples
psluke1: and LL has one on spending time together
psluke1: and breaks it down more specifics
psluke1: I think you are stuck right now
psluke1: http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Number=605353&page=0&view=collapsed&sb=5&o=31&fpart=1
psluke1: The second post there is good
psluke1: This is a great action-oriented list! It will be easy to see when these goals are being accomplished

psluke1: That is what is lacking for me and I wonder about for you
psluke1: If we aren't specific and small enough we don't see progress and get discouraged

optimistdb: I see your point. My goal concentrate in what is missing from my marriage, not what I want it to be
optimistdb: So the more I fixate on not being closer to my goals, the more I get trapped in my old marriage, not the new one

psluke1: Right

So I guess I have to thank all of my friends who eased me out of this cheeseless tunnel. So, in no particular order, thank you Pam, David, Jan, Colleen, Deb, Sue, LL, nik, Loretta, Bob, Cupcake and everybody!