Soaring Solo 2010

[g450]

G, thanks for sharing the wisdom. Something clicked as I read:


She is gone. It is "over". But there will be no other. There can be no other.

It's painful to understand the meaning of these words but they might be true for me too.

Damn you G! This tore me up when I read it as well.

I will always feel this way as well. But I try to cherrish the 23 years we had. They were the best years of my life.

I understand EXACLTY how you feel brother.

[whatisis]

What I recognize from what Gardener wrote is that, in my case, there can be no "other" because I can never repeat what I had with my wife. I will never again be a young man with 2/3 of my life ahead of me. I will never raise children with someone else, all those times are ours and I can never repeat them with someone else. Yes, someone else may come along but our R and experiences will be much different. I guess that's neither good nor bad, it just is.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Well for me when I think about the next R, I know I won't be as trusting as I was of my STBXW. So there's a big difference right there...I probably won't have anymore kids either. So it probably won't be as deep a R as the one with my STBXW. Of course, a lot depends on the woman and how she makes me feel.

[ClingingToHope]

This is something I'm struggling with too. STBXW is in most of my memories of my 20s and all of my 30s. I'm not too old to have kids again -- although I'd have to have to reverse a vasectomy to do it.

Still, for better or worse STBXW will be the defining relationship of my life. And much of it was unhappy. That's a tough realization.

Still, this is my life today, it doesn't have to be and won't be my life forever. Some day someone great will come along and when that happens that will be my life then. I just can't let this past relationship ruin my future ones.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Gardener, we miss you. Hope everything's going well with you!

[Gardener]

Hi, Romeo. Hi, all.
I'm fine thanks.
Taking some time away from the boards but with so many Watched Users and Watched Topics on my list I have been following along many of your sitches.

I am settling into acceptance on so many levels. Doing some good work with the new IC I started with in...April (?) She really is wonderful, caring, and wise.

In addition to daily meditation, I occasionally will use the time awake, aware, eyes open holding an object that has recently caught my attention for whatever reason. At first I considered it pondering, but that's not the right word. Don't know what is. So for now, lets say I fully experience the object like a child or a visitor from space would. All five senses. New senses. It is a short period of awe, amazement and appreciation.

Last week, the object was half an oyster shell I picked up on the beach of Long Island Sound. Later that night I had the most wonderful time with its beauty, its is-ness.

And then I went deeper with it. It is hard. Shelled. To protect its very self: all that is so very soft, vital, tender and vulnerable within.

But to eat, to move forward, to grow it has to, it must open that shell ever so slightly, rawly exposing its self. Like us all.

And when pain comes in, the oyster cannot expel it.
So it coats it. And coats it.
Smoothing it, (while soothing itself) transforming its very nature completely with patience and with perseverance. With time.

A pearl. A pain deep within the most vulnerable self becomes something precious.

I pray for and send out blessings to all my friends and loved ones - and to my former spouse - (and to DBers) every night.

During the day, when a pain, a memory, the pang of loneliness or betrayal hit,
"blessings' and acceptance never completely did it for me. "Perhaps with time and repetition it will," I would rationalize as the pang remained, maybe lessened somewhat, but remained...and always deep in the pit of my stomach.

It sounds simplistic, but I know tell myself to, "Coat this," or "I will coat this with love," or acceptance, or whatever seems appropriate. And it feels better. This way feels better. A decision. An action. A healing. I will smoothen it, coat it, render it less painful, less an irritant.

Eventually its very nature will be transformed. It will become precious - and a lesson for another day.

I am also busy planning a barbecue this Sunday. It is the day after my birthday but that is coincidental.

My brother, his wife and sons. My Son, 32 - Son 34, in Colorado will be there in spirit - and four friends: one since kindergarten, one since high school, two going on twenty five years.

These people - and by extension, their spouses - were my support group. My lifeline, my shoulders to cry on, ears to whine (way too much) into.

And, I later realized upon reflection, these are the people in my life who have never, ever, let me down. How blessed am I? This party's for them!

Finally, I found someone this week: Artist Gardener. Rendering in pen and ink was my hobby and a source of income (specializing in home portraits) for years. I. Just. Stopped. Fifteen years ago.

So I took out six favorites, bought mattes and frames and hung them in my house. Got out the pens ink bottles, too. And I'm bringing that part of me back into my life.

So, I'm fine, following along, and here. Here where my sanity was saved.

And still (obviously) verbose

Peace,

[whatisis]

Sounds great Gardener, it sounds like you're practicing mindfulness. I'm glad you've returned to your pen and ink, I too began to sketch again after about 30 years. I've enjoyed the sketches I've done. I hope you feel the joy in your renewed interest!

[antlers]

Hi G. You sound well in your post. Sounds like you're enjoying some things that you let slip over the years. Good for you. I hope you continue to get stronger and better. Best wishes...antlers.

[hoosiermama]

wonderful, gardener.

[ImprovedRomeo]

G, it's so great to see you moving forward in life and keeping things in perspective and living in the now. Well done on picking up the pen too.