I just want to know the resoning behind staying vs leaving if we don't know that they will ever treat us with respect, if they will ever love us again, etc. What are your thoughts on that?
I put this record on for you.
Listen...
It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU It's about YOU
Sorry it must be broken...
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Do you think a person who didn't use to treat you like your H is treating you now could just do what he's doing and not give it a second thought?
Obviously something is very wrong. The pain for him must be intense to go off the deep end like this and be an exact 180 from the man he used to be.
Your H is on a journey that has nothing to do with you. Do you know it is reported by those who have gone through and completed a MLC do not even remember a lot of the things they've done and said? This should give you a clue to how serious a mental illness this is.
L, put the focus back on you. You can't help or fix your H at this time. You can help yourself.
So, what I meant was that sick or not..he still knows the difference between right and wrong, that lying and cheating is wrong, why it's horrible to treat people like crap..I mean damn..we used to talk about it all the time. he couldn't stand to see someone treat another human being disrespectfully..but yet he is doing it to me. He knows, and doesn't care.
Oh, he knows, ltaylor. On some level, he knows. Right now, there is a driving force behind his behavior that is powerful enough to override his rational mind. Honestly, I hope I never have to deal with something like that. It must be truly shattering to see yourself become what you never thought you would be.
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I just want to know the resoning behind staying vs leaving if we don't know that they will ever treat us with respect, if they will ever love us again, etc. What are your thoughts on that?
I can't speak for Grit or anyone else, but this is my reasoning. I stay because...
I love my old H I took a vow and meant it I don't need a D right now, because I am not ready for another R, because I need time and space, so that I can heal and become whole again, so that My next R, if any, will be better, whether with my H or not Or I know I'll be fine alone
It costs me absolutely nothing to wait this out, because I know I need the time to work on me. When it's time to move on, I'll know, but it will be because I'm strong enough to do it alone, not because I need to look for someone else to make me whole or happy, or to give purpose to my life.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
When you discover what is inside you Taylor you will no longer feel like...
...Like the 30 pages up there ^^^^^^
Full of pain, hurt and self doubt.
There is a difference between moving on and moving forward.
We are about foward here.
Everyone that has posted to you is telling you the same thing in a different way.
Which way can I say it so that you will hear it?
Tell me how I can convince you.
If you have read my thread all 45 pages, then you would know I started where you are.
So did everyone here.
And you would know why standing for my marriage has made all the difference in my life.
And
I am going to tell you a secret...
You want to know why you would want to stand.
You're not going to believe this.
Because there will come a day when you actually know that by not doing it, standing, by walking away you add to the pain that your husband is going through. You confirm all his doubts about himself and your marriage by leaving. You confirm your own doubts about yourself.
Can you imagine that all your pain can be transformed into compassion and courage and love?
Can you believe that?
Is that something you want? Is that a journey worth taking?
You know what? I would rather be watching Dancing with the Stars right now.
BUT
I'm not.
I am typing to you.
Why do think that is?
Can you tell me the reasoning behind why I am here typing to you instead of watching DWTS? (ok I'm kidding about DWTS)
Why am I here do ya think?
Why is everyone who has taken time to post to you doing it?
If you really know the answer to that question then you are ready to take the first step.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
I am popping in again just to answer YOUR question.
I am no longer standing for my WIFE. That is a decision that I made for ME. Is that to say that I am moving on to someone else. Is that to say that I am filing for a D. NO. It is to say that I am living my life for ME. If my W wants to join me in the future then hey let's go for it.
Am I a success. IMO - F yeah. Only because of who I became and who I aspire to be. No one can take this from me. No one. Am I perfect? No. Am I a flawed human being? Yep. Do i have fears? Yep. Do I have my own insecurities? Yep. DOES the actions of my Wife drive these feelings? Not anymore.
Tay - I made every DB mistake in the book. Every single one.
By my last count I think something like 20 people have posted to you to tell you to focus on you. To tell you to sit back and just GAL.
You admit your afraid, you admit you have insecurities. Can you admit that you are pissed off? Can you admit that your PRIDE may be getting in the way?
You yourself have said that your H was a good man for 20 years. You have said that you are in love with him and want to be with him. You have said so many positive things about your H.
Think about the positives of your H. I know you know he is sick. I know that this is hard. I know. You have seen other people in your sitch. Others who have given you great advice.
It does not make a difference who is standing or not standing. What matter is WHAT ITAYLOR wants. Do what you feel you need to do. Just make sure that you are not doing it in anger. It is all that I can tell you ITAY.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I love my old H I took a vow and meant it I don't need a D right now, because I am not ready for another R, because I need time and space, so that I can heal and become whole again, so that My next R, if any, will be better, whether with my H or not Or I know I'll be fine alone
ltaylor - one of the things that happened in counseling when my H first disclosed his secret life to me was that in planning for recovery we had to agree to a "narrow path" - in many ways, it is like if he had had a heart attack and our whole life would have needed to change - the way we eat, what we do, how much we do, etc. It became too much for him and he had to escape - which he did. To "recover" from H's MLC - I've had to create a "narrow path" for myself - how much I do, with whom, how often, etc. But also, I've had to believe that I actually CAN recover. In addition - I have to work hard on myself right now so that I can forgive, learn, move forward, etc. I believe whole-heartedly that my H will eventually find his way out of his tunnel. Right now, maybe this isn't right - but I find myself standing outside or away from him - watching, like he's on a TV show - I am working really hard to separate or detach myself from what he does. Do I think he looks and acts like a fool right now? Yep - but I still love him (and I actually believe I'm the only one who really does right now) Do I think he has so much pain, grief, embarrassment, frustration, anger, etc. that his acting out has become his only coping mechanism? Yep - but when he hits rock bottom and needs help, I plan on being here for him.
Many of my friends and family think I am foolish - but honestly I'm not too worried about it. This is who I am and this is what I want to do with my life right now.
Everyone here believes that you have to find what works for you. If he was the most wonderful man in the world - what does he deserve? What if he did have a more accepted "diagnosis"? Would you stay with him? You have to believe that he is ill - who would choose the life he is choosing? There is something wrong with him - believe it and choose!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Well Jack..hmmm...that is one of the better questions I've had yet..you got me on that one.
Would I walk thru hell if I did't know whether or not my spouse would walk back with me. So, is the question..would I walk thru hell to find and rescue my spouse, but only if I knew he'd walk back with me? So conditional love then..I would only love you if you came back to me..but not otherwise..hhhmmm...
you're a smart little cookie, Jack.
The question reminds me of my faith in God. Do I believe in God because it wouldn't hurt me not to..or do I believe in God because it would hurt me not to? Would I stop loving God because He didn't give me everything I wanted? My love for God is unconditional. I believe he wants us to have that for everyone we meet.
Good Lord..when did you guys sneak all those posts in on me? I stepped away for a little bit to apply for that job and whoa, come back to find all these heartfelt msgs from all of you.
Irish, I understand what you're saying..yes, I need to be there for him when he hits the bottom..because he won't have anyone else that cares for him the way I do. Actually if he keeps going the way he is he won't have anyone else..period. And I do love him, maybe even more now than ever. I also stand back and watch him like a horror movie on TV. What is he gonna do next, wow I can't believe he said that, who is this wierd person?
Sometimes when I read these posts I start to cry. you guys say the most poignant things sometimes.
