"i don't want my current situation to be permanent. i don't want the rest of my life to be like this."
It won't be. The situation you are in is only as permanent as you make it. The natural progression is going to happen. Hopefully no matter how it turns out you can put it behind you. This "stuff" will mold you.. again no matter how it turns out. This is a learning experience.
"yes. i am angry that i was forced into it and i never got to tear into him for doing this to me. and i'm being told that it doesn't matter at this point what i have to say. so i feel even more angry."
What does blowing up at him do for you? If this is something that you just need to get off your chest it is one thing. But you are going at it from the standpoint that your blowing up will somehow change his mind.. and make you feel better. While short term it will make you feel better.. now all you have done is blown up on him. What happens when the same feelings you have now come back? Do you blow up again? Does it become a cycle? Now.. changing his mind has a .0001% chance of happening. But what if you say all the right things and he says.. Oh sh1t.. I screwed up.. I want you back. Then what? You just live happily ever after?
"i am going to spend some time to really think about this statement. what was wrong with the draft statement posted on alt? too much anger?"
It was not heartfelt. It was just words. It was reactionary and full of finger pointing.
"i'm afraid i won't be able to handle it when i get served."
Well.. since day 1.. this is what I have been telling you to prepare for. You know it is coming.. you should be prepared.
"i have this sixth sense and for some reason, i believe it's coming."
Your "sixth sense" gets you in "trouble" alot. Knowing papers are coming is not a "sixth sense". It is just clear thinking. The day "someone" moves out.. I expect papers in that posters stitch. Sometimes "someone" is still in the house.. and I expect papers.
"i also believe he's reading these posts. i have spoke about filing. so he may try to beat me to it - it's all a game to him cuz he thinks i just want to win. Win what? like how childish."
Again.. if he is reading.. he is not gaining much ammo. If he wants to beat you to filing let him. Don't play the game. If he has to read this to find ways to get at you.. he still cares. He still wants to "hurt" you. He is just reacting to his emotions.
"i hope you will be back soon. i need to have a checkpoint meeting to gauge my progress and whether i am being effective."
I am reading.. I at least try and do that. I have to devote time to posting.. I can't do it on the fly. You have others posting good info too. I am not the end all be all.
I will check on you before I head to bed tonight. Which hopefully will be sometime before midnight.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
young? i'm consider myself old. i'm no spring chicken. my fertile years are almost up.
i'm not happy with who i am.
i cannot run away from myself.
What? Are you 80?! Come on! Don't squander your time - any of it! This is not your dress rehearsal - LIVE. And fertility is overrated. Lots of ways to build a family.
Could it be you are not happy with who you are b/c you haven't become yourself yet. You have been trying to please and be for everyone else for so long, perhaps now that you see the impact that has had on your life, YOU will emerge.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
Hence the anger, the passive-agressive behavior, the snark, the look, ....... the snakes feed on this.
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You have been trying to please and be for everyone else for so long, perhaps now that you see the impact that has had on your life
This is why. You try to make everybody like you. It's not healthy (BTDT).
Happiness is a inside job. "Love your neighbor as yourself."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Could it be you are not happy with who you are b/c you haven't become yourself yet. You have been trying to please and be for everyone else for so long, perhaps now that you see the impact that has had on your life, YOU will emerge.
there is so much going on in my head when i read that statement above. from the impact of what my father said to me. to trying to understand the difference between being a doormat and standing up for myself in this d. to trying to figure out what i want and not be selfish. it determines what action or step i take.
it's funny you say that i've been trying to please everyone. friend of mine recently told me that i've been very selfish since the d-bomb was dropped. i used to think about everybody else and now i only think and care about me. i was told to stop thinking about me and start thinking about others.
i feel the pressure of the expectations place on me to be a certain way.
i need to work on sorting all of those things out.
Could it be you are not happy with who you are b/c you haven't become yourself yet. You have been trying to please and be for everyone else for so long, perhaps now that you see the impact that has had on your life, YOU will emerge.
there is so much going on in my head when i read that statement above. from the impact of what my father said to me.
Which was a horrible thing to say to you and you have a scar from it. But remember I told you before - do not ALLOW it to define you.
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to trying to understand the difference between being a doormat and standing up for myself in this d.
This is an essential skill to acquire. IT TAKES PRACTICE! I've been there. Had to learn it at a much later age than even you, old thing But with practice comes the grace and confidence to do it!
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to trying to figure out what i want and not be selfish. it determines what action or step i take.
it's funny you say that i've been trying to please everyone. friend of mine recently told me that i've been very selfish since the d-bomb was dropped. i used to think about everybody else and now i only think and care about me. i was told to stop thinking about me and start thinking about others.
I think you can be a "pleaser" and "selfish" at the same time. And you come across as that hybrid to me. You seem to be a PLEASER b/c you WANT something in return. You please with an expectation of return. That is a sort of selfishness. It's probably part of the reason you are perpetually ticked at H and IL - you didn't get what you wanted when you were PLEASING. Contrast that to just being who you are, doing what you think is right and good and healthy, and it might please folks or it might not - so be it. You do what you do b/c you believe/think a certain way and you do things for others b/c you care about them and want to share goodness - whether you get anything back for it or not.
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i feel the pressure of the expectations place on me to be a certain way.
I've been there, too. I convinced myself finally that this is my life - no one else's. I'll decide what expectations I'll honor and which ones I won't...and mine for myself come first.
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i need to work on sorting all of those things out.
All part of growing up...and it does not end.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I mean, honestly, your H dumps you and your friend is ? chastising you for being "selfish"? Wow! This is the time your friends should be THERE for you!
You NEED to be selfish--this is not about becoming a "jerk", it's about learning WHO YOU ARE!
So that what your dad told you can be filtered through the "is that really who I am " filter, and...is that you? are you a whore? or does dad have some issue he is projecting??
This is YOUR time. Socrates said an unexamined life is not worth living. You need to "selfishly" take time and examin yourself here. Who are you and a better question is Who do you WANT to be?
But with practice comes the grace and confidence to do it!