Was reading some other threads and I thought I would add something here I hadn't seen mentioned before. The prevailing attitude seems to be that the person involved in the EA/PA won't ever come clean. It was just the opposite for me. I had never asked or talked to her about it, but I had become suspicious for a couple of reasons. I actually checked up on her, something I never thought I would do. The night she told me, we were having supper and I was intent on what she had to say and she started tearing up. She blamed it on allergies or something in her eye and we went on. When we left the restaurant, we were in separate vehicles and I got back about 10 minutes after her. She had a note she had written with her confession and was in tears. Her reason for telling me was that she thought that I had an inkling something was going on, and she didn't understand why I treating her so well in spite of that. Something along the lines of "how could you keep being so nice to me when you thought I was doing that to you?" Of course, my answer was because I love you and thought I was just being a little crazy.
Doesn't change where I am now, just thought I would throw out there that sometimes the betraying spouse does come clean.
Day 3 NC is ok. Had to text that I was transferring money to our son's account and she ended up texting back offering to do it after the fact, but that has been it. I will admit that I miss her and her voice, but all that means is that I am human. Heading to a meeting for work that will last a few hours and then going to a small group cookout at the home of a friend. Won't know anyone else there, but I am looking forward to some fellowship and enjoyment playing cards and hanging out.
Last edited by lookin4support; 07/13/1008:32 PM.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
I know that I can't tell her this because it isn't what she needs to hear from me, but I LOVE MY WIFE! I have some awesome friends that I was able to unload on tonight about what is going on and the emotions I am going through. Since NC started on Saturday night, I haven't had another emotional letdown where I just lost it. I feel stronger and I know it isn't me that is in control. Interesting how someone who has been a problem solver and "fixer" his whole life is content to sit back and let this one get solved without my help/interference. I hope (pray) I can continue to stay the heck out of the way while God sorts it out. Some moments of weakness, but I have been smart enough to step back and gain perspective without letting my emotions take control. Another busy day tomorrow with an open gym, meeting my son for lunch, a long (25+ mile) bike ride and working on preparing for my new job. Hopefully I will be able to keep my mind off of my problems and on becoming a better me.
Look out world! Here I come!
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Doesn't change where I am now, just thought I would throw out there that sometimes the betraying spouse does come clean.
Yes, sometimes they do. I'd say maybe 20% of the time. Usually, they will cop to one level less than what the truth is (ex.: admit to EA, when it's really a PA, etc.).
Made what could have been a critical mistake today, but got by with it. She texted me a question, and instead of just answering it and going on, I added "Why?" to the end of my answer. I know better and that all that does is invite conversation, but thankfully she just answered the question in a benign way and didn't try to extend the conversation.
I know better, but this stuff is hard to do. I shared my mistake with my local resource so they could make sure to hold me accountable in the future.
The hardest part for me is I don't know what she is thinking and if this is having any effect on her at all. It is hard to not be in communication with the person who has been your best friend for the past 25 years. Things are happening in my career that are real exciting and I want to share them with her, but I know now is not the time. If I only knew that my choices were having an effect on her view of our R then it would be so much easier.
I know, I need to stop worrying about her and work on me. I am doing that, but the truth is that it is really hard. Just being honest.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Made what could have been a critical mistake today, but got by with it. She texted me a question, and instead of just answering it and going on, I added "Why?"
. . .
The hardest part for me is I don't know what she is thinking and if this is having any effect on her at all.
Here's the thing, L4S:
Either does she.
In her current state, even if she had ANSWERED your question, you would have gotten -- at BEST -- no useful information, and at worst, gaslighting, obfuscation, spin and deceit that may have taken you completely OFF YOUR GAME.
There is simply nothing useful from the mind a wayward, insofar as it being a clue as to how YOU should operate.
Had to swap cars with her today. This was set up almost a week ago and done without any personal contact. I just dropped mine off and took hers while she was at work. She even texted this morning to find out what time I was coming so she could have her stuff out of it before I got there.
So, when I get in the car, the mirror on the driver's side is way off. I reached for the adjustment switch, which is on the console, and right next to it is a church bulletin from this past Sunday. Considering where she has been concerning her relationship with the Lord, I was shocked. I immediately started praising God for the work he is doing in her life.
This from above is why I believe this is such a watershed moment.
Quote:
The death of our son has caused her to question the very basis of her belief system. As a result, she has made some choices she wouldn't have made prior to that. It is hard to explain, but I was where she is now with her faith and you rationalize why you should be able to do what you want. In the end, I think she will come to her senses.
I mentioned earlier how hard it was to not know what they were thinking, and it almost seemed like this was set up to make sure that I saw it. I know it may seem like one small thing, but my prayers have been for God to soften her heart toward him because I sincerely believe that will be the first step toward saving our marriage.
Praise God!
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
Try not to read too much into this. She could just be trying to assuage her guilt, by going to church. Or leaving it there for you to find it, so you'll get off her case. There are even multiple stories in this very forum (and thousands, elsewhere) where the wayward spouse SWEARS THAT GOD LED THEM TO THEIR OM/OW!!
Slow and easy, L4S. This journey is difficult enough, without too much "mind reading" -- big DB no-no.
NOT trying to rain on your parade; just don't want to see you set yourself up for a fall.
I understand. Just takes me back to my days coaching church softball. People complained that the only reason some guys were at church was softball. My response was "Don't complain about why they are here, use the fact that they are to minister to them."
You are right though. I did get brought back to reality when I turned the radio on and it was at a station that was clearly picked by him and not her. Made me want to rip it out of the dash.
Such is life. I appreciate your candor. The road is long enough without creating peaks and valleys where they don't have to be.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
If I could only fly I'd go up and look down from the sky So I could see the bigger picture And Lord if I could sit with You At Your feet for an hour or two I'm sure I'd ask too many questions 'Cause there's so much going on down here That I must confess I just don't understand
BRIDGE But I have prayed And at your feet my whole life has been laid So I wont worry I wont be afraid 'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways Let the road ahead become unclear I am Yours so what have I to fear If my soul is resting on Your higher ways
CHORUS Your higher ways teach me to trust You Your higher ways are not like mine Your higher ways are the ways of the Father Hiding His children in His love
BRIDGE So let it rain And if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain This hope I have will not be washed away 'Cause my soul is resting on Your higher ways
Someday I will fly and Maybe then You will take me aside And show me the bigger picture But until I'm with You I'll be here with a heart that is true And a soul that's resting on Your higher ways
Good day of golf with my dad today. The older we both get, the more I value these opportunities to spend time together doing something we both really enjoy. At lunch, they had honey from a local apiary that my wife loves that isn't available where we live. I had taken her car in to get some work done on it this morning, so I bought some and left it for her find when she got in the car.
Still only text and email contact, but I am struggling with it. Asked how she was doing and if she wanted to meet when I brought back her car. Her answer was no, she couldn't but did I want her to call. I said no, dropped off the car and went on my way. All I really accomplished by this was pursuing (bad move) and getting rejected (sad move). I guess I have a hard time learning my lesson. As much as it hurts, I have to realize that, at this point in time, I am not the most important person in her life. And the more I want to be, the longer it is going to take for it to happen, if it ever does.
Time to work on me. Starting the copy of "Divorcebusting" I got in the mail yesterday. A good friend is giving me a copy of "Battlefield of the Mind" tomorrow and I will be reading it as well. Thank God for good friends that understand the emotions I am going through and are willing to listen and help me.
M - 43 WAXW - 42 Married - 24 years Together - 25 years S - 23 - passed away 10/17/09 S - 22 Bomb - PA - 6/23/10 - WAW moved in with OM same night D-day - 9/17/10
