Oh hang on I found both of those last 2 statements in Penny's Overcoming Infidelity. To the letter. So the addicted person really says that stuff and later realizes it is wrong? I know I ask people here to speculate a lot, it just all seems like if someone says that crap now he'll never NOT say it.
Oh that's so nice to hear. I'm very happy for you :-)
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
So what's others' experiences with the whole protection phase? Once you have stopped all contact and set that boundary to the WAS, how long does it usually take till they start to see the impact of the loss and the lack of attachment to you? I guess I just want to get a truthful picture of this, does it take weeks, months? My WH is so stubborn and so trying to prove he made a good decision that I feel like even if he feels he is losing me that he'll never be the one to crack under the pressure. I read again Penny's book last night and that part about affairs being a love triangle with both women playing a role is very helpful; I can clearly see he wanted me to keep playing the domestic/home-related/stability-related best friend in his life, so I would THINK that my ceasing to be any of those things for him would make him pause, but like I say he is stubborn beyond belief right now. Anyway I'm just trying to get a sense of how long it can take for the WH to really feel the impact of me being in protection phase.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
All addicts are stubborn.. The stubborness you are experiencing IS the addiction... addictions are VERY POWERFUL. If drugs, gambling, infidelity, and other compulsions were easy to let go of they wouldn't be so problematic. It isn't just the damage they do, its how seductive the activity is... Once you start its hard to stop.
The length of time can vary widely. The variables are :
a. The amount of pressure he gets from friends and family to end the affair b. The amount of inconvenience him being apart from you creates (financial etc) c. The length of the affair d. The level of dependency he had on you before you shut him out. e. The amount of things YOu are doing NOW to prepare for a life independent of him until he returns f. The amount of distance you have created - changing your phone number, blocking email address etc... If he can still call your number, hear your voice, and leave messages that's not much pressure on him for example.
It can be endless.
he won't just "back down"... He will find "excuses" to contact you. Each tiem he will try HARDER to see you and the excuses will get MORE PATHETIC. Just keep shutting him out.
He KNOWS he has to come back and tell you its OVER or he can't se or hear you at all. This SHOULD be managed by a third party. I have seen situations where the spouse did return and claim it was over. The LBS foolishly let him back into the home only to find him cheating again three days later becuase he hasn't really ended anything in the first place.
You want to look for signs that he is trying to re-establish the attachment.
My advice is to change your phone number, email account etc and leave him with one email account that he is told s monitoring and screening for you. He will get a response for emergencies only.
He really needs to KNOW he can't contact you... He will test that out first for a few days or a week.
Once he realises he CAN't contact you then he will start TRYING to break down that wall.. using excuses or claiming he has an emergency etc.
Alright I've just asked a close friend of both of ours to serve as a proxy for communication. The settlement agreement I had drawn up is coming to him next week when he gets back from his vacation and I am sure he will have questions, and frankly, I don't want to field them or deal with his potential frustration or paranoia about the way it is written. It isn't my fault he refuses to get a lawyer and wants to discuss all that stuff with me alone. I'm going to refuse. I've asked the proxy to contact him ahead of time and say that any legal questions he has have to go through the proxy and not to directly contact me. Hopefully that will insulate me more from pain. It is the strangest feeling to have to go to such lengths for self-protection from someone who was my WORLD for 23 years and whom I had full and complete trust in up till 5 weeks ago, but I guess that proves that things can change drastically overnight and we have no control over that.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Oh and the settlement is just a separation agreement that protects my present and future assets and his. There is nothing on there about divorce or anything. This is what my lawyer suggested I do to protect myself, then she said after that sit back. If he files he does, if he doesn't he doesn't, I don't have to do any more to protect myself financially and he won't be able to later change any terms in the event of a divorce.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
