How long have you been paying for this cell phone that she's been using to communicate with the OM? And you're only now telling her that you're going to stop paying for it?! Why did it take you so long?
Her thoughts "he's paying for my cell phone and I use this thing to contact OM, LOL! he has no clue LOL!"
Now how could she invest any emotional energy in a positive way with you after you've been enabling this for so long?
We have had a joint bank account for 14 years. ALL of my money and ALL of her money went into this account. We paid ALL the bills out of this account and each spent money as we desired out of this account. After all, I considered it to be OUR money because I loved her and we were working together as a FAMILY. As soon as she filed for D, I opened my own account and stopped paying her phone bill. She filed on June 12th or so.
Originally Posted By: robx
Attraction isn't a conscious decision, it's an emotional response, the OM has triggered some serious attraction with her, that's why she's treating you like crap and you're response? Treat her with kid gloves, pay her bills, take crap from her and boy oh boy, that's sexy!!!!
You don't change the way she thinks, if it was that easy I'd be in your brain right now running the show LOL!
You trigger attraction with your wife (or any other woman for that matter) by exhibiting behaviors which are attractive.
Being confident, commanding respect from others (you currently get zero respect from her), leading your life, taking crap from no one, being assertive, not being a doormat, seriously I could list a ton of things.
Trying to do these things. I WAS a doormat for 5 months because I WAS scared of losing her. I am no longer SCARED.
Originally Posted By: robx
It seems whenever you open your mouth with your wife, you lose some ground. Start limiting your conversations and communication with her. Start taking care of yourself, start going out regularly, stop giving her information as to your whereabouts, start being a great dad to your kids and.... social interaction with other women. I'm not telling you to hump the next lady you come in contact with but I am telling you to go out and make some lady friends and go out for coffee, drinks, shopping for you, maybe some dinner, basically if she is so into her other man, we'll give her exactly what she wants freedom from you but.... here's the catch, you're getting freedom from her. Up until this point, this has all been HER decision, what happens when you start to move on and she really feels that you've dropped the rope, you're moving in the opposite direction, instead of pursuing her, you're moving away from her, I'm guessing and this is just my opinion, you trip off a few attraction triggers and get an emotional response from her because you're making the decision now to let her go and move on.
It's not logical when you think about it from your point of view but that doesn't mean it doesn't work.
Right, I'm trying. I have been doing a TON with the kids and other friends. No single or other women though. It is tough to even think about. I think I am going to go out with my brother this weekend. He is single, so maybe that will help. Last time I ended-up breaking down though, but that was on June 18th. I am now one month stronger.
Thanks for all the traffic guys, I don't think I really need help on the financial side (or maybe I do), but I really need help figuring out what Coach is telling me to do. It's all this touchy feely stuff that I don't get.
TRUST me, Dan, the two are very much interconnected.
Your woman wants you to provide for her, be her partner and protect the family from threats. Women need the security. A OM, her poor behavior,injury/illness, financial strain and kids acting up are threats to the family. She wants the leader of the home to protect the house. Yet at the same time she doesn't want to be bored. No emotional, physical, emotional or spiritual stimulation causes boredom. That's why your women getting angry at you is no big deal it's not boring to her. She want's you to stand up to her. That's exciting to a chick. It's drama to a guy but to her it's attractive. You are a leader, you are strong enougth to weather her emotional outbursts, you love her enough to not let her be the leader of the family(a job she doesn't want) and you don't let her emotions control your day.
Lead the family and be her man. Then all your dreams come true.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I give each of my three kids an allowance of 5 dollars every Friday while grocery shopping and say "Spend it wisely"......It's typically gone that day.....Later on in the week I hear "Dad, I want XYZ, can I get it?...I respond "Absolutely, as long as it is age appropriate, you can spend your money on anything you want"...."But dad I don't have any money"...."I guess you will have to save up for that if you really want it"..I DO NOT LET THEIR EMOTIONS OR REACTIONS CHANGE MY DECISIONS..I just validate "I am sorry you feel that way"..."I know, there are things I want but cant afford also"...Real world lessons at low cost....
You need to LEAD. Time for reality.
70/30 split. THIS IS NOT NEGOTIABLE. Real world bills get paid. Mortgage always get paid first. Then Utilities. Then food for the kids. Natural consequence FOR HER. "Time to pay mortgage, I need your 30%"
If she doesn't give it to you "I am sorry you are making poor choices". You cover the mortgage and CANCEL CABLE (without telling her). Wait for her to bring it up..."Mortgage needed to get paid". Understand the logic????
Let her buy all the groceries with HER money......
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
AMEN! In fact, my early posts as a WAW had some clear issues over the fact OM "appeared" to be very capable of giving me the financial security that my H wasn't. I'm not saying that the money was the key.....but the fact my H wasn't getting up hitting the time card and putting in a day's work, and the fact I was afraid of losing our home and everything else....that was getting to me big time. It was the lack of security I felt with him not putting forth the "efforts" to insure me that I would be protected and have a place to live.
Thank you, Coach, for speaking up about the boredom issue. I also posted of how I had been bored to death for so many years. I was blasted by some LBS's. I might have been the WAW, but I was speaking the truth and I won't back away from it. Boredom is a very dangerous thing for some women.
Quote:
Lead the family and be her man. Then all your dreams come true.
Be her man.....yes, that sounds good. Don't act like a boring, passive, husband. That doesn't sound very sexy, does it?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
1) Confidence (I've never been very confident) 2) Strength/Power (not physical) 3) Fun 4) Physical Attractiveness 5) Supportive, makes her feel good
#1 is very important right now. You got it right....WORK ON THAT. Project confidence. Puppy,Coach,Gucci,Robx all give great words that confident men use....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Your woman wants you to provide for her, be her partner and protect the family from threats. Women need the security. A OM, her poor behavior,injury/illness, financial strain and kids acting up are threats to the family. She wants the leader of the home to protect the house. Yet at the same time she doesn't want to be bored. No emotional, physical, emotional or spiritual stimulation causes boredom. That's why your women getting angry at you is no big deal it's not boring to her. She want's you to stand up to her. That's exciting to a chick. It's drama to a guy but to her it's attractive. You are a leader, you are strong enougth to weather her emotional outbursts, you love her enough to not let her be the leader of the family(a job she doesn't want) and you don't let her emotions control your day.
Lead the family and be her man. Then all your dreams come true.
Thanks for the specifics Coach. I am trying to stand up now and I will. No more of this BS. It is crunch time and she will have to deal with her mess. I'm done letting her walk all over me. I am not afraid of losing her anymore. I thought I was being nice, doing what she wanted, letting her lead, but you are right, that is not what she wants. Hopefully it is not too late.......
AMEN! In fact, my early posts as a WAW had some clear issues over the fact OM "appeared" to be very capable of giving me the financial security that my H wasn't. I'm not saying that the money was the key.....but the fact my H wasn't getting up hitting the time card and putting in a day's work, and the fact I was afraid of losing our home and everything else....that was getting to me big time. It was the lack of security I felt with him not putting forth the "efforts" to insure me that I would be protected and have a place to live.
Thank you, Coach, for speaking up about the boredom issue. I also posted of how I had been bored to death for so many years. I was blasted by some LBS's. I might have been the WAW, but I was speaking the truth and I won't back away from it. Boredom is a very dangerous thing for some women.
Quote:
Lead the family and be her man. Then all your dreams come true.
Be her man.....yes, that sounds good. Don't act like a boring, passive, husband. That doesn't sound very sexy, does it?
Thanks Sandi. I thought I had given her everything she wanted. Even when the MC asked her what she wanted, she said security and stability. He said, well, you got what you wanted, didn't you? I don't think she knows what she wants.
It is easy to get bored when you have kids and your life becomes more grounded. My W was a high risk sex offender specialist, and that changed her. In addition to that, she had massive separation anxiety from our kids. She wouldn't let anyone babysit, so we never went out much after we had kids. Before we had kids, we partied like rock stars, all the time. I was ok with the boredom, but apparently, she was not. That has come back to bite me, but I don't feel like that was my fault, although she blames me for it. All I wanted was to be with my W. i didn't care if we were at home or wherever. I still feel that way, but as dday says, she is acting like an unruly teenager at age 44. I would love to act that way also, but we have kids and it just isn't possible. I would love to get a sitter and go out, but she just wants to "go out with the girls", and meet new and interesting men. Unfortunately for her, most aren't going to have what I have to offer. I tried so hard to change for her, but none of it seems to matter.
I am done being passive and will now lead the way that I think things should be. If she doesn't like it and still wants to leave, so be it. There is nothing else I can do. I did everything she said she wants and still got rejected repeatedly. There is only so much rejection that a man can take.
I'm not ready yet, but when I am, I am going to focus all my energy on a new relationship and it will be better than anything W and I have had in the past. I don't think she understands what she is passing up. It is just so hard to get there.
Changing matters for you at the moment, not her. Do not forget what you are accomplishing. You will be a better father and a better everything while she is still a lost sole searching for what you have found. You will have found a new and better life for you with or without another relationship.
I believe that is what DBing is all about. I know it ain't easy!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
W's birthday and our wedding anniversary both occur on July 20th. I was thinking that I would take the kids to get her a gift and card from them for her birthday and do nothing from me for either. Not even acknowledge the anniversary.
