I am pursuing a healthier lifestyle. I am doing new things and also taking responsibility for my home, my mistakes, and my failures.
I am OWNING my mistakes. I am repairing them, and I am keeping my promises no matter what.
Going it alone really, really scares me. Because no matter what I do, no matter how much the changes in my life may affect her, now EVERYONE in her life will be telling her to stick with the divorce.
She will move out and move on. She is do determined to move on with her life, she will pursue it until she feels that I am a billion miles away. No matter what that takes.
I am scared to continue, but I am terrified to give up.
You said this wasn't for the faint of heart. I am TRYING to stick this out and just work through all the pain.
Puppy's story gave me real hope. But he didn't have to go it alone. Did you Allen?
I mean are some spouses sooooo far gone that DB actually pushes them out the door faster?
I am NOT going to be pushed into selling this house. Plain as that. I am not going to be forced into a crappy apt while she goes off and buys a condo. That ain't happening.
But it still tears me apart that the woman I love is so dead set on leaving me, that she will beg to her parents for money, and live in an apartment she hates rather then be in a house with me.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
BTW, I have not heard about you going out with your friends, lifting some weights, riding your mountain bike, starting a drunken fight at a ball game...what have you done for yourself lately?
One of my first steps to getting back some hand was when I went out all day with friends. I was totally busy and actually forgot my situation at home. I realized, I went all day without her, without seeing her or thinking about her. It was the best day I had in more than a year. I actually didn't even want to go home.
In all of this what really sucks is thst she seems to be going to come out on top. She makes more than me and could afford to BUY a condo if we sold the house. I'd have to rent a crappy apt.
She has this huge outpouring of support from everyone. And I look like the bad guy. She stays so outwardly positive that it is hard to imagine she's hurting as bad as everyone says. Anytime she feels bad she calls someone.
You guys are right. I am too reactionary. I have no idea how to let go of the fear of things turning out better for her than me. I didn't choose this yet it feels like she wins no matter what. And she does it all with a smile on her face.
QS,
You need to have fun right now. Your main priority today is taking care of yourself and that will involve having fun, you will look better. Stay in the gym.
Do some bachelor fun activities. Make a whole day all about you and treating yourself. Go buy some new clothes, shoes and go out in them, see and be with females, etc, etc. You know what to do, just do it. Be that attractive man as its your best opportunity to get her back.
Also as you well know you can't push her or do whats logical. You know she's slightly out of her mind, nothing you are going to do to change it. You have to be the 'catnip' like they are saying here. You have to be that thing that she has to have and she's ocming to get it.
now EVERYONE in her life will be telling her to stick with the divorce
You do not know this. More defeatist precognition on your part.
Stop being so negative. How do you know, that your wife won't leave and 3 months later, you won't meet a nympho-maniac, cheerleader, aerobics instructor who loves beer, fishing and the three stooges?
Things are gonna get better one way or the other. I promise.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
This is just a horrible, horrible day. This is by far the darkest I have faced.
I WANT to keep fighting. I just need to work through this. I am willing to fight for my marriage by doing what is right.
It is just now that the affair is exposed and done with, it is really hard to see a path toward healing us together when she is just gone beyond belief.
I understand I can't pursue and all. I get all that.
YES I know I need to save me FIRST. But my ultimate goal is to save me, and in the process let her see that it can be worked through, and she will come around.
Has anyone here faced this dark a situation and actually saved their marriage?
Puppy I know you said you were done with me, but I could use your advice. You have been nothing but great to me, even when my emotions get the best of me.
See, I used to bottle my emotions up ALL the time. Part of my DB work is to let me feel them. And I really don't know how quite yet. I apologize if I am too much sometimes.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 07/14/1008:52 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Yes, absolutely, some get balls and save their marriages, and at one point most of them sounded like you (myself included).
OK, the ultimate goal is to save you. Start working on that. Concentrate on only that. You can let her see but you absolutely cannot make her see. You have little over a month at this stuff. My observation is it takes as much as 6 months for the changes to sink in.
You busted up the affair, good. How much are you interacting with her lately. She is gone a fair amount, correct? What happens when she is home? You might want to try to avoid her a bit. Try to avoid R talks, house sale talks, affair talks, avoid talking to her parents. Maybe try to make yourself sort of scarce when she IS home. I am guessing that you might be hovering and/or pursuing a bit. Try to lay low when she is home. Be out or busy. I think a simple goal might be to try to have a peaceful day or two around the house so the pressure cooker can ease a bit.
Do not get sucked into convos about D or R. Just shoot for relative calm. If you could get a few days of that, maybe you could build in it.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
Do not open until you are ready to deal with any consequences.
Even in the best case, things will be ugly, and there is certainly no guarantee of success. In my opinion busting the affair before you are ready may be as dangerous as not busting it at all.
Even in the best case, things will be ugly, and there is certainly no guarantee of success. In my opinion busting the affair before you are ready may be as dangerous as not busting it at all.
I agree. However, when I find that people aren't ready, I advise them to do what it takes to GET ready, because separating the addict from the source of their addiction is still the best, first order of business.
