Eric..I know I'm afraid and insecure. i think I have talked about that in this thread somewhere. If not, then I am admitting it now. Yes, I am afraid and yes I am insecure. when someone rejects you it makes you feel like you're worthless. Even tho I know I'm not. I do have moments where I just cave because I think "what if it's true" even if it's just for a moment. And unfortunately those are the moments you guys get to see. Most of the time I do believe I'm a great person. And know I can even be better. The afraid part..well I have NEVER lived alone. And I don't want to do it..I'm afraid to do it.
When I first met my H, I had been divorced about a year. He was newly separated. I was thin, confident, had a great job, a house, raising my 3 kids alone. ya, that's changed. So I do understand why I'm not the most desireable person right now. and ya, it took this thing to shock me back into reality. I am becoming that person again, but it's taking some time. I don't think he wants to wait for me to get myself back. And the damage he's doing in the meantime might just make me want to move on.
I know he's sick, but honestly I don't know if I want to be with someone who could treat me like this. Even if a person is sick, they still know the difference between right and wrong..the difference between honesty and being an outright lier and cheat, the difference between respect and treating someone like crap..like you wouldn't even treat someone you hated.
I know you guys here in MLC advocate the good fight..however long and whatever you have to do to hang in there. But man..he is ugly and twisted..and he may NEVER change. I could hang in there for 10 years waiting for this thing to work out, for my used- to- be- wonderful husband to stop shi##ing on me..and even if I do find me and am happy with me..I will have missed out on 10 years of happiness with someone who would treat me with respect and love, and instead hung around while some treated me like crap. If I'm thinking about ME, then that's not really being fair to me, is it?
I'm not asking you guys to talk me into staying..I'm just trying to understand why a LBS should stay and subject themselves to this horror on a daily basis. And don't say it's because I love him..I love my dogs too..but if one of them mauled me, I'd have him put to sleep.
