21 years of marriage hanging by a thread

[Young at Heart]

I'm guessing the answer is...it doesn't matter what you call it. I need to take care of me.

I think you understand things! It really doesn't matter what you call your wife's actions, the actions you need to take are pretty clear.

I wish you and your family the best of luck. It will likely be hard, but you can get through things.

I would change your summary to:

You need to take care of your children, then take care of yourself (as your children need a healthy father who has the financial resources and love to take care of them as they deal with the stress of their mother's self-destructive & addictive behavior), then if you have anything left over you can help your wife (who may soon be your ex-wife, but will always be the mother of your children).

Again, God bless you and your family and good luck.