Pretty sure its a MLC, now what?

[Truegritter]

he just said that they were good friends.

Lala there are friends and then there are freinds of the M.

It disturbs me that he describes them as good friends.

IMO any "good" friends should also know the spouse.

IF

Each is committed to the M.

He only told you they are good friends after you confronted him.

And to explain why he knows detail about someone that he works with that workers normally don't share.

Hi my name is Truegritter and I work in accounting. Oh BTW my family life is really f@cked up. Want to get a beer after work?


KWIM?

I am not trying to get you all riled up here Lala

But

Also don't close your eyes to what's happening.

Your M is going no where until he commits to it.

Do you want to live in an open M?

If he has already admitted to an EA then

He should respect that you would be a little concerned by this.

Like Jack says, trust but verify.

If he doesn't then, well you just got a good bit of information.

Your going to be chasing your tail until this is addressed IMO

If its MLC then there is a different approach recommended here than just a WAS.

Do you know this woman?

[lala09]

he just said that they were good friends.

Lala there are friends and then there are freinds of the M.

Before all of this, I am pretty sure that all of our friends were friends of the M. The last 8 months are completely out of character for him.

Your going to be chasing your tail until this is addressed IMO

If its MLC then there is a different approach recommended here than just a WAS.

Do you know this woman?

Yes, I will be chasing my tail. But how do I confront him? When I left, I said I was done. Since then we've been friendly and he knows that I'm not returning home with expectations of him. I haven't come out and plainly said that I still want to work on things because I don't want to pressure him. So as I return home, I don't know where his head is.

And, yes, I know who she is, but I have never met her in person. I have a good friend who knows her though (I'm not sure how well, but she has alluded to this girls messy divorce as being really shady). She is someone who I would trust would be up front with me if I pursued finding out more.

Bah, I hate that this was brought to the forefront of my mind again.

[MHL]

lala,
I would say that you continue on just as before, that is, you focus on you, GALing and making you a better YOU. Additionally if you get back to the place where you are nuturing the friendship with your H then do so without expectations.

The other mental exercise you have to implement is not letting your mind run away with itself, meaning concocting what your H may or may not be doing when you are not with him, this is the detaching part. Easier said than done for sure.

As far as this "work" friend goes, you don't know anything and you have no reason to suspect anything. You are not even back in the house yet, wait until you get back and get a routine going and there is some interaction with your H.

Right now you have a great list of things you are going to do for YOU. Don't worry about him right now, again easier said than done I know.

If and when you and your H are spending time together again and if the time is right you may be able to "set a boundary" with him. I am not suggesting that you do this now and there are many more experts on these boards that could advise you better than me, but you could say something to your H like:

H, I would prefer that you not talk about your relationship with your female co-workers given your history with OW#1, I feel hurt, betrayed and uneasy when you talk about _______(co-workers name).

If you and your H get to a point where you guys agree to work on the M then it may even be appropriate to give your H a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. IMO you would only do this within the context of working on the M, someone else may want to chime in here...Puppy, Mach, Allen????

You don't want to come across as trying to fix him, but after hiding an EA for 7 months, having female "good" friends is not going to "get it" in a reconciled M. EA is cheating just as much as a PA is.

[Truegritter]

Jack just posted to Taylor on another thread

"An MLCer that comes home without regret or remorse? Don't trust them."

If he IS engaging in other R with OW

Then

YOU must decide what it is that YOU can accept.

How will you know?

Look YOU have to decide what you want here.

If you want your M. IMO it's ok to tell him that.

Then

Just go about your business like he is never coming back.

He is going to do what he is going to do regardless of whether you know of it or not.

So

If he is ready to commit to your M

He will act that way.

If he isn't you'll get more of the same.

And Maybe worse.

Point is YOU can't control him.

So do for YOU.

Take care of YOU

[lala09]

Thanks guys - your insight and support help to slow my heart rate and not let me get too crazy...for now I'm trying really hard to control my mind from racing by thinking 'He's just not that into you, so chill the frick out!'

I just want to get to this weekend. I know that H will be with our very dear friends, and I am getting away with my girlfriends - I think we both need this weekend after the recent events. And I know I need to give myself some grace because I am frustrated by a silly little email...so much for trying not to have expectations! For now, I think I need to read the detach article for the 100th time.

[MHL]

so chill the frick out!'

Can we say "frick" on here......oops LOL

[lala09]

It's been a whirlwind few days! I spent the week on a girls get away that was an absolute blast! It was a huge confidence booster because sometimes I feel anger/fear toward my H about moving forward b/c I feel like I'm 'used goods'. But, I am really beginning to believe that this momma's still got it!

I am also now back home. Ahhh, it feels good to be here. Lots of opportunities that are just beginning. I had an interview yesterday and have another tomorrow. I'm so excited to figure out who I am again and have a lot of great people around to support me.

H has been around quite a bit to see DD. The interactions between him and I have been good - light and friendly. No R talks. I am working really hard on trying to let go of expectations, because I still find myself having to work on my reactions when he tells me about upcoming business trips, or not being able to attend certain things. One day at a time!

So now my question is about boundaries for myself. I don't want to sound like I'm super into myself, but I got a lot of attention from the boys this past weekend and it was nice. One (who is aware of my 'baggage') has even been texting me. I've seen on here before that a lot of people think that pursuing other relationships doesn't work when DBing, and I want to know more about that. I am very careful with my interactions with this new friend b/c I am well aware that I could just be excited about having someone to talk to and who shows interest in me after those things have been lacking for the past 8 months.

[ericmsant2]

Lala

One question I have for YOU...

Do YOU feel that you are ready for a new R?

It really does not matter what I or anyone esle thinks for that matter. What do you think?

I am well aware that I could just be excited about having someone to talk to and who shows interest in me after those things have been lacking for the past 8 months.

Do you think that you may be a bit vulnerable right now? Just askin...

Eric

[lolawar]

Lala- IMO and from my experience...you might want to hold off. You are the only one that truly knows if you are ready or not. Make sure you jump in for the right reasons.

I felt the same way you did- I loved the attention, the interest, the validation of being wanted again. It lasted just over 2 months and it fizzled on my end very quickly. I just wasn't at all ready for it. My friends think that my R was a good thing- it kind of got me over the hump...but I really wish I didn't need that R to have gotten me over 'the hump'. Plus- I hurt someone that really didn't deserve to be hurt. Yes..he knew what my situation was...but at the same time- I was so excited about all the newness- he thought that I was over my M and that I was doing just fine- which was the furthest thing from the truth.

It ended up causing me a lot of unnecessary stress and complication in an already stressful/complicated time in my life. Just food for thought.

[Truegritter]

Lala

There is a difference between moving on (new relationship) and moving forward.

The latter being the process we engage in here. That process focuses on the growth of the LBS.

When we come here we have had a severe blow to our emotions, self esteem, views on love and have questions about everything in our life.

Our advice has been to focus on you and yes not to enter into any other R while you are in this process.

Why?

It inhibits the work the LBS has to do and you will gloss over the issues that must be faced or you risk carrying them into other relationships.

Lola is good peroson to give you this advice we have been on here together running parallel paths. She got the same advice and decided to engage in a R.

So you have it from someone who has just gone through it.

It is detachment by distraction and it makes you lose the focus on where it should be...

On you.