Steve, re your comments, are you telling me that I will never have a future with her due to my actions of the past? Sandi and Robx have indicated that she probably brought those were up as excuses. She is hurting from some of that, dont get me wrong, but I have admitted to fault, and I was totally wrong. When you say I "sexually abused" her you make is sound so much worse.. It wasnt like that at all. I have asked her for forgiveness long ago. I cant do much more than that. I have taken Robx take on it and told her specifically that if she feels that those issue's are the reason for us not being together, then I accept that and lets move on. I have told her that. This conversation has not come up since.
sandi, mr Bond and Talia, yes.. Each day gets better at letting go... Logic does not work, I agree.
Just a furthur up date for today. I read a messages on her phone today. Snooping I guess. One of her "male" friends from work,that I believe has been all over my wife. Nothing confirmed though. Has indicated to my W that his wife told him that she was having an affair.. HOW IRONIC IS THAT!!>... i WAS SOOOOOOO happy because my W reponse to him was that she tried to tell him to talk to his friends and take care of his kids.. I hope he tells my W how his life is now ruined because of this.... I know I shouldnt be happy, but who cares.. He deserves it. I know he has hit on my wife and she confirmed that to me too.. He has got to be the ugliest guy I have ever seen.. He looks like ET!!...
I am much better today and much stronger. I am walking around home like I just dont care. Just working with my kids. For the W, I pay very little attention.. Thank you for always chiming in.. Means alot. Its tough as you all know and each and every day get better.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
I have taken Robx take on it and told her specifically that if she feels that those issue's are the reason for us not being together, then I accept that and lets move on. I have told her that. This conversation has not come up since.
Cesco - I'm sorry, I have to ask you this, at the risk of magnifying the situation within your M, BUT... How did you word this conversation? Did you ask her, and was it a give and take conversation, OR did you tell her I've apologized, asked for your forgiveness, so forever hold your peace if you're still here...? Did she accept your apology, and agree to stay? I ask because your wording sounds like you TOLD her this stuff, and didn't discuss and request forgiveness, etc... Could just be your wording here!!!
Glad you're seeing an IC, and glad you're feeling stronger!
Last edited by mindfull; 03/28/1011:03 PM.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
she tells me that the reason we cannot be intimate is because of the reminder of that day. It was the day that I broke her.
This was a quote from your first post. So, I think it is in very, very bad taste for you to make sexual "jokes" to her about having something stiff. Do you not understand that whenever you make sexual jokes that it brings everything back about that time for her?
I may be wasting my breath, I hope not. For years I tried to tell my H something he was doing sexually that I did not appreciate. It turned me off, but he just kept on doing it. Just b/c he liked it and couldn't understand why I wouldn't like it....did not change the reality that I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
So, please take heed and stop with the sexual funnies b/c it is not funny to her. I suspect anything sexual where you are concerned would not be funny for a long time. Does it mean you have no future based on your past actions? Maybe. Other behaviors in the past can change the future, but I strongly encourage you to stop with the vulgar comments to her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I dont mean to interupt your conversation. I havent been here in a long time and Im not sure where to post message.
My husband moved out a month ago after I found out he was seeing ow that he had affair with 2 yrs ago. I am so heartbroken. He is living with his mother about 1 mile away, and I am constantly driving by her street to see if hes home to put my mind at rest that he is not with ow. I have been going through this for 3 yrs and i feel like I cant take anymore. My h was everything to me and I have no support system except my christian counselor, thank god. I also have my son with me he is 16 and it makes me sad what his father has done to him. He is such a good kid he goes to a catholic H.S so thank god he has his faith. My h is into alot of dark stuff like porno, heavy metal, and Howard Stern all day. and he is a spendaholic. But very ambitious and successful with his own business, but also a workaholic. I felt I always came last on his list. But there are things that I love about him like his sense of humor, and intelligence. I know I have to GAL but im feeling very down and find it difficult to meet new friends.
Sandi, I love when you chim in.. Mindfull and Robx you too..
But yes, the verbage I used I expressed exactly how Rob had told me. It was a couple months ago so I didnt say it exactly on here now.
As for the sexual comments. I understand. Truthfully, I havent said much to her in that way. I know this will take time.
At this point I can honestly say that detaching myself from her is becoming easier. In fact I am starting to resent her. I feel that I cannot be to blame for the whole thing.. Here is my point to this. W tells me that her feelings for me changed years ago. That we lost connection years ago. So, to me the sexual incident really is something she uses against me. I have brought that up and she never has a comment after I bring it up that way... I am not trying to minimize the hurt that I caused her but trying to not make it the reason for our situation.. Not sure if I explained very well..
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Mind, when we discussed that issue I responded to her by saying " I understand why you would feel this way and I am sorry you feel this way." I continued by repeating that I understand why she feels that way and if in her heart she feels that she cannot forgive me and she wants to split then that is what we will do. I had appologised numerous times and had also asked her to forgive me numerous times.
I will say I have talked to my sister at length about this. She tells me that it's just an excuse to justify her behaviour towards me. My sister tells me that my W was hinting to her a couple years ago that she sometimes felt that she just wanted to be alone. My sister wished she had paid closer attention to those comments. She was going through crap of her own. My sister has gone over comments made by my W that now she had hoped that she picked up on it.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
rysmom,go into the Newcomers forum and click on new topic (I think). It's been a long time for me also. But that should get you going on your own thread.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Steve, re your comments, are you telling me that I will never have a future with her due to my actions of the past?
I know a teenager addicted to heroin. I have been volunteering to "babysit" and stay up all night so she doesnt sneak out of the house to get high. Its rough to watch this young kid laying there going through withdrawals or throwing a fit, destroying things and beating on me as I guard the doors and windows.
Everyone deserves a second chance.
Who is willing to give you one and if you deserve it depends solely on you.
I dont know you from adam's house cat, but I can understand how what happened in the past can be a big deal with what is going on with your wife now. And I can see how she may have held it supressed for however long and when she felt stronger about herself or something else you did pissed her off or she just couldnt hold in it anylonger or you didnt over the years "make it right in her eyes," it became a deal breaker.
Think of it this way, infidelity happens to alot of couples. Some end immediately; some survive; and some make things work for years then the hurt and fears and pain resurface and there may nothing that can be done to make it go away. If you were the cheater, you may be thinking, its in the past, I have paid my pennance and stayed with you, I deserve forgiveness after all this time. But it may just be too much of a burden for the others soul to carry.
I agree with what your IC is telling you. You cannot make this out to be you are angry about the current conditions and you are going to "Stand Up Like A Man" and make changes. You may just hear the final, "F**K OFF A-HOLE." Or your wife may just take the hurt longer and what good is that relationship for her or you.
A more loving approach guided by understanding and realization that "love" and feelings change many times over during the course of a lifetime may be your best answer. To exclude and hurt her further will pave your path to demise.
Learn to make yourself happy despite the current situation, show her understanding and try to include her in this happiness when she is willing to accept it. I didnt say there was no future. I said you threw yourself a cliff with your comments.
Sometimes you learn alot about yourself as you are falling.
Steve, I thank you for clearing that up.. I felt that it just wasnt possible based on your earlier comments. I really do like this line:
"Learn to make yourself happy despite the current situation, show her understanding and try to include her in this happiness when she is willing to accept it."
Makes lots of sense.. I have 3 children, and I am learning to make muself happy despite the current situation.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
Well, its been awhile since I posted. I have been viewing and making comments on posts but not update my own situation.
Here it is in a nutshell!.
As of 10:30 am this morning I am now separated. W will be moving out on July 30th and our current home up for sale. No takers yet, slow market. Hopefully it will go.
We told the kids about a month ago and they are hurt..
I am not gonna lie, but it is extremly dissapointing. Upwards and onwards I guess. As you have all mentioned, I need to let go. This is what is happening now.
We came to this conclusion and I listened to her and validated that if this is what she wants then we need to proceed.
Its been very tough for me as I see my D10 really hurt by this. She just isnt herself right now. I took the kids with me to Cancun for 1 week and kids had a great time. FOr me, ups and downs. I know I need to get over this. I guess in time it will happen. For now, this day has been the hardest day of my life. Even when my father died I didnt feel so bad.
I will let go, try to GAL more.
Question for you all.. My W purchased within 10 minutes from me. She tells me that once she moves in she would like to be able to drop the kids off at my place while she goes to work becasue all of the kids friends are here. At first I said I guess so as I dont want to hurt them as this is overwhelming in itself. Now, I think its not the best plan. In my mind she didnt ask or consult us in her decision to break up the family the way she is doing. I am saying no to her and not the children.. Your thoughts
This has been a very emmotional time. I have made lots of mistakes. I guess once she moves out that possibly the healing will begin for both of us.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
