It's been several weeks since I have posted, largely due to my DB coach who, believe it or not, recommended that I stay off the boards for awhile.
There hasn't been much of anything going on lately. We are in a rut and my W is most often distant and cold with me. In many ways she still depends on me around the house, and if she asks for a favor the tone of her voice is usually MUCH friendlier.
She takes our two kids to her sister's house every day around 3pm where they hang out with her two twin girls. The kids have fun running around, and I always get a txt message letting me know where they are. So, on my way home from work I go directly to my SIL's house to see my kids. We stay for about an hour or two and then go home.
When we are there my W is usually pretty good with me and acts a little "wifey." Everyone knows our sitch so there's nothing to hide. Last night, for instance, they invited us to stay for dinner and my W turned to me and asked if I wanted to stay, and left the call up to me.
I have remained extremely consistent over the past 5 months, and I remain dedicated, caring, attentive and friendly. But I more often than not feel like my W is "gone." The relations are friendly and that's all.
My kids have become very attached to me and they get very excited when I arrive. She is aware of all I do, but I feel like she just won't give an inch.
My W's personal therapist called my therapist and left a message asking how I was doing. I know she didn't call to pass the time, so I signed a release form and permitted my therapist to talk to her.
If I am going to think the worst (I am good at that), I assume she is calling to see if I have come to terms yet with my W's feelings and desire to S. I was advised by my DB coach to avoid all talks about the R since there is nothing good to talk about and let my actions speak for me. Sad thing is that my actions I fear are falling on deaf ears.
My sister sent our C a birthday invite for her son who is turning 3. It's a Toy Story-themed party on the beach. My W has avoided contact with my family since dropping the bomb. But she opened the invite on her own and told me about it, adding how excited the boys were to see Buzz Lightyear on the invite. I started to think she might actually come to the party. The party is this Sunday. Our 8th wedding A is on the 20th.
If she doesn't come I may point out to her that by avoided events with my F we are not providing consistency for the kids. I come to her events and she avoids mine. The kids will wonder why M doesn't come. If she comes I will consider it very significant since she hasn't come in contact with my F in 5 months. I'd say it's 70-30 she doesn't come. I don't know why she would allow me to chase two 2 years olds around all day and not be there for them.
On the out of character front, I got a haircut and highlighted what's left of my hair. It took her 3 days to notice. We went swimming with the kids and after we got out she said, "Why is your hair red?" Not, it looks good or anything like that. Just, "What did you do?" I like it.
I am just so nearing the end of my rope. I told my T that I have such amazing clarity on what's important in my life now that this happened. I told my T my priorities. They are still my wife, my kids and my family. That will never change.
