So this morning, I am going down the stairs and she asks me write a check to pay the babysitter. I said, "ok, but since our court date has been delayed, I would like to come to some kind of agreement as to how the bills are going to be split going forward. 50/50 works for me."
W: I can't pay 50% of the bills.
Me: OK, make a proposal as to what you can pay.
Then she started to get heated and loud.
W: I'm not talking about this. You are just doing this because you are mad!
Me: No, I am just tired of financing all of your entertainment. I have been paying all the bills and you need to start paying your share.
W: You haven't been paying all the bills. I paid the cable bill and bought groceries and have been running out to buy coke.
Me: I've paid for your car repairs, insurance, utilities, furniture, electronics, mortgage, etc., etc.
Me: Ok, let's write it all down going forward and keep track of it.
W: Ok, well then I'm getting the court date moved up.
Me: Good. I wanted this to go today. Get it moved up!
W: I can't pay 50% and you know, I don't get paid for the work I do around here.
Missed a chance to tell her that she needs to get a job that she gets paid for then! Go full time!!
Me: Ok, make a proposal on what you can afford. 60/40? 70/30? I'm not paying the mortgage until we have an agreement in place and you pay your share.
W: Ok, then let's not pay any of the bills.
Me: Ok.
W: You are the finance whiz. You can probably figure out what I can afford to pay.
Me: It is not my job to figure out how to finance your divorce. What was your attorney going to propose today?
W: I don't know.
Me: That is part of the problem.
W: So you are saying you are not going to pay the mortgage?
Me: Not until we have an agreement in place.
Later she is in the kitchen with me and says something about me moving out. I said, you are the one who wants the divorce, you move out. She said I'm not going anywhere and goes back upstairs to finish getting ready for work.
Before I leave for work, I go upstairs and say, "I didn't meant to yell about this stuff, but you got all belligerent with me. All I want is an agreement on what we are each going to pay, similar to what we would have gotten in court today. Think about it today and we can talk tonight."
W says - "are you going to write a check for the babysitter then ($80). So I say yes. She says, "Ok, then you can take $30 out of my purse. So I did.
When I left she was still upstairs and I said "Bye." She also said bye.
She is going to stew on this all day and it is going to eat her-up.
A few things to note:
For someone who was apparently afraid to anger their wife, that was a pretty good exchange between the two of you if it's accurate.
She can afford to take the kids and other kids to a theme park but can't write a cheque for the babysitter? Priorities anyone? Plus if she is working part-time, what's the need for a babysitter?
Get her to agree to paying certain bills and also let her know that you will stop paying certain bills.
When she mentioned moving the court date up, it was her attempt to scare you into submission, if you didn't see that before, you should recognize it now, the fact that she uses this method to get what she wants from you tells me it's worked in the past, stand your ground like you did, agree with her, tell her to move the date up, call her bluff, it's ok, in fact I think it's a requirement. Get used to standing up to her.
Apologizing for raising your voice wasn't a requirement, you don't need to apologize, did she apologize to you for getting "heated and loud"? Probably not.
Also I would stop paying all of the bills until she commits to pay a fixed number of bills, things she can handle and you don't have to worry about it impacting her entertainment - why should you finance her theme park excursion with your kids and other kids if you aren't even there to enjoy it?
Plus you openly admit that she cooks dinner at home for herself and the kids but doesn't bother to wait for you or prepare a plate? Really? That's disrespectful and call her on it. She either waits for you so that you can share a meal with your children (not her) or you tell her to make enough for you to eat since you live there and pay the bulk of the bills and manage all of the household finances, it would be nice to eat some food that she prepares for everyone else, if she can't do that then you can stop managing the bills, guess what, her cell phone stops working because the bill isn't paid, the internet isn't working because the bill isn't paid, the phone stops working because the bill isn't paid, the tv stops working because the bill isn't paid and then when she moans and groans about it, you tell her that since she isn't interested in worrying about if you're fed and taken care of, that you're not interested in making sure she's taken care of.
Another point I'll mention before closing this post, she won this exchange because you still didn't get her to agree to paying a portion of the bills regularly but she did get you to write a cheque for the babysitter. Next time just tell her you'll take care of that bill when she she starts paying her fair share of the bills.
It's not about you getting mad, it's about you moving on and dealing with reality and time for her to do the same, her excuse about not finding a full-time job is just that, an excuse and excuses don't explain and explanations don't excuse. That full-time job isn't going to mysteriously manifest itself when she's good and ready to get a full-time job, she's not that lucky.
When you say you're going to stop doing this or stop paying the bills, prepare to have your bluff called because she's testing you every step of the way and now that you know it, prepare to do the same with her.
You're not being angry, you're just respecting yourself enough to stop allowing her to disrespect you. Standing up to her and not being afraid of doing so will eventually get her to respect you, she can't respect you if she knows she can always get her way and always run over you, she is used to doing that, time to put up a speed bump in front of that doormat that you used to be, no more smooth rides until she starts respecting you.
