W says it is important for me to understand where she is and that she has a lot of hurt from our 18 years together. Sees nothing good from past relationship. Says she is looking for spiritual soul growth and believes we were put together for a reason but thinks that it is time to move on. No growth opportunities. Is glad to see me growing and changing but thinks it may be too late for us....however, not sure.
Says she wants love but does not think I can provide it to her. I say that I could provide that love but have been holding back while I reassess my feelings. I say that I feel something such as caring love but need to make sure my other feelings of attraction to her are real and not based on fear of loss. I do love her but do not want to say yet. Although I do tell her I think I love her.
W says if we could afford separation then she would leave today. Not divorce but a chance to be on her own. Wants to stay in town and set up a structured sep like a divorce. Wants to have kids during week and not leave them. Says that she still has a lot of hurt and pain seeing me everyday when I walk in door even though no more angry outbursts and disrespectful comments. Feels scars of unemotional relationship with me and believes only solution is to not see me everyday. I have offered separation opportunities but not sure if that is good enough.
W says it is the little things that I am doing that make a difference but does not believe that I can truly change after 22 years. Believes that I am who I am with my inability to show/share emotions and feelings. I tell her that I would love to show and share now but do not want to smother her.
W has no emotional connection to me. Says she has dropped the resentment and hate but now feels nothing towards me and does not understand why any positive feelings have come in to replace the negative. Believes that she is emotionally spent and has nothing more to offer our R and M. Says she is not willing to gamble that I can find my soul and reconnect. Does not want to expend any energy on me but wants to use that energy towards working on herself. Says that I should continue working on myself....she continues working on her self....she will commit to working on R but needs me to understand that possibility for her to also leave in the end if she cannot get feelings back are very real.
She is pretty determined to continue path out door. I thank her for giving me another chance and that working on our friendship is all that I can ask for now. I am glad we cannot afford a separation but I do tell her that if I could I would allow her to leave and accept her decision. She is happy that at least now "I get it".
I have bolded some points in this post that I think are very important for you to know about the person you have been married to for 22 years. It is NOT all that is at play right now - I read about the OM/old BF - I'll get to that in a minute. As I see it, you have to have two things going at once here. You have to SEE/HEAR/BELIEVE and LIVE what she is telling you (bolded). I recognize many of these things from my experience and I'm telling you, she's not messing with Sasquatch here. These are the real symptoms of a person who was replaced by a wife, mother, housekeeper, family accountant, nurse, doctor, cruise director, secretary... I read in your later post the letter where she introduced herself to you. Please, spend time in thought about this idea of your wife feeling she needed to introduce herself to you. It matters.
So that's one thing.
But at the SAME time, you cannot suffer any foolishness with this OM business. That needs to be over, transparent and no more sniffling about carrying the torch for him. Married adults may remember an old flame with fondness - but Big Girls know that the old BF ain't saving the day. He's in the past for a good reason.
What you don't want is to be caught in the LIMBO of "DMB, I want to leave for all the reasons I told you...but I can't b/c <fill in the blank>." Your position should be, "W, I hear you, I understand and I am sorry for overlooking YOU all of these years. I see you now and I want to work on my growth as a man who can partner with a woman. But if you feel you need to leave, that is what you should do. (This is where you make her put on the Big Girl Panties) Have you thought about moving in with a friend or maybe staying at a Residence Inn for as long as you can afford it?" Does she work, btw? If not, now is when you need to break it to her that she will have to have income to have this alone time. Otherwise, she's just whining and bringing everyone in the family down with her. Make sense?
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
