I must be dense....................... but I don't think they have been talking, lately anyway.
Who the hell do you think she's on the phone with dude?
I don't think it is him. I checked her last phone bill and there were no call from her cell to him. Also none on our home phone. His W is also checking his calls and texts. She is watching him like a hawk. I think they stopped talking about 3 weeks ago. Supposedly she is mad at him for not divorcing his own wife. They did do the text thing last night though and she lied to me about it.
I think she is on the phone with her gossip whore friend who I canfronted a while back most of the time. I hate that fing woman. She calls W 4 times a day. She also talks to her sister and I suppose some other friends. She gets home before me and gets the mail, so I don't suppose I will see another phone bill as she will destroy it. There is another way though..........
Should I bust her for texting him last night? I don't care anymore, right? If I ask her about it she will say "What is the difference, we are getting divorced anyway."
I could ask her if she had fun reading my emails.
I feel like I am a lame excuse for a DBer.......
You gotta get gossip whore out of there. I'd have the number blocked, don't say that you did it obviously.
Based on 2009 W2 incomes, the proportion is 83/17 with her working part-time. In court, I am going to conted that it should be based on her working full-time, which she is capable of and says she will do in time, but nobody knows what that time is except her. If we assume she is working full-time it is 71/29.
I was asking her to make a proposal because I was hoping she would give me a better split than 83/17.
I talked to our atty at the office about this and he said that she is entitled to the same spending money that I am.
She said last night that it is all OUR money and that I am discounting what she has done for the last 20 years.
I can propose 83/17 and still probably be better off than I am now, but I still have to find some way to get it from her.
I guess that I just don't pay the bills for things I don't care about if it comes down to it.
His W is also checking his calls and texts. She is watching him like a hawk. I think they stopped talking about 3 weeks ago. Supposedly she is mad at him for not divorcing his own wife.
Ok Dan, I think your progession here on yourself has blinded you.
Mmmm, excuse me: YOUR WIFE is mad at OM for not leaving HIS wife! Hello, anybody home? That could very well mean that YOUR wife is also mad at him for being stupid enough to get caught BY HIS WIFE while initiating a divorce with.....YOU. Thus, check the 'cheater forums'. What's the first thing they all do? Gee, I dunno same as mine, GET A NEW PHONE.
And her cutting off access to the mail, sorry had to giggle for sec buddy, virtually everything bleeping thing to have to with an account number in your name is now available on-line these days, including up to the minute phone records!
He Chi-town, they get a new phone when they are changing OM's?
If you do, you should be able to go into a nearby store and ask them to print up a copy of your bill for you.
Puppy
It is her phone only, in her name only. I have nothing to do with it. She will be paying that bill, but it will cut into what she gives me for anything else.
Did you read my post about how to hack into her account online using D's phone on the same plan? Is that illegal? I want to see who my D is calling and how often, right?
So this morning, I am going down the stairs and she asks me write a check to pay the babysitter. I said, "ok, but since our court date has been delayed, I would like to come to some kind of agreement as to how the bills are going to be split going forward. 50/50 works for me."
W: I can't pay 50% of the bills.
Me: OK, make a proposal as to what you can pay.
Then she started to get heated and loud.
W: I'm not talking about this. You are just doing this because you are mad!
Me: No, I am just tired of financing all of your entertainment. I have been paying all the bills and you need to start paying your share.
W: You haven't been paying all the bills. I paid the cable bill and bought groceries and have been running out to buy coke.
Me: I've paid for your car repairs, insurance, utilities, furniture, electronics, mortgage, etc., etc.
Me: Ok, let's write it all down going forward and keep track of it.
W: Ok, well then I'm getting the court date moved up.
Me: Good. I wanted this to go today. Get it moved up!
W: I can't pay 50% and you know, I don't get paid for the work I do around here.
Missed a chance to tell her that she needs to get a job that she gets paid for then! Go full time!!
Me: Ok, make a proposal on what you can afford. 60/40? 70/30? I'm not paying the mortgage until we have an agreement in place and you pay your share.
W: Ok, then let's not pay any of the bills.
Me: Ok.
W: You are the finance whiz. You can probably figure out what I can afford to pay.
Me: It is not my job to figure out how to finance your divorce. What was your attorney going to propose today?
W: I don't know.
Me: That is part of the problem.
W: So you are saying you are not going to pay the mortgage?
Me: Not until we have an agreement in place.
Later she is in the kitchen with me and says something about me moving out. I said, you are the one who wants the divorce, you move out. She said I'm not going anywhere and goes back upstairs to finish getting ready for work.
Before I leave for work, I go upstairs and say, "I didn't meant to yell about this stuff, but you got all belligerent with me. All I want is an agreement on what we are each going to pay, similar to what we would have gotten in court today. Think about it today and we can talk tonight."
W says - "are you going to write a check for the babysitter then ($80). So I say yes. She says, "Ok, then you can take $30 out of my purse. So I did.
When I left she was still upstairs and I said "Bye." She also said bye.
She is going to stew on this all day and it is going to eat her-up.
A few things to note:
For someone who was apparently afraid to anger their wife, that was a pretty good exchange between the two of you if it's accurate.
She can afford to take the kids and other kids to a theme park but can't write a cheque for the babysitter? Priorities anyone? Plus if she is working part-time, what's the need for a babysitter?
Get her to agree to paying certain bills and also let her know that you will stop paying certain bills.
When she mentioned moving the court date up, it was her attempt to scare you into submission, if you didn't see that before, you should recognize it now, the fact that she uses this method to get what she wants from you tells me it's worked in the past, stand your ground like you did, agree with her, tell her to move the date up, call her bluff, it's ok, in fact I think it's a requirement. Get used to standing up to her.
Apologizing for raising your voice wasn't a requirement, you don't need to apologize, did she apologize to you for getting "heated and loud"? Probably not.
Also I would stop paying all of the bills until she commits to pay a fixed number of bills, things she can handle and you don't have to worry about it impacting her entertainment - why should you finance her theme park excursion with your kids and other kids if you aren't even there to enjoy it?
Plus you openly admit that she cooks dinner at home for herself and the kids but doesn't bother to wait for you or prepare a plate? Really? That's disrespectful and call her on it. She either waits for you so that you can share a meal with your children (not her) or you tell her to make enough for you to eat since you live there and pay the bulk of the bills and manage all of the household finances, it would be nice to eat some food that she prepares for everyone else, if she can't do that then you can stop managing the bills, guess what, her cell phone stops working because the bill isn't paid, the internet isn't working because the bill isn't paid, the phone stops working because the bill isn't paid, the tv stops working because the bill isn't paid and then when she moans and groans about it, you tell her that since she isn't interested in worrying about if you're fed and taken care of, that you're not interested in making sure she's taken care of.
Another point I'll mention before closing this post, she won this exchange because you still didn't get her to agree to paying a portion of the bills regularly but she did get you to write a cheque for the babysitter. Next time just tell her you'll take care of that bill when she she starts paying her fair share of the bills.
It's not about you getting mad, it's about you moving on and dealing with reality and time for her to do the same, her excuse about not finding a full-time job is just that, an excuse and excuses don't explain and explanations don't excuse. That full-time job isn't going to mysteriously manifest itself when she's good and ready to get a full-time job, she's not that lucky.
When you say you're going to stop doing this or stop paying the bills, prepare to have your bluff called because she's testing you every step of the way and now that you know it, prepare to do the same with her.
You're not being angry, you're just respecting yourself enough to stop allowing her to disrespect you. Standing up to her and not being afraid of doing so will eventually get her to respect you, she can't respect you if she knows she can always get her way and always run over you, she is used to doing that, time to put up a speed bump in front of that doormat that you used to be, no more smooth rides until she starts respecting you.
I'd suggest proposing 75/25. Or perhaps two options:
1. 75/25 split of EVERYTHING
2. An agreed-upon 100/0 (or 0/100) split of specific bills. Set this option up so that it's MORE favorable to you, not LESS.
Yes, you can impute income in an eventual divorce action, but you have to hire an occupational evaluator (at your expense). For now, something very simple should suffice, and I'm guessing that even using her PART-time income, either of the above two option would be SUBSTANTIALLY better for you than what you're paying now, and would enable her to wear her BGPs.
If you do, you should be able to go into a nearby store and ask them to print up a copy of your bill for you.
Puppy
It is her phone only, in her name only. I have nothing to do with it. She will be paying that bill, but it will cut into what she gives me for anything else.
Did you read my post about how to hack into her account online using D's phone on the same plan? Is that illegal? I want to see who my D is calling and how often, right?
don't bother hacking into her account, for what purpose? shows you're needy, scared, controlling, need to know what she's up to, she wants out, let her have her freedom and you're not worried about her paying her cell phone bill eating up what money she would pay for the other bills - in the real world adults have to figure out how to pay bills otherwise they need to learn to cut certain expenses if they can't pay for them, it's simple math, you don't make up the rules, you have to follow them, what is so special about her that she doesn't have to follow those rules.
That's reality, let her start experiencing it without feeling bad for her (because I know you will once she starts getting angry about how hard you're making this for her, I don't remember her feeling too badly about how hard she's making life for you though)
Thanks for all the traffic guys, I don't think I really need help on the financial side (or maybe I do), but I really need help figuring out what Coach is telling me to do. It's all this touchy feely stuff that I don't get.
"She's interested in another man. You still haven't called the meeting the order. She's not attracted to you. She knows you know and you still enable it - pay for her cell phone, let her live at home, still chase her, ask her what the plan is and put up with her CB.
Who is you wife more attracted to? Where does she spend her emotional energy? Who has her positive feelings? Why isn't it you? Understand the dynamics of atttraction between a man and woman.
I had a real simple plan. Make my goals. Then map out what to do (think). If it worked I kept it if not tried something new. I didn't let my perception cloud what the process would be. Don't try to understand what your W is thinking but what she is feeling. It's very easy to change someones feelings. To do it you have to change the way they think about something.
Cheers"
I thought I had called the meeting to order.
Why isn't it me who has her positive feelings and how do I get back there?
What are the dynamics of attraction for a woman and how do I do this while detaching?
How is it easy to change someone's feelings? I haven't been able to do it.
How long have you been paying for this cell phone that she's been using to communicate with the OM? And you're only now telling her that you're going to stop paying for it?! Why did it take you so long?
Her thoughts "he's paying for my cell phone and I use this thing to contact OM, LOL! he has no clue LOL!"
Now how could she invest any emotional energy in a positive way with you after you've been enabling this for so long?
Attraction isn't a conscious decision, it's an emotional response, the OM has triggered some serious attraction with her, that's why she's treating you like crap and you're response? Treat her with kid gloves, pay her bills, take crap from her and boy oh boy, that's sexy!!!!
You don't change the way she thinks, if it was that easy I'd be in your brain right now running the show LOL!
You trigger attraction with your wife (or any other woman for that matter) by exhibiting behaviors which are attractive.
Being confident, commanding respect from others (you currently get zero respect from her), leading your life, taking crap from no one, being assertive, not being a doormat, seriously I could list a ton of things.
It seems whenever you open your mouth with your wife, you lose some ground. Start limiting your conversations and communication with her. Start taking care of yourself, start going out regularly, stop giving her information as to your whereabouts, start being a great dad to your kids and.... social interaction with other women. I'm not telling you to hump the next lady you come in contact with but I am telling you to go out and make some lady friends and go out for coffee, drinks, shopping for you, maybe some dinner, basically if she is so into her other man, we'll give her exactly what she wants freedom from you but.... here's the catch, you're getting freedom from her. Up until this point, this has all been HER decision, what happens when you start to move on and she really feels that you've dropped the rope, you're moving in the opposite direction, instead of pursuing her, you're moving away from her, I'm guessing and this is just my opinion, you trip off a few attraction triggers and get an emotional response from her because you're making the decision now to let her go and move on.
It's not logical when you think about it from your point of view but that doesn't mean it doesn't work.
