New here, not sure where to start

[ericmsant2]

ITay

I am sorry to say but…..Insecurity and FEAR – that is what I see in YOU.

He doesn't want me..I'm not what he wants anymore.

No he probably does not want the old you back but he sure has not met the new you yet! I’ll get to the NEW YOU in a sec.

As I said above…I see your fear speaking to your H. You are projecting your fear and unless you have a crystal ball and/or can REALLY get inside your H’s head. Then you really do not know what he really wants. He probably does not know what he wants, which is why YOUR pressure is WORKING AGAINST YOU. What I suspect he does NOT want is a PARTNER that is afraid, a PARTNER that is insecure.

FTR – By your own admission, I did read that he is trying to figure things out. Yet you do not accept that. You do not accept once again because of your fear and insecurity and boy I have tell you it shows in your post.

Take a peek…..

He wants a skinny athletic younger woman to have children with. I'm not any of those things.

This ^^^^ is YOUR INSECURITY speaking. Yep – it is so obvious. If you are not any of those things i.e. the skinny chick…then what and WHO are you. Put yourself in your h’s shoes. What should he LOVE about you? What positive quality do you have? Have you given this some thought? You need to stop focusing on the negative and start focusing on the positives.

Let me show you some more of your words and what I see…
The below is your negative and insecure comments/projections.

Dealing with my cheating husband who doesn't want me anymore

These insecurities are FEEDing YOUR FEAR. How do I know you are afraid…once again YOUR words.

Not knowing what the future will hold for me.

No job. Nowhere to go if this marriage fails. I'm just so screwed.

If I don't let him know I know about it, he may meet someone and get involved again like he did before. How would that help us to get back on track?

So rather than deal with the fear and insecurities issues that YOU have and for the record it is NOT easy. You come up with excuses or rationalize what YOU are feeling. Why do I say this…once again..your words…

I think he's here because it's convenient
I do his laundry, make his meals, keep a nice home, and all his exercise stuff is here. Besides that he has a place to stay when he is working in town.
He's not working on the R like he says he is. He has done nothing since he's been home but be here..

And when the rationalization doesn’t work…you try to “understand” or if you will apply logic to your fear. Let me show you…

Or maybe he just wants everyone to think he's trying
Or maybe he has a L coaching him
Maybe maybe maybe..it doesn't matter really does it. I'll never know unless he tells me.

Look ITay, you are spinning which is normal. It really is. Everyone here has been where you are at. We get it. You may think we do not understand – we do. What we are trying to get you to realize is that in order for you to have a shot at saving your M that YOU need to change. YOU need to do some work. YOU need to become the person your H would be crazy for leaving. Okay…Okay…sound pretty cliché I get it. IT is true though…so how do you do it.

In order for the real work to begin you need to stop spinning. You need to FOCUS on you. Get to some place of peace so that you can begin to pick apart yourself and make the changes YOU need to make. So how do you get to a place of peace….the very hard step…YOU LET GO.

Stop thinking, stop watching your H, stop ….just stop. Find something that you love to do. Write a list of you wonderful qualities, write down some dreams that you have. For example I have always wanted to travel to Africa. What are some of yours. Once you are in a better place mentally, then the work can begin. Okay what is the “work”?

The work my friend is the creation of the “NEW YOU” that I referred to above. It is when you sit down and be really honest with yourself and I mean really honest. You begin to figure out what makes YOU happy. You begin to figure WHO the hell you really are. You begin to realize what YOU want and what type of partner you really want. Here is the cool thing…while you do this….your H should be doing this on HIS own. He does not need your help. He must figure this shi* out on his own.

Finally, I will stepping off the boards for a while but I know that you are in good hands. I will check on you from time to time. Know this...I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO THIS Tay. I do. I BELIEVE IN YOU. I believe in everyone here who.....

takes that step…





takes that first big step…



that step…




is FINDING YOU.

God Bless,
Eric