New here, not sure where to start

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I am, but I respond to VERY few "friends" requests. I try to keep my secret crimefighter identity separate from my real life. I hate it when just anyone gets their fingerprint smudges on my utility belt.

[Cadet]

Ok Puppy I got the message.

[ltaylor]

gotcha puppy. I feel the same way.

[ltaylor]

ok..so let me ask you guys again.

Don't say anything to him about me knowing about the match.com thing? Cuz I can't help but think that is NOT going to help our sitch. If he meets someone and gets involved, how is that going to help us?

And bottom line--I really feel I'm worth more than this. Sometimes I think the MLC tag is just an excuse to screw around with other people. and that's not right. He said "for better or worse", too. Shouldn't you hold people accountable for their actions? Whether they are temporarily insane or not?

[warriorshadow]

Taylor,
Those are a lot of maybees. Don't get stung. I am not on fb. Probably should be. You are a lot like me that this stuff can
just get your brain going into terror land. What I have found so
far is that as time goes on you get hints of what is happening.
You are looking at every little piece of info and drawing conclusions of what is really happening. Sometimes you will be right and sometimes you will be wrong.
I look at your sitch and I compare to mine and don't know which
sitch is better. My wife is bouncing from working it out to going through the divorce in a few weeks at court. Does this force her to work harder on working through her own issues?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Your sitch is no divorce pending but the pain of living with the
behavior. If he has not filed, that is more time for him to work
out the issues and you can work on yourself. If a divorce is hanging over your head, it seems to be much worse to me.
If our spouses are in MLC, it takes time for them to work through
it. It makes you and me mad to have to understand it, put up with
it and let the monsters in our head take over and then be mad about that.
As hard as it seems, the OP is a fantasy that will crash. Any of
the OP's are fantasies that crash.
I think my wife is in the third year of this. 1st two years were
a mild beginning from what I can see at this point. Does it matter how long it took to get here or go forward? This has a
beginning and an end. I have overanalyzed this thing and still can't produce a date when it ends. But the signs, weirdness, behavior, shows me so much. I think you will see this in time too. If you work out, you can stop some of the pain you are feeling. I would bike at the club for 600 calories 3-4 days a
week. Lost weight. Looked better. Got compliments from women who
work out there. That was huge for me. Most people don't like to
sit on a bike for 60 min straight. I found it helped me because
the endorphins released will carry you through the day. Otherwise
I would have needed Anti-depressants. I don't know if that is
for you or not but it is one of my gains out of this. If you could find something like that to help you, you will find days pass, weeks pass, months pass and viola! You feel better,stronger
and can handle this more easily. I still see a huge possibility
that I will get divorced soon. I have an alien making decisions
for me. But, how I come out of this either way is more important.
I will need to be strong to work through reconciling or divorcing. So to me, it was not an option. I would find myself
a huge bag of mush at the end if I did not do it. I realized this
early on. LBS's are rational and logical. You get to choose that.

[ericmsant2]

ITay

I am sorry to say but…..Insecurity and FEAR – that is what I see in YOU.

He doesn't want me..I'm not what he wants anymore.

No he probably does not want the old you back but he sure has not met the new you yet! I’ll get to the NEW YOU in a sec.

As I said above…I see your fear speaking to your H. You are projecting your fear and unless you have a crystal ball and/or can REALLY get inside your H’s head. Then you really do not know what he really wants. He probably does not know what he wants, which is why YOUR pressure is WORKING AGAINST YOU. What I suspect he does NOT want is a PARTNER that is afraid, a PARTNER that is insecure.

FTR – By your own admission, I did read that he is trying to figure things out. Yet you do not accept that. You do not accept once again because of your fear and insecurity and boy I have tell you it shows in your post.

Take a peek…..

He wants a skinny athletic younger woman to have children with. I'm not any of those things.

This ^^^^ is YOUR INSECURITY speaking. Yep – it is so obvious. If you are not any of those things i.e. the skinny chick…then what and WHO are you. Put yourself in your h’s shoes. What should he LOVE about you? What positive quality do you have? Have you given this some thought? You need to stop focusing on the negative and start focusing on the positives.

Let me show you some more of your words and what I see…
The below is your negative and insecure comments/projections.

Dealing with my cheating husband who doesn't want me anymore

These insecurities are FEEDing YOUR FEAR. How do I know you are afraid…once again YOUR words.

Not knowing what the future will hold for me.

No job. Nowhere to go if this marriage fails. I'm just so screwed.

If I don't let him know I know about it, he may meet someone and get involved again like he did before. How would that help us to get back on track?

So rather than deal with the fear and insecurities issues that YOU have and for the record it is NOT easy. You come up with excuses or rationalize what YOU are feeling. Why do I say this…once again..your words…

I think he's here because it's convenient
I do his laundry, make his meals, keep a nice home, and all his exercise stuff is here. Besides that he has a place to stay when he is working in town.
He's not working on the R like he says he is. He has done nothing since he's been home but be here..

And when the rationalization doesn’t work…you try to “understand” or if you will apply logic to your fear. Let me show you…

Or maybe he just wants everyone to think he's trying
Or maybe he has a L coaching him
Maybe maybe maybe..it doesn't matter really does it. I'll never know unless he tells me.

Look ITay, you are spinning which is normal. It really is. Everyone here has been where you are at. We get it. You may think we do not understand – we do. What we are trying to get you to realize is that in order for you to have a shot at saving your M that YOU need to change. YOU need to do some work. YOU need to become the person your H would be crazy for leaving. Okay…Okay…sound pretty cliché I get it. IT is true though…so how do you do it.

In order for the real work to begin you need to stop spinning. You need to FOCUS on you. Get to some place of peace so that you can begin to pick apart yourself and make the changes YOU need to make. So how do you get to a place of peace….the very hard step…YOU LET GO.

Stop thinking, stop watching your H, stop ….just stop. Find something that you love to do. Write a list of you wonderful qualities, write down some dreams that you have. For example I have always wanted to travel to Africa. What are some of yours. Once you are in a better place mentally, then the work can begin. Okay what is the “work”?

The work my friend is the creation of the “NEW YOU” that I referred to above. It is when you sit down and be really honest with yourself and I mean really honest. You begin to figure out what makes YOU happy. You begin to figure WHO the hell you really are. You begin to realize what YOU want and what type of partner you really want. Here is the cool thing…while you do this….your H should be doing this on HIS own. He does not need your help. He must figure this shi* out on his own.

Finally, I will stepping off the boards for a while but I know that you are in good hands. I will check on you from time to time. Know this...I BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN DO THIS Tay. I do. I BELIEVE IN YOU. I believe in everyone here who.....

takes that step…





takes that first big step…



that step…




is FINDING YOU.

God Bless,
Eric

[warriorshadow]

Taylor,
Match.com thing.
My wife would look up marriage dresses. Etc. Think the
monsters got me after that? Yup. Did not mention it to her.
Why, because then she would know I was snooping and also cover
her tracks more. After a couple days you get a chance to think
and realize you may want to keep that snooping tool under your skirt. When I feel strong and can't stand it anymore then may look
and get a feel for where her head is at online. The risk with this
is you ride the deadly rollercoaster that could kill you. It will
become a part of your emotional behavior and you become as nuts as your spouse. Did I mention how unfair all this S**t is? The best chance of you making it through this is to detach from the
drama like everyone says. It takes practice. Not easy.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

You know what Taylor.

And bottom line--I really feel I'm worth more than this. Sometimes I think the MLC tag is just an excuse to screw around with other people. and that's not right. He said "for better or worse", too. Shouldn't you hold people accountable for their actions? Whether they are temporarily insane or not?

MLC is up to you to determine if your husband is in it or not.

Up to you to determine if you believe in it.

IF you determine that he is not in MLC...or that you don't believe it exists...then our advice isn't going to be for you.

I know it is not fair. And whoever told you life would be fair...well they lied to you. You should be mad at them.

Should people be held accountable for their actions? AB-sol-f-ing-lute-ly!

When they are capable of being accoutnable for their actions.

The MLCer who comes back without ANY remorse or regret, I wouldn't trust at all.

But expecting a person to be accountable when they do not give a crap? ... What are you hoping to achieve?

You want him to realize he is hurting you and for him to stop it. He knows he is hurting you...is he stopping it?

Telling him about the website proves you are snooping, and he will just be sneakier...I AM actually all for gathering of intelligence...saying do not snoop to newcomers is like screaming at the trees to stop growing. I just do not think most people are capable of confronting the MLCer without emotion...and emotion is what gets the LBSer into trouble.

Pick yourself up, dust off and cowgirl up.

[ltaylor]

First thing..what is LRT?

and why should I stick with someone who doesn't give a crap?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

LRT Last resort Technique...

and it is a misnomyer...

cause technique implies a tactic or a trick...and really it only can be used correctly if you are willing to go either way...truely willing able and capable of going either way.


Taylor the funny thing, is IF I have to convince you to be married...I won't. Too much effort. So good question.