It is very easy to extort information out of your WS, they are in such a panic and so damn nervous they don't know what's true and what isn't or what lies they told you...
They don't have it all in a spreadsheet you know...
Just take the initiative and intimidate them...
I got half my info about the affair in my home by BLUFFING a nervous WS who coudln't keep track of the lies...
It is very easy to extort information out of your WS, they are in such a panic and so damn nervous they don't know what's true and what isn't or what lies they told you...
VERY true. There is usually a strong sense of paranoia, and you can -- for lack of a better word -- exploit that.
When I talked to H about visitation tonight I gave him two choices: 1) He could take her overnight IF he gave me a copy of lease or other documentation about whose name the apt. is under; 2) He could take her for a evening visit with a signed paper saying he would not expose dd to OW and would have her back at 9pm.
He was trying for 1 so hard . . . every excuse under the sun why 1 hour wasn't enough to produce lease (convoluted story about him subletting from a male friend . . . uh huh). I even said I'd let him take dd overnight if he signed that the apt. was NOT held under his name or OW's name . . . he wouldn't do it. Hmmm . . . wonder why! So he picked option 2 and signed my paper.
He will not be taking her overnight again until he produces documentation of whose name is on the apt. he is living in . . . my L supports this decision and thinks its reasonable.
Meanwhile, my dd has been asking a lot of ?s about OW and my H "Mommy are you sad that daddy has a GF and you don't have a BF?" I think I blew it and answered them too truthfully . . . said I was sad because I love her daddy. Told her that her daddy and I both love her very much. She asked if I like OW and I answered honestly "no" and when asked "why" I said "because I don't think she's a very nice person." Probably should have just evaded - assumed H had been feeding her info . . .
Meanwhile, the heavens sent me some luck - ran into a guy at my H's apt. complex last night while I was seeing my friend. Randomly confided and he gave me intel. Incredibly, I ran into him in the grocery store again today and he gave me more intel . . . and offered his phone number in case I need it. Apparantely lives a floor down from my H!
Just a quick documentation of feelings: I think I'm detached from H to the point where it would take a lot of work for me to build love back up for him. At some points now I wonder if I'm still in the game for the game's sake - this is probably detachment at work, but I've lost sight of being close to/intimate with my H again as the goal. In fact, I would say that I even hold contempt for him at times - not sure I like him, let alone love him. But who knows, if the fog lifted and he returned to his old self, maybe . . . but I've lost that sense of devastation and desperate longing for him. Only devastation is for the dismantling of the family my daughter is used to . . .
More details . . . at hand-off tonight, H was wanting to come in and "talk." Prob because I've gone on offensive lately . . .
Made sure phone was dinging a lot (texts) as I opened door . . . looked up from one, said "interesting . . . how was your time at the pool this afternoon?" He said "fine" with no emotion showing . . . but of course he's gotta wonder how I know given that I could be no where near his pool (he was with her, according to intel).
Came in house - I said he wasn't welcome - he was digging for a piece of paper. Wanted me to sign something about when I would bring my dd back from visiting my mom (we are going tomorrow - be gone for a week). Asked him to get out, heard "my house too" response, said, "well, that's not how our sheriff neighbor said he'd see it if I needed to call him . .." H retreated to front porch.
Wanted me to sign - I said no - no good reason - I've been trustworthy so far and not endangering dd. Pass paper to my lawyer, I said. Happy to work out an acceptable custody agreement with help of L. Wasn't sure if refusing to sign was a good idea or not given that I made him sign something earlier - circumstances are different, tho.
Got a lot of "can't we be adults," "why do you need your lawyer," etc. Just didn't respond. Said I had nothing to talk about with him right now. Got the "why are you doing this - OW is just a friend" thing again and I just responded - everyone knows what's going on. So obvious - u r only one who seems to be buying your BS.
Asked him if OW's name was on lease. He said no. I bluffed, "well my L says it is." He just looked at me. Then I said good night, closed the door and went inside.
Wish I had changed the locks . . . guess I will be barricading doors again tonight.
YOu don't need to sign anything, and you didn't... HE needs to realise HE is the one doing damage here and I think you are conveying that well.
YOu are learning to intimidate him now... And you can see him retreating and running.
He is likley NOT used to that in you...
You can if you want for an exercise open up each of his statements above and script a response to it... You will likekly hear these again.
Having a good truth bullet for each of his comments is great preparation.
"Can't we be adults?" - Adults don't cheat on their families. And they would at least have the maturity to own it if they did. Bye bye. Close the door (no slam, just close it)
You might also want to document all the questions your DD's been asking you.
You can use this in court or you could hand a copy to your H and say something like :
"You've already been messing her head up - I will be offering this up in court to a social worker - Don't bother trying to clean up that mess - Child custody will do that for you. You must be a very proud father."
Glad to see that you are taking a bold stand in your sitch with your H. Do not sign anything. Having him sign something does not reflect what is currently happening, so don't worry about it.
Just keep doing what you are doing and taking the great advice that you are receiving here from the experienced members of this forum.
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
