Slow down Boudreaux, you still go a lot of schoolin to do so you don't repeat DB 101.
This is the #1 thing that people do wrong around here when they enter the reconciliation phase.They move too fast. As soon as their formerly-wayward spouse shows the slightest sign of wanting to work on things, they go all "melty-man" and start the pursuit again. Check out Futureunknown's latest thread for but one example.
To "stick," this phase has to be done verrrry slowly, and the formerly-betrayed spouse has to allow their formerly-wayward spouse to continue to pursue THEM. You need to convey an air of "I'm still not sure what I think," maintain all of your GAL things that you were doing when she was wayward, and let her earn her way back.
I wish I had all of the links, because I could easily point you to over 100 threads where people -- esp. men -- made this mistake.
What are the 5LLs? Sorry I gor the DR book, but W hat a fit one night and came and tore it up.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
This is the #1 thing that people do wrong around here when they enter the reconciliation phase. They move too fast. As soon as their formerly-wayward spouse shows the slightest sign of wanting to work on things, they go all "melty-man" and start the pursuit again. Check out Futureunknown's latest thread for but one example.
To "stick," this phase has to be done verrrry slowly, and the formerly-betrayed spouse has to allow their formerly-wayward spouse to continue to pursue THEM. You need to convey an air of "I'm still not sure what I think," maintain all of your GAL things that you were doing when she was wayward, and let her earn her way back.
This is the #1 thing that people do wrong around here when they enter the reconciliation phase. They move too fast. As soon as their formerly-wayward spouse shows the slightest sign of wanting to work on things, they go all "melty-man" and start the pursuit again. Check out Futureunknown's latest thread for but one example.
To "stick," this phase has to be done verrrry slowly, and the formerly-betrayed spouse has to allow their formerly-wayward spouse to continue to pursue THEM. You need to convey an air of "I'm still not sure what I think," maintain all of your GAL things that you were doing when she was wayward, and let her earn her way back.
CORRECT....
The best part is cats love to hunt, stalk and pounce. It's especially fun when they play with their prey. The time for the dog to chase the cat will come.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
My question is how slow to go? I thought the gesture to leave something when we left and when she got back from her trip would be a good thing to do.
We will be separated(physically) for 10 days. I do intend to send her pics from vacation of me and the kids showing we are having a good time. I thought this would be good catnip.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
My question is how slow to go? I thought the gesture to leave something when we left and when she got back from her trip would be a good thing to do.
We will be separated(physically) for 10 days. I do intend to send her pics from vacation of me and the kids showing we are having a good time. I thought this would be good catnip.
It's hard to say, CPC. It's like Potter Stewart once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know what it is when I see it."
If you were only off by a LITTLE, I doubt any of us would have said anything. You went into full-blown romantic PURSUIT mode; way too much.
Maybe a funny/sexy "Shoebox" card, with a simple "Be safe and have a good time!" ???
My question is how slow to go? I thought the gesture to leave something when we left and when she got back from her trip would be a good thing to do.
We will be separated(physically) for 10 days. I do intend to send her pics from vacation of me and the kids showing we are having a good time. I thought this would be good catnip.
It's hard to say, CPC. It's like Potter Stewart once said, "I can't define pornography, but I know what it is when I see it."
If you were only off by a LITTLE, I doubt any of us would have said anything. You went into full-blown romantic PURSUIT mode; way too much.
Maybe a funny/sexy "Shoebox" card, with a simple "Be safe and have a good time!" ???
Puppy
I see. I didn't pick out the "good" love coupons. I know they would be too much too soon. I guess I should of specified what it was. It was one for Whatever you want , whenever you want. I thought it would be appropriate, as it doesn't state anything sexual. It leaves the whatever up to W. It is her decision on what she wants. It could be something as simple as cleaning the house for the week.
Last edited by CPCajun; 07/14/1006:13 PM.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Successful reconcilation -- hell, successful RELATIONSHIPS -- are like comedy:
"Always leave them wanting more."
Puppy
I treat her like a comedian. I think getting her to laugh and smile at my activities, jokes, or what not does the same thing.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
What makes her feel loved? The Five Love Languages (5LLs). Most people love others the way they want to be loved. Think back to when you were dating, what did you two do?
What are you two doing to address the issues that got you here? Don't defend yourself, just listen to her.
A regular date night is great, something to look forward to. Once a quarter get away for at least a weekend - no kids.
No expectations. Give freely and without conditions. Your coupon has conditions.
When you talk really listen. Eye contact. Share your day, let her in all of your life. Be interesting.
Be busy - keep your hobbies, friends and interests.
Be aware of what works (warmth/affection) and what doesn't (shields up).
Be ready for setbacks and for her to test you.
What are both of your triggers? How you going to handle them going forward?
DB 201 is much harder. Stay grateful for your progress. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
