WAW EA told her to leave

[DangerDave]

6/21 Monday gym class where the “former” OM instructs – well she was up and out at the usual time and I didn’t see her until I got home from work that afternoon. I resolved myself to not asking anything about the gym – it’s a trust and control issue for me and well frankly I’m not dwelling on it any longer. If she brings it up great, if not it’s a dead issue and I will just have to watch for signs/signals that indicate a positive or negative impact on the R. ( update to today, same scenario, she threw subtle, ok blunt clues out there that her Monday routine would not be including his class, so I think my “trust” in her may be working here to a certain degree). Rest of evening was pleasant.

6/22 Well Tuesday was a bit of a setback for me but I do believe I saved it in the end. That afternoon she headed out to the grocery store and was gone much longer than normal imo – control again there from me. Dinner time was rolling around and I looked into her phone records online and noticed that she had been texting one of her friends (that I know) for about 45 minutes continually and could not have been shopping very hard. I have to stop and will looking at those damn phone records – it gets my mind racing in way too many directions – none of them good. Anyway when she finally got home ( I left for a drive to cool off) and I returned, I was a bit more than short with her and she did pick up on it right away. I had a meeting to go to so I left early myself and said I was going to do some clothes shopping before I got to the meeting (180 and for ME). She was a bit upset about that, as she is about the whole new wardrobe thing, but heck I gotta look good at all times right? Got home that night around bedtime, I did look her up and said that I apologize for being “irritable” when she got home – another 180 for me, and we went to bed.

6/23 Wednesday afternoon when I got home I was putzin around the kitchen when she asked me what I was irritated about the night before. I just said that I didn’t eat right all day and was hungry, the kids then asked about dinner and I hadn’t even thought about having to cook for them and was upset that I hadn’t thought about them – so kept it all on myself. She said she thought it was something she did - well I think she was really trying to set me up for an argument about control, her “extra” time out shopping and monitoring her phone – so I ducked all those issues and flew under her radar there.
Whew – another day to fight the good fight!

Later that afternoon she was starting to plan some future weekend events and the like and I realized that I needed to get the concert out on the table – didn’t want her scheduling something that would negate her going. So I told her I had bought myself an early b-day present and that I would like her to go with me if she wanted – showed her the tickets and asked if she wanted to go and got a “possibly” from her. Better than a no or I’ll let you know, so thinking I’ve got some more “evaluation” time of my 180’s and GAL’s before she commits – fine for now. She did want to know when I bought them and I told her, it was week or more before we were intimate, so she knows that wasn’t a trigger for the purchase – good thing there I think as that would throw me into pursuit mode in her mind imo.

6/24 Thursday got a shot out of the blue – she thought it would be a good idea to plan a family vacation, to my relatives about 15 hrs north of us. This would be the first trip for anyone but myself to go up and see them for I would say at least 5 years or so. Not sure if it’s a farewell tour she has in mind or what. My mothers in so-so health and it would also be the last time all 6 of use could easily manage a trip for that many days (5) all together for some time with our S22 heading to grad school down south this fall and our other college student D19 is spending her last summer at home this year. What’s the motive I’m not sure, it’s not the best family vacation we could take but it is a trip for all of us – she did ask though if only my brother (also up there) was the only one that knew what was going on between us, I said yes and ended the R talk at that period. We’ll have to see how that plays as I told her that I would need to get the plane tickets purchased fairly soon before the rates went up much more. I would like to do a different trip myself as finding things to do in Seattle with four kids for five days could be pretty stressful for both of us and could lend itself to a setback if not extremely careful.

6/25 Friday was play night for our D15 and I went alone as W was needing to roll out the next morning at 3am to ride her century a few hours away – no big deal really. I was seated next to our D15 friends mom – single and very attractive as well, turned on my “interpersonal skills” and got to know her pretty darn well in the next two hours – nice to know I still can turn on the charm! Was a good ego boost really and made me feel pretty good that no matter what happens with our R, I still got what it takes when the opportunity arises – self serving I know but what the heck! W was asleep in bed when I got home, stayed downstairs with the kids for a while before turning in.

6/26 Saturday – bike ride for W and me busting my butt doing a much needed bathroom remodel! Started around 8am and finished up around 7:30pm. Bath came out great, phase 1 anyway and will be all downhill from here, I love this kind of work, and it’s hard as heck but so rewarding when you’re done! She got home around 8pm or so, normal and got the whole rundown of the event. I made no big comments on my day, just worked on the bath – she went up and said that it looked very nice – didn’t expect anything more than that as the gingerbread hasn’t been started, just the rough stuff.

I was watching a movie when she got home which I stopped so I could hear about her day, once she un-winded, changed and came downstairs she sat on the couch and I started it back up, she was beat, so I just started rubbing her feet for her (again no resistance) through the end of the movie – she fell asleep a few times which I expected. Movie was over and we headed to bed.

6/27 Sunday morning in bed, I was rubbing her back a bit and really didn’t get any signal to go any farther so I left it at that. We had a pretty relaxing day, later that morning I had to install a new dishwasher that we bought earlier that week together – out of her “funds”. After that we hung out by the pool, and at 45 with her new “biker butt” she still looks hot as hell in a bikini – told her that too! We had some good conversation at the pool, she brought up the trip up north and waiting a bit to see everyone’s calendars before buying the airfare. I told her that the trip was her idea – so just let me know what was up. I threw in later maybe something more fun for the family so I think there’s more discussion on that coming up.

Later that evening we were talking about Dr appointments and schedules and she mentioned the kids upcoming and also that she had scheduled another appoint with an IC for herself again on the 8th of July. This will be the 3rd one she’s seen, one well before the bomb and the second after – I’m not sure what she’s trying to figure out. The first two have told her what she wanted to hear – that she should get out of the relationship, so this will be either the 3rd times a charm or 3 strikes and you’re out – have to wait and see – I know I dread the 9th!

Also of an interesting note, I had purchased a relationship book by John Grey (Men/Mars Women/Venus) “What you Feel you can Heal” at the start of this whole episode, I read it cover to cover and highlighted the whole thing, based on my personal insight into myself. It’s been in our family room for the last two months, it’s now on her nightstand and it looks like she’s about a 3rd of the way through it – as she knows I make the bed everyday, I’m sure she wants me to notice it’s there – she even moved another book that was on top of it the other day as well to make sure it was on top of her reading list for me to see – not sure if I should comment of just let it be?

The plot thickens every day!

Thanks and I look forward to everyone's comment's and advice!!

DD

[DangerDave]

Just a bump here - Greek, AJM, OTMT & Shocked - Thanks for all help here - as always your input is INVALUABLE!!

Thanks

DD

[AJM]

Danger, a few things stand out:
1) you are trying to think of things from her side. Is that a 180 for you? Or is that a control thing? I think it is important you know for yourself
2) Yep, stay away from the phone records. You will become a wobbly wheel of emotions. I can tell you that. Don't look for signs- they will find you.
3) I suspect she asked about who knew because if you had told everyone, it would have made it hard for her to come back. Really really hard. The fewer that know the better. She can have a comfort knowing that she doesn't have to face all of that.
4) the trip? The IC. You really cannot and should not know what is being done there. You love her right? If so, you should want the best for her even if that means you are not it. For whatever reason. The IC should be able to help her through her feelings and it is likely that those feelings will take time to figure out. They say that it takes at least 5 sessions before a person trusts the IC enough to really get started. She has plenty more. Speaking of signs - if she stops going you may want to worry a little

I think you're doing great. You really do seem to be well balanced, but have a tendency to analyze. Know what? You have every right to be suspicious etc considering what happened, but you must find a way past that quickly else you will be causing yourself issues. You seem to know that and you are working hard on getting that out of the way. At some point you'll have to talk about it though, right?

I think she wants to rebuild your trust but also has a lot of conflicting feelings. That will take a lot of time to work through. I had one friend who did similar. It took her two years. It takes a long time. Be patient.

Keep focusing on you. It works. It is the right thing to do for you. And for your family.

AJ

[DangerDave]

Update - Yesterday W asked me out for a date tonight, yes date just the two of us, just casual fun and no heavy R stuff- stay tuned for details!!

DD

[AJM]

Good to hear DD. Looking forward to hearing how it went.

AJ

[ShockedOne]

How did it go?

[DangerDave]

Hi AJM, Shocked, Greek and everyone else that has had a hand in helping me along my path!

OK well a brief update on date night last weekend and subsequent weekly events...

Date night went pretty well, went to one of our favorite places, had a great dinner, good conversation and NO R talk whatsoever. It was a bit difficult for me to keep the conversations going and stay clear of any triggers for either of us, but managed pretty damn well imo. That night in bed things got a little fired up, she put on her game face for about 60 seconds and then relaxed and we had a great end to an evening out and in - so to speak.

The next morning, she went to the gym and when she returned she told me that she was heading out to her girlfriends place to hang out with her around the pool. Well we have a pool and I knew I was going to be busy all day prepping for the 4th dinner party and also would be having to deal with any kid issues that came up that day as well. I thought to myself that her taking off for the day away from the family was a bit more than selfish so I went into DB mode, told her to have a good time and started in on all the stuff that needed to get done for the next day - was polite but not engaging. She ended up not leaving at all, never got a call back from her gal pal and stayed in all day cleaning the house. I still kept the DB pace up and when done went for a dip in the pool myself! She came out to the pool and started in on me a bit about "not talking to her" all day and that "I got what I wanted last night"! I was incredulous on that statement, but kept completely cool and asked her if she thought that way last night or today - she said today - I said well you were the one making other plans for the day, and I had to get everything ready - she ended it by saying we'd talk later.

Well later came around, bedtime again and she was being very quiet so I took the initiative! I told her and I quote " You're right I did get everything I wanted last night (pause for effect), I got to go on a date with my wife, I got to hold her hand, I got to hold her, I got to kiss her and I got to make love to her - so yes I did get all I wanted." Well that opened up the waterworks and R talk a bit - that she thinks I'm there and she's not R wise - I told her it's ok really and that I don't know where I am at as well, but I am having a great time being me and having fun with our family. She went on to say that she doesn't know if she can trust me (that has changed from I'll never trust you)to stay the way I am now (180's)and that she still has so much resentment towards me for the past (in so many words). So I just stayed with the "that's ok really" and that I had no idea how everything would end up for us either - kissed her head goodnight and managed no ILY's to her - tough task for the emotional levels of the last two days for sure. Sunday morning, the forth of July, started with "fireworks" for us again and was great day, party and her mood was fantastic.

All week I have been very supportive and positive (180) and she has been almost back to pre pre bomb demeanor. Still keeping my distance and not overly entusatic or pursuing, just being a good friend so to speak. Doing some cuddling at bed but not making any advances, just being there to some extent.

We have a family camping trip - another 180 - never been camping as a family and she has also scheduled a week off in August for the family vacation - which has been re-planned to go to Dland etc. rather than up north to my family (my idea totally here as it's boring as heck for the kids and would just cause a very tense situation between all of us - so why bother especially now!)

She has a IC appt this afternoon, #3, with another "new" therapist. She's been very nice and open all week and text's and calls as well.

Only time will tell!

Thanks again!!

DD

[DangerDave]

Well loading up for the weekend camping trip - going to be close quarters and I'm sure I'll be under the microscope all weekend! Shouldn't be a problem at all as my changes are here to stay 'cause I like em!

Look forward to the Monday comments here!

Everyone have a great weekend and thanks!!

DD

[AJM]

DD, I think you're doing great. I think the biggest risk, and one you cannot mitigate is that this is up to her. A great sign is that she is going to IC. As long as that continues that's good. Keep an eye out for that stopping but don't say anything if you can help it. That's something she does for her and will greatly benefit from.

Keep up the great work DD. Enjoy.

[DangerDave]

Greek,AJM,Shocked and OTMT - I need some ADVICE!!!

Been a few days from my last update and some things have come up that have me scratching my head more than a little, so I really look forward to all of your comments and thoughts!

The camping trip last weekend went great really - everyone got along well and was a good family outing to say the least. The W and I really had very little one on one time as the kids were flying all over the place - but we got along just fine with no hiccups at all. We did have one event with our youngest S13, who through a fit during the canoe trip, but I maintained my cool and didn't go over the top to try to get him to behave - a 180 that I am proud of - how affective as a parenting skill though is yet to be seen.

W did manage to tell me that her latest IC was enrolling her into a support group for emotional support - not so much for what is currently happening, but for what she had gone through as a child growing up - which was very very dysfunctional to say the least. I left it at that and did not seek out any other info on her session though - it's her affair with her IC. She also through out a crap load of future events that would have to include us being together for them to take place - I really didn't comment on them at all, just agreed with her in general. She also talked about the plans for this weekend, which includes my birthday and the Beach Boys concert - she's going with me to the concert, although she's never formally said " I will go", she has asked the details of when we are leaving etc. Also wanted to know what I wanted to do for my Bday - which should include the family on Saturday since it will be just us on Sunday.

So the big event of this week was a text message she sent me yesterday morning - we have been talking and getting along very well - almost like pre-bomb or even better. The message she sent is " Do you want to find us a couples counselor, cause this is getting too stressful, could be why my stomach is such a mess". I replied with a " Yes, I'd love to" and that's where it has been left.

So I don't know if this is part of the heavy lifting that Greek implied that needs to be started on her part or if it is a way for her to get me into a deeper R discussion that would reinforce her wishes to leave - sort of a way to get me to "See the Light" that she simply wants out and a counselor may be the one to help her get me to acknowledge that as fact and move on?

I know that I should probably simply ask about her motives for seeing a CC, but I am really not sure how to ask or form the question without setting myself up for the downside? I suppose if she implies negative reasoning behind it I simply won't set it up - on the other hand if she's trying to see if we can rebuild I certainly don't want to stand in the way of that at all.

I have a pro-marriage Imago therapist in the wings that I found on these boards and think he may be a great asset, but I do need to interview him a bit more before I pull the trigger on that - or I can pitch a 3 day retreat with Michele in Colorado (have not looked at those costs yet) but that could expose my DB work that is still for my eyes only.

So that's the update - please give me some insight if you have the time!

Thanks as always,

DD