What is it with these women? I care about you as a person. You are a good person. We always have fun together when we go out. I could be friends with you forever. I love sitting around and talking with you, but I HAVE to divorce you.
WHAT THE HELL AM I MISSING HERE?
I've been reading for several months and only registered the other day because someone who posted seemed to need a reply and wasn't getting one. By the time my registration was approved, someone had already answered.
But since I am now registered, I may have something to offer in regard to your question.
When people tell us to validate their feelings, it isn't just a question of appeasement and avoiding an argument. It's a question of satisfying an emotional need that they have and we don't understand. (Well, most of us begin to understand after the bomb is dropped and we do a little research.) Our failure to satisfy this emotional need is debilitating to them emotionally. Some books characterize our failure to validate their feelings as emotional abuse, not in the sense that we did something horrible; we tried to "fix" whatever issue we were talking about when all they wanted was emotional support.
If they fail to get this support for a prolonged period, it causes them great pain and anxiety. If that is coupled with any kind of neglect, or perceived neglect from us, they detach to spare themselves the pain and anxiety the R causes them. They can intellectually recognize that we are not bad people and did nothing intentionally to hurt them, but the wall they build to protect them from the hurt also insulates them from their "connection" and attraction to us. Once that's gone, we have to work on stopping the bleeding by validating and giving the emotional support they need, but that alone does not restore the connection/attraction. That comes from becoming attractive to them again, which is not easy, particularly if they are feeling sorry for us.
Read John Gray's book, "Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress," and talk to a DB coach, if you can swing it. They have been very helpful to me.
Of course, once there is a PA or EA, getting them attracted again becomes more complicated.
